


These Four Kings: Year Seven

by escribo



Series: These Four Kings [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, M/M, Marauders' Era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-02-16
Packaged: 2017-11-26 03:44:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/escribo/pseuds/escribo





	1. September 1977

"What books do you want, Remus?"

Remus didn't answer. He was standing still, listening at the door, which Sirius hadn't closed all the way when he'd come up to help Remus finish packing. They could just hear his mother as she wept in the kitchen, as she had been doing all morning. For days, actually, since they'd fought about whether or not he'd return to Hogwarts. She had pleaded with him, begged him to stay--to give up all this nonsense, she'd called it. Like his father had done, she'd said. Like his father would have wanted. Remus had known that was a lie, a retelling of his history because his mother had wanted to forget.

The door clicked shut and Remus blinked up at Sirius. "I'm sorry."

"The books."

"Take them all." 

Sirius dumped the stack of books he held into the trunk, though he held out a weighty tome they had used in Divination many years ago. Sirius and James had arrived less than an hour ago to take Remus to the station, finding the house in chaos with his mother in tears and his aunt railing at Remus for upsetting her. Both women were in the kitchen now with James as he made what Remus assumed would be a bad pot of tea and worse conversation, not that they would have accepted anything James offered them. Sirius had come upstairs with Remus to help him finish packing and had found that Remus had barely started, still pale and weak from the full moon only just three nights past. 

"You don't need the Augour, do you? Why did you keep this anyway?" Sirius asked as he held up the divinations primer.

"I'm not in the habit of tossing books away like you do."

"I don't if they're helpful. This is bloody useless."

"Let me see it." Remus moved nearer to Sirius and opened the book in his hands to the section on Grims, showing Sirius the words written in the margins--

  
_This is probably your animagus form, Black--harbinger of DOOOOOOOOOOM_  
 _You're only just jealous, Potter, because you're probably a bunny_.  
 _He'd have a lovely tail_ , it continued in Remus' handwriting, _Maybe Evans would keep him as a pet._  


"This is fourth year," Remus said. "You were already trying by then."

"So, we'll keep the divinations."

"Keep them all, except the potions." 

"I can't believe Slughorn failed you."

"He should have given me T's years ago. I always suspected Professor Dumbledore had his hand in that."

"You need at least an Outstanding to--"

"It's not like I was going to be accepted as an Auror, Sirius. A werewolf using a cane?" Remus gestured with the offending item, scowling at it.

"You won't have it forever. You're using it less already."

"The point is that they would have never taken me on even I wanted to apply."

"It's my fault, though. If I hadn't--"

Remus tossed his cane onto his bed and wobbled enough that Sirius dropped the book in his hand, reaching for Remus instead. Remus forced a weak smile as he let himself be caught, as he leaned against Sirius' side. "You aren't responsible for my inability to perform even the simplest of potions. I always hated it. At least now I can give up the pretense."

"I should have helped you more."

"Stop blaming yourself, Sirius. You helped me, more than you should have," Remus said. He steadied himself with Sirius' help and then eased his way over to his chair by the window so that he could looked out over the garden. James' buoyant voice floated up through the open kitchen window beneath his room and Remus could tell that he was putting his best forward, talking fast and likely attempting to regale them with Quidditch anecdotes. Behind him, Sirius was still sorting through Remus' books, dumping them into Remus' trunk. 

"Keep everything but the potions," he said again. "I won't be coming back here to live."

"I'm sure your mum will let you come back to visit if you want."

"I won't be coming back at all. After we leave Hogwarts, I'll have to register. I should have done already when I turned seventeen." 

"Your dad didn't want you to," Sirius said as he finished with the books and moved on to add what was left of Remus' clothes. "Besides, Dumbledore said not to."

"I don't think that'll stop the Ministry from punishing me for it." On the windowsill was a small tin dragon, the last belonging to his father's set of soldiers--Remus' favorite when he had been a boy, its red paint mostly chipped off. Remus touched it to make its wings flap and a small spark sputtered from its mouth. "Mum's terrified of them, of what they'll do."

"They'd better not try anything, the great gits," Sirius said as he tossed a drawer full of Remus' socks and pants into the trunk with more force than was probably necessary.

Remus didn't answer, not nearly as confident as Sirius regarding the ineptitude of the Ministry of Magic. Just because _The Daily Prophet_ had stopped reporting any of the Ministry's actions, Remus didn't believe it was because they had lost interest in werewolves. He got up anyway, though, and used his wand to close the empty drawer and start on his pajamas before Sirius got ahold of them. When he was finished, he realized that was the last of everything, except the photographs lying in a stack on his desk. He picked them up and shuffled through them before he handed them over to Sirius when he held his hand out for them. Remus hobbled over to him and put his chin on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius had stopped on a photo of the two of them from fifth year, taken just after the term had started and Sirius had hounded Lily until she'd let him borrow her new camera. It was a Muggle picture, Lily had never bothered to develop this roll with the potion to make the images move. Remus' smile was shy as he stared steadily into the camera while Sirius' grin was wide and easy, his eyes on Remus and his arms slung over Remus' shoulders.

"It would have been nice," Remus whispered as he watched Sirius slip the picture of the two of them into his pocket and put the rest into Remus' trunk, letting the lid fall shut.

"What would have been nice," Sirius said when Remus had gone quiet.

"I was just... I don't know. It would have been nice for my mum to have a normal son who did normal things, like go on dates and play football rather than--" Remus held out his hand and showed Sirius the bite mark on the back of his hand from the last moon.

Sirius turned Remus' hand over and rubbed his thumb over the faint scar he found, the one he had made when he had saved Remus' life, and then held out his own hand to show his matching scar before he closed his fingers over Remus'. "Normal is bloody boring."

"I don't know," Remus said, pressing their palms together as they held hands. "I think I might like it, just as a change."

The quirk of Sirius' lips as he grinned and the sudden light in his eyes made Remus' tummy flop in a pleasant way, and he was willing to put aside any thoughts of the Ministry or what would happen once he left, of the coming war and of his remote chance for opportunity, N.E.W.T's or no, once he'd left Professor Dumbledore's protection. He was going back to Hogwarts with Sirius and this was their last year. Nothing else seemed to matter suddenly.


	2. September 9 (Friday) 1977

It was a bright, still quite warm Friday afternoon, and as soon as classes had ended, Sirius fled to the grounds with James, Peter, and Remus in tow, seeking a bit of sunshine after a week of clouds and rain, essays and revisions. In the soft, mossy grass near the lake, Sirius laid on his back with his arms stretched wide, his eyes mostly closed so that he could watch Remus through his eyelashes. James was at his side, humming tunelessly as Peter read out from an article about the Holyhead's new beater. Things were back to how they always had been and all Sirius knew was that he never wanted them to change again. He decided right then and there that he'd have to be dragged kicking and screaming if they wanted him gone.

That thought didn't last long, chased away as he studied Remus where he sat reading his book. Sirius liked how still Remus could be when something particularly interested him. The sun made his hair auburn and from this angle, Sirius could see strands of silver. There was also a sparse sliver of stubble on the underside of Remus' jaw that he'd missed shaving that morning, and it was all Sirius could do to keep from touching it with his thumb--touching Remus.

"Do you have a fag?"

"You know I don't smoke," Remus said quietly, his eyes never leaving the page of his book.

"You don't smoke your own is what you mean."

Remus hummed out an answer, distracted by the book resting on his knees, the apple in his hand forgotten. Sirius lifted the cover so he could read the spine-- _Mnemony's Memorable Memory Charms_ \--and let it fall back when Remus swatted at his hand.

"Moony, we have the whole weekend to revise," Sirius complained. He rolled onto his stomach, his chin in the grass, and closed his hand over Remus' ankle, his pinkie finger finding a small hole in Remus' sock, working its way in to touch skin. "Entertain me."

"Maybe I could amaze you with my darning charm."

"I'm already amazed that you know one exists."

"It's practical, especially when someone with enormous feet--"

"You know what they say, Moony--"

"--feels compelled to borrow my belongings despite owning at least a dozen pair of brand new self-darning socks of his own."

"Your things are more comfortable. You've worn all the new out of them."

"I suppose you mean that as a compliment of sorts."

"I do," Sirius sniffed. He was rubbing his fingertip over Remus' bony ankle and watching him carefully for a reaction--any kind of reaction, but all it earned him was a raised eyebrow and nothing more before Remus turned back to his book. "Besides, full body bind curses are practical," Sirius went on, determined not to lose Remus' attention now that he had it. "Darning charms are--"

"Domestic?"

"I'm willing to be domesticated."

"You're barely housebroken. Why don't you bother James, and stop molesting my socks."

"I like your socks. Adore them, even. I'm crazy for your argyles, Moony," Sirius slurred out in a lazy drawl, laughing out loud when Remus grinned.

"We should do something tonight," Sirius said as he rolled onto his side and gave another tug to Remus' leg. 

"Like what?" Remus asked, finally giving in by closing the book over his finger to save his place.

"I dunno." He slid his hand further up Remus' trouser leg before Remus batted at him with his book, though the look he gave Sirius was more amused than annoyed. Even better was that Sirius knew he had Remus' full attention now. "Spread a little mayhem."

"It's early in the year for mayhem," Remus said. "Even for you."

"Never too early," James said, grinning over his shoulder at Sirius, and Sirius smiled back.

"Says our Head Boy," Remus said.

James opened his mouth to respond, the look in his eyes as mischievous as Sirius felt, but he was interrupted when Peter nudged his shoulder and whispered, "Don't forget, Lily will be here soon."

"Right," James said, sounding determined as he leaned over Sirius to grab the book from Remus' hands. "She'll be coming, too, Moony."

"So Peter said." Sirius knocked James' arm out from beneath him to send him sprawling.

They tussled for a few seconds before James was able to pin Sirius beneath him and looked back up at Remus. "Don't forget you've promised."

"Promised what?" Sirius pushed James off and raised up onto his elbows to look at Remus as well, who pointedly ignored him. Instead Remus was reaching again for his book, which James had let drop. James was quicker, though, and caught it up, tossing it to Peter. "Promised what?" Sirius asked again.

"Lily wanted me to set her friend up with someone," James said quickly as he tugged his shirt back into place and brushed grass from his hair.

"I'd have gone," Sirius said as he, too, sat up. He grabbed the book from Peter's hands and gave it back to Remus. He hated the uneasy hollowness that had begun to settle into his chest, especially since Remus was still refusing to meet Sirius' eyes.

"She said with anyone but you, actually," James said. "And I don't blame her with how you acted on the last date I set you up on."

"That wasn't a date. That was tea with a hag."

"She was completely barmy over our Padfoot," James whispered sotto voce to Remus and Peter, who both laughed.

"And I was polite about it."

"Oh yes, our Mr. Black has unfailing manners," Remus said, still laughing.

"Unfailingly rude," Peter squawked and Sirius scowled at him. "Exactly like that. I'm off, lads. I've detention with McGonagall tonight."

Sirius waited until Peter had gone before he rounded back on James. "The point is--"

"The point is," James mocked, a smirk twisting his lips as he took the book back from Remus. "The lady in question specifically asked for our Mr. Moony, and since he's assured me that no one else has requested his company to Hogsmeade this weekend, or any other weekend, I made the match."

Sirius gave James such a quizzical look that he almost missed the way Remus blushed and grabbed his book back from James' hands. He didn't miss how stiff Remus shoulders went as he began searching for his place, his hair falling across his forehead to hide his eyes. Sirius nearly regretted telling Remus that he liked his hair longer. It made him look older, handsomer in some way--dangerous. Sirius knew the girls had taken notice, too, looking at Remus in the same way they had always looked at Sirius or James. It had made Sirius feel curiously proud, as if he'd been ahead of the curve somehow because he'd always known what they hadn't. It hadn't occurred to him that one of them might act on it, or that Remus would accept.

"Which girl?" Sirius asked, hating the way the pit of his stomach burned at the thought of Remus dating. 

"Sabine," James said. "And they're coming over, so behave yourself, Padfoot, or no walkies after dinner."

"Fuck off, James. I can't believe you're agreeing to this, Remus. This--" Sirius sputtered, not quite able to give it a name.

"Stranger things have been known to happen than someone being interested in me for more than my Arithmancy homework."

Sirius snatched Remus' book from him, a sharp smile on his lips and sharper words on his tongue, but the girls were nearer, near enough to hear them. James jumped to his feet, hauling Remus up alongside him. As Remus teetered off-balance, Sirius was quick to stand as well, catching Remus' elbow until he was sure that Remus was steady on his feet. He looked at Remus as if he couldn't quite figure him out but Remus wouldn't look back. Instead, he began to self-consciously straighten his disheveled clothes, and Sirius rolled his eyes, scoffing, though he couldn't quite stop himself from running his hand over Remus' back and through his hair to dislodge the grass and leaves clinging to him.

"The lovely Lily," James said, and Sirius wanted to punch him in his stupid mouth, especially when Lily rolled her eyes and laughed, cleared charmed. "So, are we all on for tonight?"

"Tonight? You said it was just Hogsmeade tomorrow."

Lily, Remus, and James all looked at Sirius as if he'd grown a horn in the middle of his forehead, and Sirius felt an uncharacteristic blush work its way up his chest and over his neck. Sabine leaned into to whisper _you know I wanted Remus, right_ into Lily's ear, and Sirius frowned, growing more petulant by the minute. It wasn't right that his friends should abandon him tonight _and_ all day tomorrow for _that_.

"Can I talk to you for just a moment, Sirius?" James asked the moment Sirius spat out his _as if I would_ , James' hand closed tightly around Sirius' arm as he marched Sirius backwards, out of the girls' hearing.

"Look, I knew this would be hard for you but you can't go around acting like such an arse," James hissed at him, dropping his arm.

"Hard? Did you plan this on purpose to make me jealous?"

"Are you?"

"I'm not _jealous_ ," Sirius growled. Over James' shoulder, Sirius watched as Sabine stepped closer to Remus, twirling a strand of her pretty hair around her finger and looking up at Remus through her lashes as they talked. Remus was looking over her head and met Sirius' eyes before he looked away. "I'm not," Sirius said again, though more quietly.

"You do know that when you lie you get a tic in your left eyebrow."

"I do not," Sirius protested but he still pressed his fingers over his eye. 

"These are the rules, Padfoot--you'll either ask Remus out yourself--"

"I can't."

"Or you'll be happy for him when he meets someone else."

"I am happy for him--"

"Liar."

"I will be _when_ he meets the right person."

"You'll be happy for him now."

"They made you Head Boy, Potter, not my mother. I'm not going to be happy that one of my best friends is dating a brainless--"

"Behave." James pointed his finger at Sirius' nose. "You know Remus'll worry himself if he thinks you're upset with him, and he deserves to have some fun."

"He has fun with me."

"He deserves to have a snog."

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, his lip curling at the thought of Remus kissing someone else.

"I knew it. You are jealous."

"I'm not," Sirius said, barely protesting this time. There was no use; James knew him too well. 

"Right. You could just ask him out yourself, or whatever it is that boys do."

"Can't."

"Why?"

"You know why." 

"Then don't be an arse."

"Fine."

"Fine." James stared at Sirius for another moment, his arms crossed over his chest until Sirius looked at his own feet. "Now go over there and be nice."

"I really hate you right now," Sirius said to the back of James' head as he followed James back over to their friends.

"You'd hate me less if you weren't such a coward," James muttered back, and Sirius wanted to say that he couldn't possibly hate James any more if he tried right at that moment but then there was Sabine giggling at something Remus had said and Remus nervously looking to Sirius. Sirius really hated when James was right. He _was_ jealous, but more than that, he wanted Remus to be happy.

"I'm sorry I don't remember. I was rubbish at Potions," Remus way saying as Sirius came back to stand at his side. He watched with some fascination the way Remus visibly relaxed when Sirius smiled at him and shrugged to show that all was well--that it had just been James acting very _James_ like.

"Remus is better at defense." Sirius slung his arm over Remus' shoulder comfortably. "Dueling, actually."

Sabine's eyes went wide and she grinned brightly, leaning into Remus to put her hand on his arm. "I've heard how brave you are," she said breathlessly.

"Have you?" Remus asked, sounding puzzled to Sirius' ears--a little frightened, and Sirius took a step forward, took a step to stand in front of Remus. Sabine seemed not to notice and carried on in her breathless way, laughing merrily as she talked. 

"I was talking to Lindsey Dench--do you know her? She's a fifth year Ravenclaw, you must know her. Anyway, her best friend, Myra Bones, has a sister who left Hogwarts two years ago and works with a fellow in the Ministry who said his cousin heard that you'd gone to Romania to help study their vampire population this summer."

"Vampires?" Remus asked Sabine, who nodded eagerly, but his eyes were on Sirius. "I'd heard it was giants."

"Oh, right. Well, I heard you were awfully brave but that you didn't like to talk about it, and I really get that, you know? It must have been terrifying."

"Yeah, something like that, but you're right, I can't talk about it."

"Oh absolutely! It's like a secret."

"Something like that."

"Anyway, I'd love to study together. You could help me," Sabine said as she smoothed her hand down his arm. "My defensive charms are awful, and I can't manage a patronus at all. Maybe you could help me with my happy memory?"

Sirius snorted loudly and Sabine tossed her hair over her shoulder, turning her back more fully on Sirius as she continued to talk to Remus in a whirlwind of words that never seemed to stop. Sirius wouldn't budge though, not easily dissuaded as he broke into her stream of words in an effort to distract Remus.

"What are you doing?" Remus finally whispered to Sirius as Sabine began a complicated story about her trip to Estonia that summer.

"Nothing. What are you doing?"

"I don’t know. Being normal."

Sabine, suddenly aware that she didn't have Remus' attention, looked up at Sirius quite haughtily, clearly annoyed, and for a second, Sirius knew exactly how she felt and was sorry for her. It didn't last. 

"Would you walk with me back to the castle, Remus? I could show you my pictures."

"All right." 

Remus looked at Sirius, his eyes questioning, but Sirius just shrugged his shoulders again. He knew if he said anything else, then James would be angry with him again, though he didn't think this was fair, precisely, especially as they had all been happy--happier--before the girls had arrived. At least Sirius had been. 

Sirius bent down to pick up Remus' cane and handed it to him. "Go on then," he said, leaning in close so that Sabine couldn't hear his whisper. "Go be normal. I'll bring your book up to the room."

As Sabine and Remus walked away, Sirius watched them go, brushing James' hand off when he tried to pat Sirius' shoulder.

"They grow up so fast," James said, his eyes bright and squinched with laughter behind his glasses.

"I really do hate you."

"I think they make a cute couple," Lily said, though her voice sounded defensive to Sirius' ears. He had no doubt that this had been her idea.

"She isn't good enough for him."

"She likes him, and I think he likes her, too," Lily argued, and Sirius sneered contempuously. "Are you sure you're not just jealous that she chose Remus over you?"

"I've already had her, Evans." Which was true enough, Sirius reasoned. He had taken Sabine to Hogsmead once late in fifth year, though they hadn't even made it through the whole afternoon before they'd both decided they were incompatible (if that's what you could call a screaming match in the middle of Madame Puddifoot's).

"Nice."

"I didn't mean-- He deserves someone better--smarter--someone who hasn't chased after me."

"A sure indication of her lack in taste," James teased.

"Did you have someone specific in mind, Black, because I think you're limiting the field a bit if you want me to find someone you haven't had."

"I can't help it if I'm popular."

"That's one word for it."

"Enough," James cried but he was still laughing at them both. "Sirius' popularity has been vastly exaggerated."

"Isn't," Sirius mumbled, though it was the truth. He hadn't dated nearly as often as was rumored, much preferring the company of his friends--of Remus and James. "And why do you have to find _anyone_ , Evans? Things were all right the way they were."

"You would think that."

"Because it's true."

"Stop arguing," James said but there was still no heat in it. It was as though he found the whole thing to be a rather amusing joke, and Sirius didn't doubt that he did. James put his arm around Lily's shoulders and his hand back on Sirius, and this time Sirius didn't knock it off. 

"He looked happy enough with Sabine," James said after they'd been quiet for a moment. "I think we can all agree that's what's important here."

"You're turning more into your father with each day, you do realize that, don't you?" Sirius groused but he couldn't argue that James was right, as usual, and he didn't want to, not really. He found it strangely comforting, he always had. Besides, he really did want Remus to be happy, but even more, he wanted to be part of that happiness--he wanted to be the reason for it. That he couldn't burned. Sirius sighed, angry with himself. So James was right. He was always right, though Sirius would never admit it out loud. He didn't think he could bear another of James' fixes. "I'm going back up to the castle."

"Do you want us to come with you?"

"No. I just want to be alone."

 

***

 

Lily waited until Sirius was out of sight before she spoke. "Will he be all right?"

"Is that concern for Sirius Black that I hear in your voice?"

"No," Lily said, bristling at the tease she found in James. "Yes. Maybe, I don't know. I hate that I can't hate him properly. He always manages to surprise me."

"He has hidden depths."

"Extremely hidden."

"You can't find fault with his loyalty, though."

"I suppose not," Lily admitted. She leaned against James' side, her cheek against his shoulder, and smiled when he pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. Five years of despising him, one of being his friend, yet a week into _this_ and she found him irresistible. She found that really annoying. 

"Concern and a compliment in one day. Sirius won't believe it."

"You're not going to tell him, are you?"

"No, not yet. Especially if you keep my secret."

"So why Sabine?" She'd asked him before, when he first asked her to set Remus up but he'd said nothing, his eyes sparkling with mischief before he distracted her with kisses. She supposed one day she'd find a defense against that as it made winning arguments hard when her brain shut down the second he got within arm's length of her. She hated that she went all soppy about him as she considered a rational witch any other time. It had certainly never happened with anyone else before.

"Why not? You said she's always rather liked Remus."

"She's everyone. She's completely boy crazy. Even after Sirius argued with her, she still talked about him for ages. You don't even want to know what she said about you."

"Actually--"

"I just think that maybe Sirius is right this time."

"You see, it's his charm that does this to you. We'll have to wait a few minutes until the effect has completely worn off."

"You are infuriating," Lily rushed on, cutting James and his stupid smirk off--though she was momentarily distracted by what a lovely mouth he had. "She won't mean to be unkind but she'll get bored," she said, squeezing her eyes shut and forcing herself to carry on. She was determined not to kiss him before she had her answers. "She won't stay with him, she never does."

"That's all right. They don't need to be together for long."

"You're up to something," she said, daring to open one eye. She was surprised (and not) to find him so close. She pressed her hands against his chest in her last bid to stave him off, but he only smiled at her, the look in his eyes soft, and Lily melted against him. She supposed this would wear off sooner rather than later, though the moment their lips met, she did rather hope it would be later rather than sooner.


	3. September 1977

"How long do you think that's going to last before Moony snaps?"

James followed Sirius' line of vision to where Remus stood on the far side of the D.A.D.A.'s classroom with Sabine. She was hanging onto Remus' arm, onto his every word, laughing too loud at Remus' attempts to cast a Patronus charm. He wasn't having much luck, no better than Sirius, with barely a thin silver wisp poofing from the end of his wand before it dissolved into nothing. James could see what Sirius meant. With every twittering giggle from Sabine, Remus scowled a bit harder, an unusual show of frustration from a boy long accustomed to keeping his emotions suppressed from all but the best of his friends.

"How long did your last relationship last?" James asked, hoping to distract Sirius a bit. He'd been on edge ever since they'd begun working this chapter in Defense, convinced that his use of Dark Magic to save Remus' life had doomed them both.

"We're not talking about me. And that's not a relationship. Who even says that?"

"Anybody capable of maintaining one for more than three days."

"He's just seventeen."

"So am I." James twirled his wand between his fingers, grinning as he watched Lily attempt to cast her charm. "So are you for that matter."

"Only for another month."

"I don't think he's serious about her, if that helps."

"I know that."

"I wonder sometimes."

"She got him tossed out of the library last night."

"I hope it was worth it."

Sirius huffed but didn't say anything. James took advantage of the momentary break in Sirius' whinging to try the charm again. He hadn't managed more than a silvery wisp, either, but he was sure of his happy thought--she was smiling at him from across the room. This time when he cast the spell, the wisp took on a shape--not quite an animal, at least nothing anyone else could recognize but from the size he knew then what it would be, and he laughed out loud. "C'mon Pads, try again."

"It's no use."

"Nonsense. Give it your happiest thought."

"I don't have one."

"Bollocks. How about the when you left--"

"What does he even see in her? She sounds like a herd of doxies."

"Congress."

"What?"

"A congress of doxies, that's what they're called when there's more than-- Nevermind. He's just having a good time. He deserves it."

"I know that," Sirius bit out sharply, but James only shook his head. Sirius had been carrying on like this for the entire week Sabine and Remus had been together--angry when she took Sirius' usual seat in the Great Hall, sulking all night when Remus went with Sabine to the library. In fact, the only time James could remember Sirius smiling at all this week had been this morning at breakfast before Sabine showed up with apologies, attempting to cajol Remus into forgiving her for getting him tossed from the library James guessed.

James wasn't sure how much more of Sirius he could take before he moved on to another idea to get Sirius to admit to Remus how he felt. He decided, as he gathered his books together at the end of class, that perhaps this plan merely needed a tweak--a slight nudge toward the inevitable outcome.

"Listen, why don't you grab a date and come out with us tonight." James tried for casual as they left the classroom and walked just behind Remus and Sabine as they headed toward the Great Hall and lunch. He could tell that Sirius wasn't buying it.

"Out where?"

"Behind the greenhouses. Lily is bringing some wine and Wormy procured a couple of bottles of firewhiskey. Remus is coming--"

"With her, I suppose."

"And Peter and his girl. C'mon. There are at least three girls following us right now who would hex each other for the chance to go out with you."

Sirius looked over his shoulder and grimaced to find that James hadn't actually been joking. "I think not."

"Then find some boy. I'd start with the Ravenclaws."

"How very droll, James. How terribly clever of you, start with the Ravenclaws."

"I'm being helpful."

"I bet you are."

"I don't know how your sort gets on, is all."

"I don't have a _sort_ , tosser. I can't even believe we're having this conversation."

James stopped Sirius just outside the Great Hall with a hand to his shoulder, leaning in so that he wouldn't be overheard in the stream of fellow students who moved around them on their way to lunch. "Just come with someone. At this point I don't even care if it's--"

"Don't even suggest it."

"I told you before, you either have to be happy for Moony or ask him out yourself, but we're all tired of the wounded puppy act."

"Did he say--" Sirius blurted out, his eyes going wide as he grabbed the front of James' robes.

"He didn't say anything. Scared you to think that he might, though, didn't it." James raised his eyebrows at Sirius' dirty look but said nothing more.

"Fine."

"Fine."  

 

***

 

That night, the wine disappeared first and fast, Lily having transformed four hot house roses James stole for her into passable if tremendously delicate goblets that dissolved into a mass of soggy petals before they could be filled a third time. The boys had passed around one of the two bottles of firewhiskey, until they had all become slightly tipsy. While a drunk James grew increasingly affectionate and Peter became of a philosopher of sorts, pontificating in an easy way about nothing in particular, it was Remus who held Sirius' attention. Drunk, Remus could finally relax, the whole of his being going slack and at his ease. He smiled more, his eyes bright in the crackling firelight, and he developed a kind of biting, relentless cheerfulness.

A trip back to the greenhouse for more roses had left Remus slightly breathless, his cheeks pink, as he leaned against Sabine, his arm tossed over her shoulder. He dropped the roses into Lily's lap and then stepped over James' long legs with an agility and elegance that Sirius could see Sabine admired as well. Sirius couldn't help but notice how his well worn jeans pulled tightly as he bent over Peter to retrieve the wine bottle, upending it when he realized it was empty. Sabine was still holding onto his elbow as they both swayed precariously close to the fire and Sirius was quick to jump to his feet.

"Careful, Moony," Sirius said as he reached for Remus' hand. He couldn't help his grin either when Remus smiled brightly at him in return. Remus was wearing a red Gryffindor jumper he'd borrowed from James for the night and Sirius decided then that he'd buy Remus one of his own for Christmas. His smile softened at the thought, though it was quickly erased when Sabine pushed herself between them and took Remus' hand in her own.

"I can help him," she said, tossing her hair over her shoulder. "He prefers me, anyway, don't you, Remy?"

"Remus."

"What?" Sabine and Remus both asked, Sabine with a glare.

"His name. He hates being called Remy."

"Not by me."

"No more arguing," James called, interrupting Sirius before he could bite out a reply. "You two have to get along. It's the rule."

"Since when?" Sirius said, returning Sabine's glare with a haughty stare of his own as he looked down at her.

"Since now. Or you'll both have to drink more wine until you're fast friends."

"That's unlikely," Remus murmured so that only Sirius heard.

"What did you say, Remy dear?"

"I said it's unlikely to happen," Remus said more clearly though he continued to smile benignly, never breaking eye contact with Sirius. "Since, we're out of wine."

"We didn't have enough to begin with," Sirius answered.

"Not nearly," Remus said, a laugh hiding in his words.

Sirius had nearly forgotten they had an audience at all until Sabine stood on her toes and slid her hand over Remus' cheek to turn his face toward her. Before she could kiss him, Sirius spotted a flash beneath the collar of her shirt. 

"That's a pretty little necklace," he said. Sirius reached into the V of her tight blouse to lift out the silver charm that hung on a chain around her neck and held it balanced on his fingertip. "Have you seen this, Remus?"

"Almost as pretty as yours." Remus still sounded quite amused as he reached up to push his thumb over the lump of mangled tin hidden beneath Sirius' shirt. Sirius could feel his cheek warm up at Remus' touch but before he could think of anything to say, Sabine was batting Sirius' hand away and pulling Remus down to sit near the fire. Sirius quickly reached to help Remus down in a practiced move before sitting next to him. He didn't dare look at James though he knew without looking up that James' expression would be smug, the insufferable git.

The girl Sirius brought, a pretty little sixth year Hufflepuff, moved closer to him, tugging at her short skirt. She didn't break in her conversation with Peter's date, another Hufflepuff with chestnut hair and a large chest. Sirius couldn't remember her name but knew his girl was called Jessnina. They were laughing across the fire with Lily, though Sirius missed the joke as he continued to glare at Remus and Sabine.

"I'm up for it if James is." 

Sirius heard Peter say, and Sirius turned as James laughed loudly. "Up for what?"

"A game."

"What kind of game?"

"A Hufflepuff game," Jessmina said, laughing harder as she crawled to her knees and had to tug at her skirt again before she reached into the front of her jumper. "I have something I stole from my sister."

"It's not stealing if you--"

"Let her finish, Sirius. You are in a foul mood tonight. Pass him the bottle again, Pete."

"Too right, James." Peter used his wand to pass the bottle along, making it bump against Sirius' shoulder until he grabbed it. "I wouldn't mind seeing what Jess has beneath her sweater."

Peter's laugh became a bray as soon as James joined in, but this time Sirius was stopped from making a comment when Remus shook his head and touched his hand to Sirius' leg, his _let it go_ enough to distract Sirius completely.

"What is that?" Peter asked. He appeared to be slightly disappointed when Jessmina pulled what looked like a long thin crystal bottle hung from a gold chain from beneath her top.

"Fascinium," she said.

"Really?"

Jessmina hummed and smiled at him beguilingly. "My sister works for a company that brews all sorts of love potions and makes these little gift things."

"That's mildly disturbing," Remus whispered as he leaned across Sirius to look at the bottle more closely.

"It's perfectly harmless. It's not like it's Amortentia. Besides there's not enough to do more than make someone fancy you a bit. We play a game with it, and with this," she said, producing a sneakoscope from her pocket.

"What kind of game?"

Jessmina looked around toward Peter's date--Mary, Sirius remembered--and they both laughed. "You just take a sniff and then say what you smell."

"That sound a lot like Amortentia," Remus said.

"Since when do you know so much about love potions, Moony?" James called to him but Remus just laughed, dropping the bottle and leaning back onto his elbows.

"They don't make Amortentia. It'd be illegal. This is a lot less powerful."

"What does that do?" Peter asked. He wrinkled his nose when Mary took the bottle from Jessmina and held it beneath his nose.

"I don't think--"

"Here," James said, sitting up and reaching for the sneakoscope. "I'll go first."

When Mary handed him the bottle, James uncorked it and breathed in deeply. He laughed as he put the cork back in and passed it back. "Fresh mowed grass."

"I knew it," Lily said, "James is in love with the Quidditch pitch. The rest is probably broomsticks and sweaty socks."

"Absolutely but beneath it all, orange blossoms." James' smile turned blissful as he reclined back on his hands and gazed over at a surprised Lily. They said nothing more between them, but Sirius could tell by the look on both their faces that James had said exactly the right thing.

"I'll do it!" Sabine said and flashed Remus a grin that he missed completely. Sirius almost felt sorry for her.

Jessmina took the bottle back from Mary and the sneakoscope from James before she crawled over to kneel in front of Sabine. As she uncorked the bottle, Sabine leaned in eagerly and took a small, short breath.

"Sour sherbets!" She said, smiling again as she looked to Remus and Sirius could see that Remus blushed. The sour sherbets had been James', sent in a package from his mother, and a candy that none of the boys liked. Sirius supposed that answered the question about where they went.

"Laundry, like a clean shirt, starched," Sabine continued quickly before she lowered her head again and sniffed. She furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head slightly before she let her glance flicker to Remus again, confused. "Like medicine and I don't know. Hospitals. That can't be right. Who would like that?"

Sabine caught herself then, her eyes sliding to Remus' cane before her whole face brightened. Suddenly, Sirius didn't feel sorry for her at all but quite hated her. "I went to the infirmary after you fell, Remus, last week. Sirius said you fell but Madame Pomfrey wouldn't let me in to visit you."

The transformation at the last full moon had been easier on Remus since he was reunited with his pack but it still had required a couple of days stay in the infirmary, mostly because of Madame Pomfrey's overprotectiveness. Sirius hadn't blamed her though he'd known how irritated Remus had been about it. At that moment, Remus was frozen, staring open mouthed at Sirius. 

"It was my fault," Sirius rushed to say before anyone else could fill the weird silence that was only disturbed by the crackling of the fire. "I tripped him. Not on purpose," he added, when Sabine turned on him, her mouth open in shock.

"It doesn't matter," Sabine said, clearly believing that her moment was just as momentous as she thought Lily's had been from the way she smiled at her from across the fire. She took Remus' wrist and balanced the sneakoscope in his hand. "You go next." 

Sabine was nearly breathless as she waited for Jessmina to open the vial and Sirius decided he most definitely hated her. He flashed his eyes at Lily as if he meant to tell her right then before he caught himself, biting back the words, shocked into some kind of silence when he saw James looking positively triumphant. He was so distracted, he almost missed when Remus said, _damp wool._

"Sheep," Peter immediately crowed, looking ridiculously proud of himself when the others laughed along, James the loudest.

"More laundry," Lily said. "Proof of my skill at matchmaking."

"Wet clothes is certainly a theme, there," James said. "But I have to say it's quite surprising from a bloke who color codes his sock drawer."

"I don't," Remus protested but he was laughing, too. "Neatness is not a failing, Potter. And it's not just clothes, not just-- It smells like a sweater or a scarf. It smells as if someone's only just come in from the rain."

"Go on," Sabine says, still pressing herself against him, her hands clutching at his shoulder. 

Remus looked down at her before he leaned forward to sniff again at the vial Jessmina held out to him.  "Leather," he said quietly. "Like an old satchel or—" 

Remus stopped and shrugged his shoulder, shook his head slightly, enough to make his fringe fall into his eyes, unwilling to elaborate. Sirius thought for a moment that Remus had looked at him when he said it, Sirius filling in the round spaces of the "o" and the hard edge of the "r" of Remus' _or_ , knowing that it was ridiculous to keep living in the twists and turns of Remus' words but it was like he couldn't help himself. Instead he thought about his leather boots, the leather book bag he'd carried since third year, the leather jacket he acquired when he got the motorcycle and that he wore on the weekends. Was wearing then.  Sirius looked a bit triumphant at Sabine's confusion as she tried to apply the smell of leather to herself before she gave up, and shook her head. 

"What else," she demanded, her fingers closing on Remus' wrist, the pale pink tips of her fingernails digging into his skin slightly. 

"Nothing else," Remus said, not looking at anyone now. "There's nothing else."  
   
The sneakoscope began a slow circuit, picking up speed as everyone looked at it, its whine lost to James' crowing laugh. "Out with it, Lupin. I've most shamelessly laid bare my very soul. You're in good company at least."  
   
Sirius reached for the sneakoscope and lifted it from Remus' hand, weighing it in his own. He liked knowing that he had Remus' full attention and likely his gratitude as well for giving him an out to say whatever he wanted with impunity. 

"What else, Remus," Sirius said, his voice low and soft, as if he most desperately wanted to hear the answer (he did) and confident in the knowledge that Remus would neither deny him an answer or the truth now that he could give it freely (he was). "I can guess if you'd like."

"No. I think not. Merlin knows what you'd say," Remus said as he straightened up, his line of sight going past the fire. "Cigarettes. Cheap ones."  
   
"You don't smoke," Sabine said but her lips clearly tripped over the _you_ , changing it from _I_ only at the last second.   
   
"Rarely," Remus said. 

"And only when he's trying to look tough," Sirius added, grinning to think of the many they've shared. 

"Moony doesn't have to smoke to look tough." Sabine reached up as if to trace that pink tipped nail over the worst of the fading scars across Remus' face. Sirius caught her hand by the wrist and drew it down. 

"Don't call him that," he bit out, taking a bit of perverse pleasure in the way she gasped.   
"Enough," James called out imperiously. "It's Black's go, though I'll remind him that ladies _are_ present." 

Jessmina moved over and pulled the stopper to offer the vial to Sirius as he let go of Sabine's hand, taking Jessmina's instead to draw it forward. He breathed in deeply of the potion and gave his answers without hesitation. "The library. Transfiguration section." 

"Always knew you had a thing for McGonagall," James drawled. 

"Parchment, you arse. Like the pages of an old book."

"Title?" Remus asked and Sirius only raised an eyebrow at him. He'd be able to say it if he wanted--the book that gave him the final answers that allowed him to connect with the wolf each full as Padfoot. James cut him off before he had the chance.

"Madame Pince, then. Probably since the last detention you had to serve with her. Carry on." 

"Midnight." 

"Midnight's not a smell," Sabine said shortly.  

"The Forbidden Forest after the moon's crested, the loamy smell of earth and the wind blowing through the trees and over the lake. It smells like midnight."  

"Fine," Lily conceded, sitting up and finding a smirk of her own. "Midnight. What else?"  

Sirius leaned forward, his eyes closing as he breathed in deep. Jessmina leaned in with him as if she could smell it, too. "Strawberry jam."

Sirius opened his eyes in time to watch James' eyes dart to Remus, whose mornings weren't complete without toast and jam, and followed. He found that Remus was staring back, his eyes narrowed and hungry, but then it was gone as quick as it'd come. Remus was back to looking like the Remus most people saw though Sirius couldn't forget what he had seen. He was lost to it, missing completely what anyone else said or if there was actually a winner to their game. He was only brought back by the sound of James' laughter. When he finally looked away from Remus, the girl Peter had brought was standing up and enthusiastically explaining a new game. 

"Do all Hufflepuff games involve kissing in the end?" James asked, still laughing.

"Most of them."

"I knew I asked to be placed in the wrong house," Peter said.

"This is a Muggle game," Lily said. "We call it spin the bottle."

"What do you know about kissing games?"

"More than you think, Potter."

"I'll go first!" Peter was practically bouncing on his knees as he grabbed for the still half full bottle of firewhiskey. He spun it carefully, going pale when the slender neck lands toward James. "That doesn't count!"

It was Sirius' turn to laugh at Peter's panic stricken face. "It absolutely counts Wormtail."

Peter went red in the face at Sirius' use of his nickname in front of the girls, which made James laugh even harder. Peter spluttered for a few minutes, and for a second Sirius thought that Peter might actually tell him off but when his words finally came, they weren't what Sirius had expected at all (though still not a surprise). "Not boys with boys or girls with girls!"

"Especially girls with girls," James said, winking at Peter. "Here give me the bottle. Let's make this a bit easier."

James cast a spell on the bottle before charming it to float above the fire. "There. You start, Jessmina."

Jessmina called _spin_ and they all watched as the bottle wobbled above the fire before stopping to point at James. Jessmina's eyes widened as she looked first at her friend and then at Lily before she rose to feet and crossed to James. She bent over him, her short skirt showing a terrifying amount of thigh as she kissed him. When it was over, Lily had her arms crossed over her chest and Sirius had his humor back, thinking that it served her right for interfering.

The game moved quickly then: Peter's spin landing on the girl he'd brought, both giggling into their kiss so much that Sirius couldn't help but wonder how they got on alone. Then Peter's date landed Sirius, Sirius drawing back when he felt the quick dart of her tongue. He still didn't suspect anything when James' spin landed on Lily. It wasn't until Lily landed on James, and James winked at her did Sirius realize how else James charmed the bottle. 

Lily noticed, too. "That bottle seems to have had a little help."

"Whatever do you mean, Evans?"

"I can't imagine. Your go Sabine."

Sabine laughed and clapped her hands, yelling _spin_ and not waiting for the bottle to stop before she turned to kiss Remus. She grabbed his shoulders, catching him off guard. Her first kiss landed on his chin before she tried again, trying to turn it into something deeper. Remus was the first to pull away, embarrassed by the way everyone except Sirius was laughing and teasing _the happy couple_. The sound of his _spin_ was almost lost to the sound of it, but it died away quickly when the bottle completed three shaky orbits to land on Sirius.

Sirius gaped at the bottle, shocked that it was pointing at him. For a moment, he couldn't hear anything beyond the buzz in his own ears or see anything more than the look that Remus was giving him. It was only the absence of James' laugh that made Sirius look up. There was guilt written all over James' face, a sight that was so singular that Sirius wished he had a Muggle camera so that he could capture the moment.

Peter was on his back, his hands over his stomach as he laughed. When Sirius finally looked away from James, he could see tears streaming down Peter's face. He could barely get his words out, hissing them high pitched between his giggles. "Own... Rules... Caught..."

The only other person not laughing was Sabine. She grabbed at Remus' arm the moment Remus began to move toward Sirius. Sirius beat him to it, though, thinking first to keep Remus from having to put pressure on his knee, and second that he didn't care if he did have an audience for this. He'd take his second kiss no matter who was watching, and his third as well if he was right about James' charm.

Sirius knelt over Remus, straddling his legs. He tilted Remus' chin with his thumb and pushed his hand through Remus' hair, going a bit weak when Remus smiled at him, the corners of his lips tipping up slowly. Sabine gave a huff of protest and someone behind them whistled in the seconds before Sirius kissed Remus with an open mouth, turning his head so that no one else could see when he deepened it or when Remus responded in kind, their tongues barely touching before Remus pulled away. Sirius brushed his nose against Remus', leaning in--wanting more--before pulling back just as quickly. 

"That wasn't fair," Peter called, having gained some control though he was still sniggering to himself. "We couldn't tell if you actually kissed."

"He kissed me, Peter," Remus said very quietly. His eyes were still closed.

"No more games!" Lily called, and when Sirius looked over his shoulder from where he still straddled Remus' legs, she was taking the bottle from the fire. She took a drink and passed it James. When it reached Sirius, he stood and took a long drink before offering it to Remus. He took the bottle, their fingertips touching, before Remus sipped at the remaining whiskey. Sabine was watching Remus, too, her arms folded over her chest. 

After that, the party broke up a bit, Peter disappearing in the direction of greenhouses with his date after James and Lily wandered off toward the lake. Jessmina was sitting with her arm crossed, sighing every so often in Sirius' direction but he ignored her in favor of trying to think of something to say to Remus. Remus was still sipping from the bottle of firewhiskey, determined, it seemed, to finish it off alone as Sabine watched. 

"I'm cold," Sabine finally complained, frowning when Sirius pointed his wand at the fire without a word and made it blaze hotter. "I want to go back to the castle."

"What's stopping you?" 

Sabine glared at him but before either of them could say anything, Remus put a hand on each of their shoulders. "We'll go back to the castle."

"Fine," they answered together.

"Sabine and I will go to the castle," Remus said, slurring his words slightly. "And you, my dear Padfoot, can stay here with-- Where did Jessmina go?"

Sirius and Sabine looked to the place where Jessmina had been sitting just a moment ago and found it empty.

"You're a terrible date. You'll have to find her and apologize. It's not polite to leave a date half through."

"I don't care about being polite."

"Which is what makes you so charming."

Sirius helped Remus get to his feet, handing him his cane when he swayed slightly. The empty bottle fell from his fingers and Sirius picked it up. "You're drunk, Moony."

"Mr. Moony's do not get drunk." Remus hooked the proffered cane over his arm as he spread them out wide. Sabine wrapped her arms around his waist at the same time Sirius reached out to steady him. "They may tipple from time to time. They may imbibe only enough to be sociable you see, but they most certainly do not get drunk."

This time when Remus took a staggering step, he tripping a bit over a tree root. Sirius took the cane from Remus' arm and put it into his hand. "Maybe we should just get you back up to the room."

"Nonsense! The night's still young. It is, isn't it? That is just one moon I see, right?" Remus tipped his head back to look up at the sky, dragging Sabine back for a couple of stumbling steps. "Merlin! Could you imagine if there were two?"

"I really think you should go back to the tower, Remus," Sirius said as he tried to ignore the way Sabine was pressing her face into Remus' neck. He tried to pull her away so that he could steer Remus back up to the castle but she wouldn't budge.

"No thinking, Pads. You always say don't think."

"I tell you not to _overthink_ things."

"Same thing."

"Very different things."

"I'm going over there," Remus said, ignoring Sirius completely and pointing to the greenhouses. Sabine laughed again and Sirius found the sound more grating than he had all night. He had the strong urge to hex her, especially when she began walking backwards toward the greenhouses, tugging Remus along with her. "We're going over there," Remus said. "And I don't intend to think at all for at least the next quarter hour."

"Remus--" Sirius pleaded but Remus only drew himself up tall, and as steady as he could manage.

"Sit!" Remus commanded, pointing his finger at Sirius, and Sirius sank back onto his knees, his eyes narrowing. "I'm going to finish my date, because I'm unfailingly polite. Professor McGonagall once wrote that in a letter to my father, did you know that?"

Sirius shook his head. 

"I'm going to go over there, Sirius, and I'm not going to think. Or overthink. And then I'm going to owl my mum--in the morning probably because I'm not feeling well right now."

"Then let me take you back to the room."

"No," Remus said. He motioned for Sabine to stay where she was before he stumbled back to where Sirius was kneeling, and bent so that only Sirius could hear him. Sirius was surprised when his speech came out clear, with none of the drunken slurs left. "In the morning I'm going to tell my mum all about my date because that's what she wants, and I'm exceedingly polite and always do what I’m told. Except I'm going to leave out the part where I kissed you--"

"I kissed you."

Remus turned quicker than Sirius thought him capable at that moment and kissed Sirius hard and fast, stunning him into silence, before drawing back. "That's the part I'm going to leave out. Now, where was I?"

"You were telling me to sit," Sirius whispered. 

"Yesprecisely," Remus said, slurring the words together until they were almost unrecognizable. He smiled lopsidedly at Sirius, and reached out to scratch behind Sirius' ear. "Good boy."

"Woof."

Sirius watched as Sabine and Remus walk in the direction of the greenhouses, though he turned away before they reached the path of the gardens. He sat for a long time, watching the stars and thinking about the evening. He knew that James would want to offer up an apology, and that Remus would want to pretend none of it happened. He decided he didn't want that from either of them. What he wanted was-- Sirius stood and extinguished the fire with his wand. He wanted Remus to be happy, just as he had told James before. As he kicked dirt over the charred ground, he made another decision--if Sabine made Remus happy, then Sirius would be happy for them. With his hands buried deep into his pockets, Sirius trudged his way back up to the castle alone.


	4. Early October 1977

Their first Hogsmeade weekend was cold and rainy and, by mid-afternoon Lily was happy to tumble into the Three Broomsticks with James to warm up, dry off, and get something to drink. She wasn't even surprised to see Peter, Sirius, and Remus at their usual table in the back, seemingly waiting for them. She had long ago reconciled herself that dating James was often a group activity. What did surprise her was how little she minded.

James stopped off at the bar to buy warm butterbeers for them all while she made her way back to the table. She had a bone to pick with Remus. Sabine had been a wreck the night before, in tears because either she broke up with Remus or he had broke up with her. It was hard to tell. That she seemed to have gotten over it rather quickly, if the fact that Lily and James had just seen her in Madame Puddifoot's with a sixth year Ravenclaw was anything to go by, was immaterial. Remus, bundled up in a thick black sweater and a bright blue scarf, didn't seem bothered by it at all. Neither did Sirius, whose mood had improved dramatically since breakfast that morning.

"You two seem to be a in a good mood," Lily said as she slid onto the long bench next to Peter.

"Moony just spent an hour sniffing the used books at Tomes, even though he was meant to be getting a haircut with the money he spent." Sirius grinned down at Remus, who was flipping through a thin, leather bound book. The only word Lily could make out on the battered spine was "memory", a favorite topic of his lately.

"You're the one who talked me into it."

"And what about you?" She asked Sirius pointedly.

"What's not to be happy about on a free Saturday with my best mates."

"In the pissing down rain," Peter moaned.

"I hadn't noticed."

"Ignore him," Sirius laughed, and Lily could understand why girls tripped over themselves trying to get his attention--when he smiled and his eyes sparkled like that, Sirius was dangerously handsome. "James had all the new members of the Quidditch team on the pitch before dawn for practice."

"I'll never be warm again."

"So, there's no other reason for this sudden change in mood?"

"Why are you so interested, Evans?"

"I'm not, particularly," Lily said as she moved down the bench a bit as James joined them. "I just thought it was interesting is all, it being so rare."

"What the lovely Lily is so delicately trying not to say is that we just saw Sabine suckering some poor sod who isn't our Moony into having tea with her at Puddifoot's."

"Did you really?" Sirius said with a false brightness. He didn't look up at her but gave his brilliant smile again as he moved one of the warm glasses of butterbeer closer to Remus.

"That's not what I was saying at all, and you can quit being so gleeful about it. Did you stop to think that maybe Remus isn't as glad about it as you are?"

"I'm fine, Lily."

"Better than fine now that the harpy is out of his life."

"She wasn't that bad, Black," Remus said, though he managed to look both apologetic and guilty at the same time. "Just not for me."

"I found her offensive in nearly every way."

"She was a good kisser."

"I didn't find that particularly true."

"Perhaps it's me who's the good kisser then."

Sirius' smile turned predatory as he twisted in his seat, clearly prepared to follow that line of inquiry to whatever end it led him. Lily looked over to James who nodded, encouraging her. If she thought it strange how interested James was in Remus' love life, she wasn't going to argue about it here. Besides, she had to admit to herself that it was rather fun needling Sirius.

"I know a couple of other people who are interested, Remus," she said, interrupting Sirius before he could truly get started.

"I'm not sure it's a good--" 

"Couple? As in more than one?" Sirius asked, cutting across Remus' words. 

"Is that so shocking?" 

"Of course not, but--"

"He's kind, which girls really love, despite what you think, Black. Smart," Lily began ticking off on her fingers what she felt were Remus' better qualities. "Tall. Smart. Handsome. Funny."

Remus dropped his face into his hands and groaned loudly. 

"Can we stop talking about this please?"

Sirius found his smile again and offered it up to Remus, obviously enjoying his embarrassment. "He can also burp louder than any other seventh year and smokes like a chimney, though he lies about it something terrible."

James and Peter laughed as Remus straightened up in his chair, putting on his best put upon face. 

"He's friends with you lot, so obviously a martyr," Lily said, coming to Remus' rescue when it was clear the other three wouldn't. "There's a mystery in that that girls love."

"Insanity, Lily. It's called insanity," Remus said.

"No matter. You're a catch."

"I kind of want to date him myself." James put his hand to chest and fluttered his eyes in Remus' direction as Sirius and Peter laughed louder and Remus threw his coaster at James' head, catching the edge of James' glasses.

"So you feel compelled to set him up," Sirius said to Lily once they had settled down. "I wonder who put that idea in your head," he added, looking directly at James.

"It was my own idea. James is off limits." Lily grinned at James, who sat back in his seat looking smug. "And you're the bad boy that girls want to reform and I'm certainly not encouraging that."

"Is that what they're calling it? Reformation," Remus quipped and then sloshed butterbeer down his front when Sirius bumped his shoulder against him. "Thanks for that."

"Which leaves Remus as the most eligible boy in Gryffindor," Lily continued.

"What about me?" Peter asked.

"You have a girlfriend, Pete."

"So, Remus? Are you still game?" Lily asked.

"You could just ask someone out yourself," Sirius said.

"And spoil Lily's fun?" James stretched his legs out beneath the table and jostled them against Sirius', kicking his ankle repeatedly until Sirius kicked him back. "Let them be, Sirius."

"Okay. How about Agnes Diggory? Hufflepuff. Fifth year."

"Too young for the most eligible boy who apparently has his choice of anyone of the school," Sirius said. He gave James' foot one last shove and then leaned his elbows on the table. "Lupin needs someone smarter than Agnes. Didn't she manage to set fire to her robes in Potions?"

"Meris Dearborn. Gryffindor."

"Caradoc's sister. I know her," Remus said. He'd gone back to his book, apparently prepared to leave Lily and Sirius to their own devices.

"Sixth year. Top of her class. Old enough, smart enough."

"Not her," Sirius said. "She can't take a joke."

"You sent her a howler pretending to be her mother." Lily ignored both James and Peter laughing next to her. "Last week you charmed her ponytail into the shape of a horse's head. It took her ages to comb it out."

"That last was Moony's idea," Sirius said.

"It wasn't!"

"You dared me to do it," Sirius said to Remus before he turned back to Lily. "Which is why he needs someone with a sense of humor."

"Someone he can laugh with rather than at?"

"Exactly." Sirius spread his hands wide, palms up, as he smiled back at Remus. "Someone who won't get easily offended when he points out how stupid they're being."

"I don't do that."

"You do it to me all the time."

"That's because you deserve it."

"Astrid Flint," Lily said and that had their attention back. She knew as soon as she said the name that Sirius would object and he didn't disappoint.

"She's Slytherin."

"Peter's dated a Slytherin once and she was a perfectly lovely girl," James said.

"And no one was more surprised than me when she didn't curse him in his sleep. No Slytherins."

"You can't just hate all Slytherins on principle, Black."

"I think you'll find that I can, Evans. Name someone else."

"She's fine," Remus said, turning a page in his book. "I'll go out with her."

"You will not," Sirius said firmly. He pushed his glass away and then crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at Lily. She glared back, unimpressed. How dare he insult her friend and push Remus about as if he belonged to Sirius. It was ridiculous and Lily refused to give in. 

Remus, on the other hand, laughed merrily and finally put down his book. He looked more cheerful than he had in several days. "Just one date. Just to see what it's like."

"That's probably what's she's saying about you, too. No Slytherins."

Remus stared at Sirius' profile for a long minute, tapping his fingertips on the scarred table. His eyes were narrowed, as if he was measuring how far he could push Sirius, and Lily was suddenly curious about this--about how much was for a laugh and how much was Remus pushing the limits of a friendship that seemed to have no boundaries. She wasn't surprised when he made his decision, or when Sirius accepted it without much more than a grunt. "She's a friend of Lily's. It'll be fine."

 

***

 

Lily couldn't bear the thought of how insufferable Sirius would be once he found out that Astrid and Remus had already broken things off, if he didn't know already. It hadn't even been two weeks. They'd only had two dates, and not even on their own because Sirius insisted that they double with Peter and Mary and then with James and Lily. The most infuriating part of the whole thing was the way Remus seemed to cave into Sirius' angry little tirades and brooding. As she came into the Great Hall for dinner and saw Remus sitting on his own in their usual place, she decided she'd had enough. There was real chemistry between Astrid and Remus, she was sure of it, and she couldn't bear to see him constantly trying to appease the little tyrant, at least not without Lily saying something. 

She stormed over to the Gryffindor table and sat across from him, pointing her finger at him before he could say anything. "You broke it off with her."

"It wasn't working out."

"Because of Black."

"It had nothing to do with Sirius."

"It's just like with Sabine. He didn't like her either. He wouldn't even give her a chance--"

"He dated her once. That was her chance." Remus looked away from Lily and began straightening the cutlery at the side of his place. "We weren't compatible."

"I suppose that's what you said to Astrid when we both know that Sirius hated her to begin with."

"He hates all Slytherins. He had nothing against her personally, and this really had nothing to do with him. I know she's your friend, Lily, and don't think I don't appreciate--"

"Did he just tell you to break it off straight away, or did he--"

"He had nothing to do with it, all right. And for the record, Sabine broke it off with me." Remus put his hand flat onto the table and took a deep breath. "Listen, Astrid said I didn't kiss bad for a half breed. As much as you're not going to like hearing this, it was exactly what Sirius said it would be."

"I'm so sorry, Remus."

"Don't be. I just wanted to see what it would be like with a Slytherin so it doesn't make me any better. She was just a little more honest about it." Remus looked over his shoulder to the door as more students began to come in for their dinner, searching, Lily supposed, for his friends. "Look, I know you don't like him but Sirius --."

"He shoots down everyone I try to set you up with. They're not smart enough or pretty enough or--"

"He's just protective of his friends."

"I'm surprised he lets James date me."

"Sirius likes you, he really does," he hurried to add on when Lily scoffed. "Besides James has been in love with you since third year. Sirius wouldn't do anything to try to upset that. His friends really do come first. We're his family."

Remus looked over his shoulder to the door again, turning back to her after another group of students came through. "Don't tell James about Astrid either, okay? He'll tell Sirius, and Sirius hasn't exactly grown out of hexing Slytherins."

"She deserves to be hexed. I might do it myself."

"You know that I don't blame you." Lily nodded then shrugged her shoulders as Remus smiled softly at her. "I just think maybe I won't date anyone for a bit. They're not really interested in me. They're just doing you a favor or hoping Sirius notices them--"

"That's not true."

"Or they want to see if the stories about me are true. Half breed. Filthy--"

"Stop it, Remus," Lily whispered.

"Beast. Diseased," Remus hissed, his mouth drawn into a thin line. He curled his hands into fists on the table, and Lily thought perhaps he'd even forgotten that she was there.

"That's not true. None of that is true," she hissed back. "What I said before, what I said at the Three Broomsticks--that's what's true."

Remus nodded, a grim smile crossing his lips. Lily reached for his hand but he pulled them away. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm tired and I don't know. I'm not feeling very well."

Remus turned one last time in time to see Sirius and James coming in with Peter from Quidditch practice. "Listen, James already has the best girl at school, right?"

Lily blushed, waved her hand in front of her face to stave off her tears. "All those things I said were true, Remus."

"All right. Don't forget your promise." Remus stood abruptly and grabbed his bag as James, Peter, and Sirius came closer. They were laughing and jostling each other, joking loudly enough to attract attention as they walked through. "I'm going to go back to the tower."

"You haven't had dinner."

"I'm not really hungry. I'll see you later."

Lily watched as Remus started to walk past Peter and Sirius on his way out of the Great Hall. Sirius grabbed his arm to stop him, blocking his path. "Where are you going?"

"Not hungry."

The jovial air fell from Sirius and he stepped directly in front of Remus, trying to force Remus to look at him. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing. Just leave it, Black."

"You know it doesn't work that way."

"I'm fine, Sirius. I'm just tired."

"I'll come up with you."

"Don't, okay? I just want to be alone for a little bit. Just have your dinner and come find me in the common room when you're finished."

Remus pulled away and turned, leaving Sirius looking after him before Sirius looked back at the table--at Lily. "What did you say to him?" 

"Go easy, Pads," James warned.

"It's okay, James. I didn't say anything to him," Lily said but she couldn't meet his eyes. She knew Remus was right about Sirius' loyalty and she wanted to tell him, wanted Astrid to hurt for hurting her friend, and she was ashamed of herself for even thinking it. "He said he was tired."

"Are you sure he was just tired? That it wasn't--"

"Tired. I talked with him before you came. He was fine, just. Tired."

Sirius stared at Lily for a minute, contemplating whether or not he believed her, before he finally sat down but all through dinner he was unusually quiet. James and Peter made up for it, chatting away about everything and nothing, but Lily could tell that James was worried, too, by the way he kept his eyes on Sirius. Lily ate her dinner as quietly as Sirius had, watching him put aside food in a napkin--a roll that he carefully buttered, a pastie, and a pile of fat grapes--as he shoveled down his own dinner. At the end, he wrapped his little bundle up and stuck it in the pocket of his robe, and then Lily knew it was for Remus, which made her feel worse.

Afterward, when they were walking back to the common room, Lily thought about Sirius, about what Remus had said, about what she knew from James. Sirius was walking ahead of them, barely listening to James or answering when someone asked him a question, and Lily knew he was focused on getting back to Remus. It dawned on her then that it wasn't just loyalty to his friends that was driving him but something more, something different. Something--

Lily stopped suddenly in the middle of the stairway, tugging on James' arm. "I forgot my bag in the Great Hall. Would you mind terribly?"

"No, we can go back."

"Would you go for me? It's just that I told Alice I'd meet her right after dinner to give her some notes and--"

"It's fine. Pete and I'll go."

Lily waited until they were back down the stairs and around the corner before she ran to catch up with Sirius. She grabbed his arm and pulled him into an empty classroom.

"Potter's like my brother, Evans, so no matter how much you beg--"

"Don't be disgusting. It's about Remus."

Sirius' demeanor changed immediately and he became serious, taking a step toward her. "Did he say something to you before dinner? I knew something was bothering him."

"He just broke it off with Astrid."

"Good."

"Because she called him a half breed."

"Right. I'll fucking kill her." Sirius turned on his heels and headed to the door but Lily grabbed him before he could make good on his threat.

"That's not why I told you and you can't say anything. I promised Remus I wouldn't tell you."

"Then why did you?"

Lily looked away, her mouth curled in disgust. "Because I thought she was my friend."

"Slytherins aren't your friends. They're incapable."

"I'm learning that, all right."

"And don't set him up with any more Slytherins. Though I think he just agreed to go out with her to piss me off."

"Remus wouldn't do that."

"He's not exactly sugar and spice, you know that, right?"

Lily rolled her eyes, twisting her lips as she tried not to smile. "He's kind."

"I know he's kind. He's also the mastermind behind half the pranks we've pulled at this school and has the smarts not to get caught. He's a devious bastard, and delights in winding me up."

"It's because he knows you won't ever really get mad at him," Lily said softly. "It's because he knows you'll always protect him, even from yourself."

"He doesn't need protection," Sirius said slowly. "If anything--"

"You want him for yourself."

"What?" Sirius stumbled over the word but couldn't quite meet her eyes as he back away from her. "What are you on about, Evans?"

"You love him."

"Of course I love him. We all do."

"No. You love James like a brother and you tolerate Peter because he's friends with James. But Remus..." Lily let her voice trailed off. "You're _in love_ with him."

Sirius stared at Lily, his mouth opening and closing like a fish before he forced out a laugh. "What?"

"You heard me."

"How do you get from ..."

Lily crossed her arms over her chest and tilted her head to stare at Sirius until he huffed in frustration and walked away from her. She watched as he roughly pushed his hand through his hair, dropping into one of the desks but still wouldn't look at her. He was looking instead at the palm of his hand, rubbing his thumb over a tiny scar that Lily could barely see. She let him be for a few moments before she sat next to him and covered his hand with her own.

"Did James tell you?" He finally asked.

"Do you think he would?"

"No."

"He didn't. But he told me what you did, how you saved Remus' life. What you risked." Lily turned Sirius' hand over and touched the scar. "You have to tell him."

"I can't."

"You have to, Sirius. You have to tell him. He deserves to know."

"I don't have to do anything." Sirius pulled his hand away and stood to pace the room. "He deserves someone better, okay? He deserves--" Sirius looked off, fishing for a name but unable to come up with one. "I don't deserve him."

"That's what Severus said to you, isn't it. That's what you fought about."

"I didn't need an excuse to fight with Snape."

"But that's what made you angry enough to--" Lily stopped herself, unable to say it. "He found out. Severus found out. He's half Muggle and all Slytherin. He would have--"

"No."

"He was going to tell. You were protecting Remus."

"No. That's not it. I was protecting Remus, all right, or thought I was. I thought that Snape--" Sirius turned away from her, his hand pushing through his hair again.

"I know he's a werewolf."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"I've _known_ , Sirius," she said. She stepped closer to him and put her hand on his shoulder. "I've suspected since fifth year but he told me himself last spring."

Sirius turned on her, backing her up against a wall, his hands on her arms, his voice raising. "Did you tell Snape?"

"Of course not! I've kept Remus' secret." He stared at her hard. "It's the truth. I never told anyone. I wouldn't. Severus is clever, no matter what you think. He figured it out. He's been saying it since forever and at first I didn't believe him and then I tried to convince him he was wrong. And then, last year, after-- I made him promise not to tell. He hasn't. He won't."

Sirius continued to stare at her until it seemed he decided she was telling the truth. He backed away from her then, his hands raised before he turned, kicking a chair out of his way as he began to pace the room again. "He just kept after Remus. Mulciber and Avery can barely manage a thought between them and they managed that curse last year? That was Snape."

He turned then, coming closer, pleading with her to understand, and Lily wanted to. "I thought it would scare him. I thought it would make him leave Remus alone. I didn't think he'd be stupid enough to listen to me. I thought he would think it was another prank. I just--I just wanted to make him _pay_ for all the things he's said and done to Remus."

"Remus could have killed him. He wouldn't have been able to live with that."

"No. I was there. I wouldn't have let him."

"You couldn't have been. You couldn't have stopped him."

"I was there, Lily. I'm always there. I'm--" Sirius stopped short and took a deep breath. His eyes were suddenly bright, and he laughed--the sound loud and brittle in the quiet of the room. "I'm an animagus."

"You can't be," Lily said, stunned. "That takes years of study, and you have to register--"  
As she watched, Sirius took a couple of steps away and suddenly transformed into a large, shaggy black dog before he changed back into a man. Lily covered her mouth with her hands and stared at him. "No sixth year could have learned that."

"It took years. I was in fifth when I managed it the first time."

"James?"

"What? Does he know? Of course he knows."

"Is he one, too?"

"I'm not telling you that," Sirius said but his pale gray eyes were sparkling with mischief. She knew it was true, that James had learned as well, and she wanted to laugh at their cleverness, at their daring, but she couldn't. It was too much--too big. She shook her head, unable to believe that at the moment.

"I learned to do that so that I could help Remus," Sirius continued, gently clasping her wrists in his large hands and leaning down so that they were face to face. "I learned it so I could be with him during the full moon and he wouldn't have to be alone. I would never do anything to purposely hurt him."

"I know, Sirius."

"But I did. I hurt him. I could've-- He could've ended up dead because of me. He almost died because of me. Snape was going on about what a monster he is." Sirius' voice was raising again and he clutched at her jumper, his hands shaking. "I'm the monster. Me. It's the legacy of my bloody family and I can't be rid of it no matter how hard I try. But he forgave me. I didn't deserve that. I don't deserve--"

"But you love him."

Sirius took a step back, and then another, before he turned to sit back down on the bench that lined the wall and cradled his head in his hands.

"I do," he said. "You can't tell him."

"I'll stop trying to set him up." Lily gave a choked laugh, swiping at the tears on her cheeks. "It was James' idea. James'-- He knows, doesn't he."

Sirius nodded miserably.

"I guess he thought--"

"I know what James thought."

"I'll stop."

"No. Don't do that. He's not. I mean, he doesn't." Sirius sat up straight and took a deep breath. When he finally turned to her, his eyes were pleading and she felt so sorry for him. She sat next to him on the bench and took his hand again, and this time he let her.

"He deserves someone," he said after a while. "He just wants to be normal and he deserves to be made happy. Just, no more Slytherins, all right?"

"I still think you should tell him, Sirius."

"I almost lost him once. I won't do anything that might jeopardize what we have now. He doesn't know and I'm not going to tell him."

"Now who's being thick if you think he doesn't know?"

Sirius looked up at her, his eyes narrowed as he considered that but then he shook his head. "C'mon. James is going to think I'm ravaging you in a dark corner of the castle."

That was the end, Lily knew. He wouldn't talk about it and he wouldn't budge, at least not now. She followed him from the room, walking silently at his side as they went back to the common room. There, they found James, Peter, and Remus sitting in the chairs and couches nearest the fire. James told her that they couldn't find her bag and Lily said she must have left it in her room. On the stairs to the girls' dormitories, Lily stopped to watch as Sirius sat next to Remus and began offering up the food that he'd brought back. Neither said anything, Remus merely accepting whatever Sirius gave him bit by bit. By the time she came back down, James and Peter were beginning a game of chess and Remus had slumped down in his seat, book in hand, his head against Sirius' shoulder. Sirius sat still as a statue, staring into the fire, his arms crossed over his chest and his long legs stretched out in front of him. Lily knew she would keep his secret better than she had kept Remus' but she couldn't help but feel sad for them both. 

When she finally looked away, she saw that James was watching Remus and Sirius as well, as if they were pieces from his chess set who just needed the right sort of direction. She would keep their secret, yes, just as James had. But just like James, Lily was suddenly determined to find a way around them both.


	5. early November 1977

It was cold and Remus rather regretted letting James talk him into coming to the Gryffindor Quidditch practice. He'd sat on a borrowed broom for the past hour throwing golf balls to this year's new seeker, a pretty little fifth year who was a fierce competitor and had managed to catch nearly everything Remus could throw at her. He landed when James called the team down and rubbed his hands together, pulling the sleeves of his jumper over them, as he walked toward the row of benches where Lily sat waiting for them. 

This was the first time he'd been out of the castle in nearly two weeks, unless you count the full, which Remus never did. He wouldn't have come out at all that afternoon if James hadn't begged, claiming that he needed someone to work with the seeker. Remus agreed grudgingly, unable to tell James no when he began to complain about how Remus had been focused on his coursework to the exclusion of nearly everything else, including his friends. That last was hardest to ignore, not that Remus really wanted to, not really, especially since it was Sirius he was trying to avoid--not that Sirius had done anything to deserve it. It was the opposite in fact. 

Remus sat heavily onto the bench next to her and reached for Sirius' thick black wool cloak, pulling it over his shoulders. As he played with one of the buttons, he kept watch over what was happening on the pitch. The team members were all huddled around James as he spoke to them, Sirius at his right hand, and it was Sirius who held Remus' attention. He couldn't help but notice how good in Sirius looked in his kit, taller than the others--broader, more handsome than he had a right to be. 

It was hard enough, Remus thought, being a werewolf, and the reality of that consumed him a little more each day. It was worse realizing he was a werewolf who was in love with his best friend--that he needed to have Sirius near, more than he'd admit to even himself. It was paralyzing to realize that while he loved all his friends, it was Sirius' presence that gave him the most comfort, especially near the full when everything rather went haywire--that when he felt a bit broken, being with Sirius made him whole again. Made him feel alive. Made him human. It wasn't like he hadn't known this for ages, since at least fifth year, he reasoned, but it was different somehow since the summer and everything that had happened. He couldn't bear the thought of what it would be like next year when he was on his own, and there was no Sirius--no pack--to make things easier. He was sure they'd be friends but it wouldn't be like this. It could never be like this again.

"Sickle for your thoughts," Lily said after a while, knocking her shoulder into his. 

It was then that he noticed the other players had started to head off the field, all except for Peter who began flying rather wobbly rings around the pitch. He couldn't explain what he'd been thinking, about how there was no other way for him to be, just like he couldn't help transforming into a monster at every full, and it felt so hopeless. He'd woken that morning, the night after they'd celebrated Sirius' birthday, unable to stop thinking of it--of Sirius, of possibly being gay (likely, he corrected as he thought back to his handful of miserable dates with Lily's friends) and a werewolf. Of being in love with his gorgeous, perfect best friend and how _phenomenally unfair_ the entire world was.

Remus shook his head, finally looking away from Sirius as he and James began walking toward where Remus sat with Lily, and laughed at himself. He wasn't often given to melancholy, he thought, and grimaced up at the heavy gray clouds as if they were to blame. "They're not worth that much."

"You look tired. James thinks you're working too hard."

"If I'm tired, it's because James thought apparating to London for Sirius' birthday was a good idea."

"So that's where the four of you got off to last night. He wouldn't tell me. I figured he was feeling guilty about something."

"He didn't--" Remus began quickly but stopped when Lily held up her gloved hand to stop him.

"It's all right, Remus. After this many years chasing after me, if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's James Potter's heart."

"He didn't tell me not to say anything. He probably promised Sirius he wouldn't tell but knew I'd end up telling you anyway." 

It had just been the four of them, sneaking off the grounds and apparating to London because James had Plans. Remus, still tired from the full only just five nights prior, could still remember the way Sirius had curled around him for a side along apparition. Even now, he warmed at the thought of how Sirius' had stolen a kiss in the moment before they disappeared, his stubble pleasantly rough against Remus' cheek. It was precisely those thoughts that Remus was trying not to hold on to, not to return to again and again, though he certainly wasn't doing much to discourage them (or Sirius).

"There's no use fighting it, Lupin," James said, jarring Remus' thoughts back to the hard bench and the cold wind. "Evans is determined that all my friends should be as happy as I am."

"Are you happy?" Remus asked James as scornfully as he could manage, mostly just to be difficult. "I hadn't noticed. You really shouldn't keep everything bottled up inside all the time."

"Prat. Didn't you tell him?"

"I haven't had the chance," Lily said.

"You've had your heads together for the last ten minutes, and Moony looks as though he's deeply unhappy about something. I figured you'd broken the news."

"What news?" Sirius asked as he joined them. "And why would it make him unhappy?"

"It's not! It won't! I don't think," James said cheerfully. "I told you, Lily wants my friends to be as lucky in love as I am, don't you my own dearest heart?"

"What about Black?" Remus asked as he scuffed the toe of his boot in the dirt so that it flew over James. There had been some hope amongst the Marauders that James would have been tempered a bit once he'd secured the object of his affection. It'd been a failed theory just like all their attempts to finally plot an unplottable room. "Surely she's not interested in seeing him happy."

"I do fine on my own."

"What you get up to behind closed curtains is of no interest--"

"Careful James," Lily said. "There are ladies present." 

"Too right. Did you finish the Runes homework, Sirius?" Remus asked as a last effort to avoid what he was sure was another set up. "Would you mind if I look at it tonight?"

"Don't change the subject, Moony." James pointed his finger at Remus' nose and held his ground admirably when Remus made five warts bloom from the tip of it with a flick of his wand.

"Did we have one?"

"Your happiness."

"I'm perfectly happy, or will be if Sirius tells me he found the answers to the last five questions."

"It wasn't in the text." Sirius was leaning over James' shoulder, looking at Remus' wandwork with his hands buried firmly in his pockets. "You have to translate the Elder Futhark runes into Dalecarlian."

"Brilliant."

"Easy, of course, given my natural genius."

"And just for that, Moony," James said as he tried a second spell to make the warts recede, "you'll have to agree to whoever it is that Lily proposes."

"I thought Evans had given up being a matchmaker, having no talent for it at all." Sirius took Remus' wand and pointed it at James' finger, turning the warts green and doubling their size.

"I'm quite talented," Lily protested. She withdrew her own wand and banished the warts completely before pointing it at Remus. "I was looking just the right person, and I'm pretty sure I've got it right this time. Are you still willing, Remus?"

Remus jumped up to stand behind Sirius who raised his hands in mock surrender. "I've always been happy enough to date one of your friends, Lily."

"And you don't mind either?" She asked, moving to point her wand at Sirius instead. Remus was surprised by how much he wanted to hear Sirius' answer. He could feel Sirius' muscles tighten beneath his jersey and unconsciously curled his hands over Sirius' shoulders, dropping them when he realized what he'd done.

"As long as it's not with a Slytherin," Sirius said quietly and Lily shook her head.

"Now that's settled," Remus mumbled. He sat back on the bench and took his wand back from Sirius to tuck it back into his bag. He didn't know what he had expected and yet still found himself disappointed by more than just the thought of a few awkward dates with a girl who would never know what he was, who could never make him feel like Sirius could with just a look. 

"Ravenclaw. Smart. A great sense of humor," Lily said as she ticked off the qualities on her fingers. "Quite keen," she added after a slight pause, looking back up at Sirius.

"Attractive?" Sirius asked.

"Very."

"Is this a set up for Black or for me?" Remus asked. He was irritated with the whole conversation though he struggled not to let Lily know. He caught Sirius watching him, though, a strange look in his eyes that made Remus feel simultaneously angry and giddy, like he didn't know whether he wanted to kiss or hex Sirius and could possibly be persuaded to do both.

"You!" Lily laughed. "And this person doesn't believe all that rubbish of duels and tiger hunts that someone has been spreading."

Remus' lips finally curved into a quick smile, his anger immediately fading to nothing. He knew exactly who had been spreading those rumors and half a dozen more so that everyone in the school had heard something different about his scars and no one the truth. "So if not dueling, what does she believe?"

"Not that it matters, but a car accident. Are you interested?"

"I suppose."

Lily smiled and stood up to link her arm through James'. "Excellent. So tonight? Professor Slughorn if having a party. James will be coming as well."

Remus laughed at the face James pulled behind Lily's back. The thought of a Slughorn party wasn't particularly enticing but it'd nearly be worth it to see how James handled it.

"The Slug Club," Sirius scoffed but he was grinning at Remus. Clearly he thought it might be worth a laugh as well. "Very exciting. Sounds like a perfect first date."

Remus kicked at Sirius' ankle to make him shut up. It would be awful no matter what, they all knew, even with James there. Slughorn had always treated Remus with a certain contempt that James had always insisted had more to do with Remus' terrible potion making skills than with his furry little problem, but Remus was never sure. The thought of navigating his party with a pretty, giggling girl on his arm, a girl he was now positive would hold no interest for him, was bad enough without Sirius' teasing.

"It'll be fun, I promise. At least they're not as bad as they used to be. The Slytherins mostly don't come anymore. So he'll pick you up outside of the Fat Lady's portrait at eight--"

"He'll?" Sirius interrupted, the tease completely gone from his voice. "As in he?"

"Didn't I mention? It's Matthew McKinnon."

"The Ravenclaw seeker?" James asked as he stepped away from Lily to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Sirius. "Marlene's brother?"

"I suppose. I never met her. Should I tell him it's okay, Remus?"

Remus looked from James to Sirius, his eyes lingering on Sirius as he considered his answer. It wasn't the first time he would have dated another boy though he certainly hadn't told James or Sirius or even Peter about it. He'd been afraid of what they would say, afraid that their unconditional acceptance wouldn't extend to this. This couldn't be hidden, he knew, if he showed up to a Slug Club party with Matt McKinnon who had never been exactly quiet about his preference for boys over girls. Going with him would be coming out to his friends--to the entire school in a way he was sure he'd never be able to do as werewolf. It wasn't that it was unheard of in the Wizarding world, at least if Remus believed what Colin had told him, there was just so much emphasis on blood lines and heirs amongst the purebloods. He couldn't deny it scared him, that he thought it scared Sirius, too. It was tempting, though--to finally be open about this at least, even if he kept everything else about himself hidden from all but his best friends.

"You lot have a problem with it?" He finally asked.

"The Ravenclaw seeker?" James asked again, a definite whinge clinging to his words.

"Please tell me that's your only problem here, Potter," Lily said darkly.

"Yeah. I don't care if Lupin's a poof. No offense, Remus--"

"None taken."

"But the seeker for Ravenclaw? He's the main reason we nearly lost the Quidditch Cup last year."

Lily rolled her eyes and turned back to Remus. "Remus?"

Remus was still looking at Sirius, who was staring back at him. "Is it a problem, Black?"

"No," Sirius said. He pushed his hand through his hair before he put his hands on his hips, hunching his shoulders a bit. "Not a problem."

"Fantastic!" Her smile was bright as she kissed first Remus' cheek and then stretched up her toes to kiss James. "I'll tell Matthew," she said as she attempted to smooth down James' wild hair before giving up and leaving them to return to the castle alone.

None of the boys said anything, and Remus couldn't bring himself to look at either James or Sirius, afraid of what he'd see. Sirius stood with them for a few minutes more, shifting from foot to foot before he hooked his thumb over his shoulder. "I'm going to go. Practice with Peter."

"Sirius--" 

"I'll see you at dinner."

"He'll be all right with it," James said after Sirius had taken to the air and began to chase Peter down. 

"I'm not sure."

"He will be. He just…didn't expect it."

"Didn't expect it? After he's--" Remus stopped short to swallow back his words. James didn't know--couldn't know--how Remus felt about Sirius or what he thought Sirius had felt for him every time he'd kissed Remus or touched him. Took care of him.

"After he's what?"

"Nothing," Remus said. "I'm just-- Pure bloods. It'll be all over the school by morning. Remus Lupin is a poof. Better than being a werewolf, I suppose."

"Moony--"

"Ignore me, James. I'm just tired of everything."

"Of Sirius?"

"Yes. No." Remus pulled Sirius' cloak more firmly around his shoulders, liking the way it smelled of cigarettes and Sirius. It was comforting, and when he spoke again it was more softly with none of his earlier heat. "No. I'm tired of hiding things, I guess."

"You used to be a master at keeping secrets."

"Not from him, though."

"No, though I don't think this was so much a secret. What I meant when I said that I thought he didn't expect--"

"It's all right, James. Like you said, he'll get over it. He probably already has."

"Look, I have to confess something. There's something you should know--"

"If there's something Sirius wants me to know he'll tell me himself."

"Moony--" James sighed and ran his hand through his hair, making it stick up worse than ever. "I'll talk to him."

"Don't." Remus shook his head and smiled sadly at James before he picked his book bag up from the ground and slung it over his shoulder. "I'm going to go."

"I'll walk back with you."

"I'd rather be alone for a bit."

That night as Remus and James were getting ready to go out, Remus felt less sure that going out with Matthew was a good idea, and Sirius wasn't helping by quite loudly being very silent on the other side of the room. He hadn't said a word during dinner and earned himself a detention by hexing his brother as they left the Great Hall. Only Professor McGonagall's rather sudden appearance had prevented it from escalating to a full battle. Things were tense now, more than they had been, even after James had extracted a promise from Sirius that he wouldn't go off on his own tonight. Remus stared down at the three jumpers on his bed, each shabbier than the next, and bit his lip nervously. 

"C'mon Moony," James said. "Aren't you ready yet?"

"Mostly. I'll be down in a minute." Remus watched as James left, closing the door behind him, and went back to staring at his jumpers. He wanted to stay something to Sirius but wasn't sure what. Everything sounded stupid, too stupid to say out loud: _I'm only going out with him to see what it's like. I wouldn't be doing it at all if you had just said something. Why do you keep kissing me if you don't mean anything by it? I'm in love you, you complete and utter idiot._

"Here," Sirius said, interrupting Remus' thoughts by holding out a bundle toward him. 

"What's this for?"

"To wear."

Remus shook out the dark red jumper. "You don't have to--"

"I got it for you for Christmas but I thought you could wear it now. Tonight."

"Christmas is two months away."

"And?"

"I don't know." Remus stared at the gift in his hands for a long moment. It was soft and thick with the crest for Gryffindor embroidered on the shoulder, nicer than anything he'd ever owned, and completely confusing because Sirius wasn't particularly known to shop months in advance for a holiday. Remus knew he still owed Peter a promised birthday present from last May. It was odd, and strangely endearing, and Remus felt more confused than ever yet absolutely sure at the same time. "I won't go tonight," he blurted out. "If you don't want me to."

"I know McKinnon. He's all right. Everything Lily says he is. He'll make you--" Sirius broke off and shook his head as if he couldn't finish the thought. "Just ignore whatever Slughorn says to you, yeah? I told James to stick close but he goes brainless whenever Lily's around."

"He doesn't. Not really."

"No. He's better when she's around. Don't tell either of them I've said that."

"I won't."

"I have to go."

"Your date with Professor McGonagall."

"Yeah. She can't resist me."

"Few of us can," Remus said as he tugged the jumper over his head. When he was free he found Sirius watching him, the look on his face familiar--dangerous. For a moment, Remus thought perhaps Sirius was going to kiss him again, and he found himself wishing Sirius would, but then the moment was over and Sirius was turning on his heels. He was out the door before Remus could say anything else. 

Remus walked more slowly to the door, stopping to look in the mirror. He pushed his fringe of long brown hair from his eyes, grimacing at the way the tips curled a bit. He knew he'd have to have it cut soon but at least now it hid the scar over his eyebrow and across his forehead. The ones along his cheek and nose were fading though still visible.

"Very handsome, dear," the mirror said, startling him. Sirius had hexed it in their third year and it had rarely talked to them since.

"Hardly."

"A smile completes any outfit!"

Remus ran his hand over the sleeve of his jumper and smiled gently. Maybe, he thought, it wasn't quite as hopeless as he feared.


	6. November 12, 1977  Saturday (Slytherin vs. Gryffindor)

Sirius had a rule: no girlfriends, or boyfriends (as the case may be) at breakfast on game day. James, as captain, had always been on board with it, except for this year, it seemed. First match of the season and James was the first to break it, Evans sitting primly at his side, though not simpering and there was at least that for which to be grateful. In fact, she seemed determined not to provide James with any sort of distraction at all, much to James' irritation.

"And when I'm knocked from my broom, senseless? All for the want of one lousy kiss that could have saved my life," James whinged, the pout on his lips mostly fake.

"Is it your life that's in danger now?" Lily asked. She was reading that morning's edition of _The Daily Prophet_ , and from over the fold, Sirius could see a wavering picture of what could only be the dark mark--he'd seen it often enough on the arms of his family members--and he averted his eyes rather than try to discern precisely what had happened.

"And Gryffindor's honor," James continued on. He picked up his knife and fork, attacking his sausages with renewed vigor. "I mean, when it gets out that we lost the match because Lily Evans refused--"

"Oh please."

"To kiss our, granted, very gifted chaser--" James carried on as if Lily hadn't spoken.

"Don't forget conceited," she said as she thankfully turned the page, and Sirius let out a breath he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding.

"Give it up, Prongs," Remus interrupted just as James opened his mouth to retort. Remus' breakfast was nearly gone, Sirius noted, and he was glad for it. He thought Remus was looking too thin lately, as he often skipped meals in favor of going to the library to study.

"Our Mr. Moony clearly doesn't believe in the providential powers of Evans' lips," Sirius said as he took another piece of toast and smeared it thickly with butter and jam before offering it up to Remus, who took it without thought and began eating it.

"Only because he's never experienced them of course, luckily for him, though that does seems to lend some validity to my argument." James turned to Lily, bending and closing his eyes as if expecting her to comply immediately. "So now that I've been proved correct?

"Absolutely not, Potter."

"I don't see where anything's been proved," Sirius said. "If anyone's kiss was to be lucky, I sincerely doubt it would be Evans'. Not with a mouth like that."

"And what is that supposed to mean, Black?" Lily put the newspaper down and bristled, tossing her long red braid over her shoulder.

"It means he's never forgiven you for hexing a rhinoceros horn onto the middle of his forehead when we were in second year," Remus said, and James and Remus both collapsed into laughter at the memory as James held his knife up to his forehead.

"Exactly," Sirius said loudly, knocking the knife from James' hand. "If one's kisses were going to prove lucky, then one would need to be possessed of a pure of heart." Sirius sat up straight, shoulders back, as he'd been taught as a young boy, and looked down his nose at Lily and James both--also as he’d been taught.

"And who would that be in this school?" James asked.

"Our Mr. Moony, of course."

James snorted loudly, tossing his napkin onto the table in front of him. "Says the man never on the receiving end of one of Lupin's bat bogey hexes."

"Which you clearly deserved each time," Remus said just as haughtily as Sirius.

"C'mon, Moony," Sirius pleaded as he turned toward Remus, his thigh pressing hard against Remus', and for a moment he thought maybe he should just let it go, because a joke was just a joke after all, but then James was looking at him expectantly--up for mischief--and Lily looked smug, and Remus wasn't looking at him at all. "The experiment clearly needs bearing out. Just one, for luck."

"Not even if this was for the World Cup."

"Moony," Sirius says, drawing his name out in a sing-song. He leaned in even closer so that the sleeve of his scarlet Quidditch robe draped over Remus' arm and he could press his wrist against the back of Remus' hand.

"Do you actually think I'm going to kiss you in the middle of the Great Hall, with every single one of our professors, including Dumbledore, sitting at the head table?"

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, his eyes narrowing slightly. He felt it was unsporting to point out that Remus' concern didn't apparently extend to the fact that Matthew McKinnon--Remus' boyfriend of ten days--was sitting just one table behind them, and that Remus wasn't completely excluding the possibility of kissing Sirius. He just leaned in closer, crowding Remus, ending up nearly nose to nose with him when Remus turned his head. "I dare you."

"That didn't even work when I was eleven, Black."

Lily laughed, leaning forward on her elbows to tug at Remus' sleeve. James slipped his arm around her shoulders, leaning in with her, his eyes bright behind his glasses.

"A Marauder never turns down a dare, Moony," James said.

"Besides, we're up against Slytherin," Sirius reasoned. "I may not make it back alive. This could be your last chance to kiss me at all."

"Did you hear that, Lily?" James asked

"I actually wish that were less of a threat." Lily looked beyond where Remus and Sirius sat to the Slytherin table, frowning. The competition between the two houses had grown to a fevered pitch leading up to the match, with the professors having to monitor the halls to prevent fights. Sirius knew that James was particularly concerned that Regulus, the Slytherin seeker, would try to exact revenge on Sirius for hexing him the week prior.

"It's all set," Peter said as he dropped down into his seat next to James, looking slightly out of breath, his round face flushed, and Remus and Lily looked at him, eyes narrowed in a twin look that normally would make Peter quail. He ignored them now.

"What's all set?" Remus asked, and Sirius could hear the suspicion in his voice.

Peter stopped midway as he reached for his glass of pumpkin juice, his fingers outstretched, as his eyes widened. He drew his hand back, looking first at Sirius then James. "For the match. It's all set for the match."

"Yes, clearly, Peter, but what exactly have you been doing to be _all set_ for the match with Slytherin?" Remus snapped out, uncharacteristically enough that Peter opened and closed his mouth several times before looking again to James.

"He was cleaning my broom," James answered, not quite meeting either Lily's or Remus' eyes.

Peter's eyes flickered to James one last time before he finally grabbed his glass and took a long drink. He set it down emptied and dragged the back of his hand over his lips. "For luck, you know. You should never clean your own broom before a match."

"Right," Remus said, clearly not believing him. "Luck."

"There's all kinds," Sirius said.

"And who cleaned your broom?" Remus asked Sirius, raising his eyebrow. Sirius had the urge to press his thumb to it, and curled his fingers over Remus' wrist instead, still hidden beneath the wide flare of his sleeve.

"I wouldn't ask Peter, that's for sure." Sirius said instead in a low voice meant only for Remus. He was rewarded when Remus began to blush. "So c'mon, Moony. One kiss. For luck."

"But then what will you want when you win?" Remus asked and Sirius raised his eyebrow again, not quite sure he believed that Remus' question was completely innocent, especially when the apples of Remus' cheeks turned the most becoming shade of pink. "Don't answer that," Remus said, reaching now for his own glass of pumpkin juice and dislodging Sirius' robe and hand from his arm.

"I know what I'd like," James said.

"Forget it." But Lily was already leaning back into James' arms, resting against his chest, and James smiled down at her. Sirius couldn't help but notice that love really did seem to suit James, that it suited them both, though he wasn't quite ready to admit it aloud. James really would be insufferable then.

"Promise me you won't bait the Slytherins," Remus said urgently after a moment of silence between the five of them, during which Remus had finished his toast, studiously ignoring the couple on the other side of the table.

Sirius looked back at Remus, who was now looking down at his lap, rubbing his thumb over the small scar that Sirius had created on the palm of his hand. James was still smiling down at Lily as if he hadn't heard Remus at all, and maybe he hadn't, Sirius decided. Maybe that was meant for him alone. "Bait them? The fact that I was sorted into Gryffindor was enough--"

"I mean it. Promise me. Whatever Peter's done, promise me you won't be a part of it."

"I haven't done anything they haven't deserved, Lupin," Peter said beneath his breath.

Remus pretended that he hadn't heard Peter, his eyes still focused on his hand. A spark of anger flew through Sirius, and he found himself suddenly furious that Peter should speak to Remus like that however much Sirius couldn't help but agree with what he had said. The Slytherins had done more than deserve a little prank, Sirius thought, but he didn't say it. He knew that Remus wouldn't see things the same way and right now he couldn't bear the thought of Remus being angry with him. That Remus had said anything at all made Sirius think that Remus was being quite serious in his concern, that he was truly nervous.

Sirius turned back to Remus, leaning in even closer so that his breath ruffled Remus' hair when he spoke. "If you kiss me, I'll promise."

"Are you ready, Lily?" Remus asked as if Sirius hadn't said anything, and Lily turned to him, nodding. She gathered her scarf and gloves, sliding from beneath James' arm as she stood.

"C'mon, Remus," Sirius whispered. He'd meant it as a joke at first--when he'd first said it--but now it was suddenly the most important thing in the world. He pressed himself more firmly against Remus' side, nearly content enough when Remus didn't pull away. "Please?"

Sirius wasn't sure if it was the combination of how he pleaded--the way he said Remus' name, or if maybe there was something in the way Sirius looked at him, his gray eyes intense--like even though he was joking, Sirius would actually really like a kiss right now, as if it would actually be a talisman of luck to keep him safe during the game. Sirius wished he knew the secret combination that made Remus lean in and actually kiss Sirius on the mouth, so smooth as he stood that anyone could have missed it if they weren't looking for it. It was over in a flash, Remus' smirk at the look of surprise on Sirius' face short circuiting something in Sirius' brain, and he only just had the presence of mind to grab Remus' hand and squeeze it before letting him go. He turned to watch as Remus walked away with Lily, neither looking back, before Sirius turned to James and Peter, his grin ferocious, feeling suddenly on top of the world. He reached into the pocket of his robe for a handful of small dungbombs and handed them to Peter. "You'll have to set these, Pete."

"Oh c'mon!" James twisted to look at the door through which Lily and Remus were disappearing through before he looked back at Sirius, his mouth gaping like a particularly unattractive fish.

"Sorry, Jamie. I made a promise."

James narrowed his eyes at Sirius and then planted his elbow onto the table, squashing the remains of his toast, thankfully buttered side down, as he pointed a finger at Sirius. "You're hiding something."

"No, I'm not."

"And now you're lying." James withdrew his finger and propped his chin in his hand, still staring hard at Sirius, who looked away, rolling his eyes. At the door he could see Matthew, the Ravenclaw seeker, turning to look at him and felt the bizarre urge to wave. He was stopped only by the arrival of the rest of the team and Professor McGonagall, who rested her hands on Sirius' shoulders. Matthew gave one last look before he left the Great Hall and Sirius felt a desire to whoop in delight, feeling like he had scored a point in a game he hadn't realized he was playing.

"I want a clean game today, boys," McGonagall was saying, and Sirius had to drag himself back, still grinning like a madman, even when James narrowed his eyes at him again. "I want to be able to look Professor Slughorn in the eyes at dinner tonight. What do you have there, Mr. Pettigrew?"

***

The first time Sirius hit the ground running, he barely had time to toss his broom aside before Rosier landed nearly on top of him. Rosier swung first and Sirius was only just barely aware of James calling a time out and the coppery taste of blood exploding in his mouth before Sirius punched wildly, his fist connecting with Rosier's jaw.

"Say it again," Sirius yelled, tackling Rosier to the ground. He had a good four inches on the other boy but Rosier weighed more, and Sirius had to work to stay on top of him, barely managing to block it when Rosier struck out again and not managing it at all when he felt pain blossom across his face. James was there, then, pulling Sirius off Rosier with Peter's help. Rosier has a bloody lip and a black eye, and Sirius was grimly satisfied.

The Slytherins were on the ground then and the referee, a retired Falmouth Falcons seeker serving a term as Hogwart’s flight instructor and Quidditch coach, was on the pitch, attempting to keep the brawl from escalating.

"The next to throw a punch will take a penalty," she yelled. "Back on your brooms."

"Black is hurt," James started.

Sirius passed the back of his hand over his nose, looking at the blood. "I'm fine," he bit out as he grabbed his broom and kicked off back to his post.

The second time Sirius hit the ground, it was Regulus he was facing down. His hand was tight around the neck of his broomstick and neither had yet thrown a punch. The Slytherins were quick to call a time out as soon as their captain realized their seeker wasn't focused on the snitch, but Sirius barely heard him as he watched Regulus draw his wand.

"He saved your life, Reg."

"I didn't need to be saved, especially not by some half-bred--"

James was quicker this time, catching Sirius' arm before his fist could connect, drawing Sirius back several steps before he drew his own wand on Regulus. The Slytherin captain pulled Regulus back and they both watched as Regulus put his wand away, and only then did James lower his.

"What in Merlin's name is going on up there?" James asked when the Slytherins walked away.

"They're taking shots at Lupin."

"I know, but why are you listening?"

"Why are you not?"

"Because I want to win the game." James tossed his hands into the air and took half a dozen steps away from Sirius before coming back. "Ignore them, Padfoot. They'll have more than enough to worry about when they get back to their changing room. But the revenge will be better after we've won, right?"

"Right," Sirius said but he was distracted as he watched Regulus from across the pitch. "They've got something planned, James. Something against Remus. That's got to be why the sudden interest."

"They've already been after him for dating McKinnon."

"What?" Sirius’ attention was suddenly back on James. "He didn't say anything."

"Probably because it would be too weird that you would fight this particular battle for him."

"I'm not fighting his battles."

"Then what do you call it?"

"Protecting him! I'm protecting him!"

"Can you two maybe have this conversation another time?" Peter asked, and James and Sirius looked down at him, both surprised to see him as he stood there with broom in hand. Sirius was relieved to find that the rest of the team was still up in the air, thinking it bad enough that Peter likely overheard him. Sirius dragged his hand over his mouth again and spat onto the pitch.

"Right. Back into the air, Peter, and you," he said, pointing his finger at Sirius, "remember you promised Moony that you wouldn't bait the Slytherins."

"I'm not! They're--"

"I know. I know. Sorry. Just let's get through the game and then we'll take care of them, yeah?"

Sirius began to argue but was cut off when the whistle blew. "Right," he said, straddling his broom again and kicking off.

Sirius began playing aggressively, not letting anything past him. The Slytherins continued their attacks and Sirius tried to ignore them, though he was growing angrier with each pass. Rosier came at him time and again, driving Sirius back but Sirius blocked each of his shots, until Rosier spun on him as the other players flew away, the sound of his voice a raw hiss. "Half-breeds like Loony Lupin will be the first to be killed when the Dark Lord comes. You can't always be there, Black."

Sirius didn't even see the other players swing back around, and so didn't attempt to block their shot. He was chilled by what Rosier had said, blinded by his fear, and they scored to the sound of Rosier's laughter. James called a time out before Sirius could go after him.

The team landed on the pitch, circling around James, except for Sirius who began searching the stands for Remus. James grabbed his arm, driving him back a few steps from the other players. "Left side, third row back, toward the middle."

Sirius turned and found Remus almost immediately sitting with Matthew but his eyes were on Sirius.

"What's going on with you?" James demanded.

"Nothing."

"You realize that even with a cane he matches you at dueling."

"What are you talking about?"

"Lupin can take care of himself."

"I know he can!"

"Not to mention he's with McKinnon."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"I don't know. I thought it might."

"It doesn't," Sirius said more quietly, pushing his hand through his hair. "It doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter."

"Then what's the problem, besides Slytherins spouting the same garbage they've been throwing at you for seven years because they know it gets under your skin."

"This was different."

"How?"

"It was--we'll take care of it after. There's no problem."

"Then get your head back in the game before a Slytherin knocks it off your shoulders."

Sirius shook James' hand off his arm, turning to look at Remus once more before he turned back to join the huddle. They broke after a few quick words from James, the whistle blowing as they flew back in the air.

The Slytherins were almost immediately on top of Sirius, and Sirius was still playing aggressively, fighting to keep his mind on the game and ignoring the comments that were becoming progressively worse because the Slytherins knew they were getting to him. He couldn't hide it. He didn't want to. 

It was a brutal match, with everyone injured and reserves from both sides on the pitch. It wasn't long before the Slytherin beaters were sending bludgers almost exclusively toward Sirius, and Peter and Simon Fletcher, the Gryffindor Beaters, were flying near him, protecting him until one slipped through and hit Peter's leg. Peter howled in pain and dropped down several feet below Sirius, slipping on his broom, and Sirius dropped down with him, another bludger coming through almost immediately and hitting Sirius' shoulder. The pain was incredible--searing--but he bit back his cry and looked up in time to see a Slytherin chaser flying forward with a quaffle with a Slytherin beater behind him. Sirius forced his broom forward, up to protect the goal, blocking the quaffle, before there was a rush of players on top of him. They knocked Sirius into the goal rings, one using an elbow to drive his head back, knocking him from his broom.

Sirius' hands slipped on the handle of his broom before he could feel himself falling through the air. It felt like forever until he jerked to a stop above the pitch, the sight of his brother's horrified face the last thing he saw before he landed more gently on his back in the grass, slumped on the field. James was there first, landing nearby and running to him, turning him over, calling his name but Sirius heard nothing else.

***

"Where's Remus?"

"Lie still, Mr. Black."

"But--"

"Mr. Lupin is fine, a sight better than you at the moment, I should think. Now lie still."

Sirius laid back on the infirmary cot, wincing when Madame Pomfrey cast a spell that felt as though it stretched his shoulder before snapping it back into place. He grunted in pain but wouldn't cry out. He kept his eyes closed and waited until she had finished bandaging his wounds and cleaning him up. She let his friends through, then, once Sirius was propped up in his bed, his arm and nose heeled, cleaned up and a bandage wrapped around his head where it had been cut when he'd hit the goal post. "But not more than five minutes," she insisted, pointing her finger at each of them in turn.

"What happened?" Sirius asked, looking at Peter's red, downcast face.

"You were knocked from your broom and--"

"I know that. How did the game end? What happened?"

James took his glasses off and rubbed the lenses clean with a handful of his robe before putting them back on. "Your brother--"

"Don't call him that."

"He caught the snitch," James said. "They won. It doesn't matter."

"Of course it matters, damned Slytherins." Sirius closed his eyes and rubbed his hands over his face. When he opened them again, he finally noticed that Remus was a mess--his hair, his shirt. "Is that my blood or yours?"

"Our Mr. Moony took down Regulus," James said with a laugh though he caught Remus around the neck and pulled him close.

"But not before he busted my lip. Someone had to defend your honor."

"I hope he looks worse." Sirius said as he leaned his head back into his pillows.

"Decidedly."

"We're going to take off," James said. "Madame Pomfrey said you need to rest."

"I'm fine." They smiled at him, and Sirius watched as they turned to leave, waited until they were nearly gone. "Moony?"

"Yeah."

Sirius waited until they were alone before he spoke again. "Did you-- I mean, I remember falling."

"Dumbledore stopped you."

"Oh."

"I was scared," Remus said in a small voice. He sat on the edge of Sirius' cot and began picking at the thin wool blanket covering him. "More afraid than I've ever been. I thought--"

"Yeah."

"No, I mean it, Sirius. What if--"

"Nothing's going to happen to me." Sirius took Remus' hand into own and swept his thumb over the scar before he nodded. "I'm always going to be here."

"You can't know that."

Sirius shrugged. "The Slytherins couldn't--"

"McGonagall is giving us all a week's detention," Remus interrupted. "Everyone who was fighting, which was most of Gryffindor. Except you even though you broke your promise."

"I didn't!"

"I know. The Slytherins started it. James told Professor McGonagall what they were saying so she said you'd been punished enough."

"I knew you were lucky."

"Hardly."

"Possessed of a pure heart."

"You're a complete idiot. I don't know why..."

"Yes, you do."

"Yeah, I do." Remus closed his hand over Sirius fingers and tugged before he let go and stood. "I should go. Poppy doesn't--"

"Don't call her that."

"It's her name."

"I know it's her name."

"I should go before she comes back. I'll come for you in the morning."

"Remus?"

"Yeah?"

Sirius stared at Remus for a long time, at his dirty clothes and torn knuckles. At the way he nervously bit at the corner of his lip. At the way his hair flopped over his forehead and curled at his ears. Sirius didn't say anything. He couldn't because he knew it'd all come out wrong but he wanted to. "It's nothing," he whispered. "I'll see you in the morning."


	7. November 23, 1977

Lily often wondered what had taken her so long to figure things out, figure James out. Sitting at one of the long tables in the Gryffindor common room, surrounded by books and parchments as she studied with her friends, she watched for him to come through the portrait while pretending she wasn't. When he finally did, flashing a crooked smile in her direction, something in her stomach fluttered warmly at the sight of him. He'd asked for help in Potions, though they both knew it was a chance to sit close together and flirt as he certainly didn't need her assistance. As he came closer, Lily sat up taller in her chair and smiled back at him, wondering if he'd be willing to drop the pretense of studying altogether.

"You're late," she said, not able to quite keep the tease from her voice. He looked really good in his uniform, his Head Boy badge gleaming for a change, his glasses just slightly askew.

"I am. I'm sorry. Would you mind terribly if I took a rain check for tonight?" James asked and Lily was surprised. After years of James chasing after her and months of flirtation and weeks of dating, a hesitant James was something of a marvel. "I wouldn't ask but Sirius needs me to take care of something for him tonight."

"I'm being stood up for Sirius Black?" Lily leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms over chest. Her friends laughed at them both, at how torn James looked. "Is this something going to explode at some point?"

"I hope not. Sirius'd kill me." With that, James winked as he stepped away, walking backwards, with his hands held out in apology. When he finally turned away, Lily continued to watch him as he crossed over to one of the couches where she noticed for the first time that Remus was stretched out in front of the fire, asleep.

When her friends would laugh again, Lily hushed them, suddenly annoyed though she knew they didn't _know_ , that they didn't understand. To them, Remus was a sickly sidekick to James and Sirius, nice if a bit strange--eccentric with his old clothes, old books, and even older Muggle music. A misplaced Ravenclaw, some said, and Lily both loved and hated knowing the truth, knowing Remus well enough to know what the other girls didn't know at all. He was nobody's sidekick, and though he was smart enough--he worked hard enough--to fit in with the Ravenclaws, he was a true Gryffindor, mischievous, bright, creative, and terribly, horribly brave. 

Her friends turned back into their books and gossip easily enough but Lily looked back over to the fireplace, watched as James gently stroke his hand over Remus' head before he took off his robe to cover Remus as he slept. He smiled at her before he bent over to whisper in Remus' ear, and Lily felt it--that strange, weird, wonderful rush that often swept over her when he was near. She laughed out loud and Alice raised an eyebrow at her.

"Something you'd like to share with the class, Miss Evans? Not that I can't guess."

"Only if you're willing to tell me where you were last night."

It was Alice's turn to laugh and blush, twisting the thin bit of gold that Lily knew had been given to her over the summer as a promise between them by Frank Longbottom. Lily used to envy Alice and Frank, wishing she would find that boy, that moment, that perfect love at first sight, but no more. As Alice turned back to her books, Lily stole another peek at James, unable, really, to keep her eyes off him. It hadn't been love at first sight, no, but she really wouldn't trade this feeling for anything else.

 

***

 

"All right, Moony?" James whispered as he stroked his hand over Remus' head. He was bothered by Remus' red rimmed eyes and the way his hands shook, hating to see him like this. He felt useless--powerless--and was selfishly grateful that it was Sirius who usually took on this responsibility of caring for Remus before the full. He hated that there was no way to fix this. Fix Remus.

"Where's Sirius?"

"Detention."

"Trust him."

"C'mon. He'll be back soon," James whispered and helped Remus to lift up a bit as James sat down, encouraging Remus use his thigh as a pillow. Once they were settled, James rubbed his thumb into the base of Remus' skull like he'd seen Sirius do a hundred times before, watching as Remus' eyes fell shut again and he slipped into a restless sleep.

The full moon wasn't until the next night but it seemed harder this time, especially since winter had finally and truly arrived. The grounds were covered in drifts of snow, the icy walls Hagrid's paths nearly to James' waist when he'd gone to the greenhouses earlier that day. The halls and classrooms were freezing, not even Professor Flitwick's charms seeming to be able to stop the frigid air that swirled through every chink in the mortar of the stone walls. They were all cold but Remus seemed to suffer the worst even with the thick wool socks that had started to appear by the dozen in his trunk and the new pair of boots that he'd found in place of his old patched pair. James had been a accomplice in that particular conspiracy, and Remus had been quietly furious at them both for what he viewed as charity, at least until the first ice storm hit. At least the common room's blazing fire was warm, and James felt warmer still when Lily moved to sit on the floor at his feet with her book forgotten in her lap.

It was late when Sirius finally made his way back to the Gryffindor common room, the old clock on the mantle showing just after midnight. He smelled of the Potions lab and looked rather pleased with himself when he crouched down on the floor in front of Remus and stroked his hand over his head as James had done earlier. He looked at Lily for a second, frowning when he saw he was being watched by her as well, before he pressed his lips in a brief kiss to Remus' brow and adjusted James' robe over Remus' shoulders. "Has he been asleep all night."

"Mostly," James answered, both whispering because Remus never slept heavily and certainly not in the days before the moon when sleep often eluded him completely.

"Good." Sirius touched Remus' face with gentle fingertips, tracing the scars that were finally fading away, and then smiled when Remus blinked open his eyes. They watched as he stretched, pushing James' cloak from over him, and settled on his back, his head still pillowed on James' leg. Sirius sat down on the floor next to Lily, watching carefully as Remus struggled to wake up fully.

"I didn't think Slughorn saw you pinching ingredients from his stores," James said after a while, once some straggling Gryffindors had disappeared up to their rooms with furtive looks at their Head Boy and Girl.

"I don't think he did. He got me for interfering with Regulus' pet project. He didn't believe me when I said I was just looking at it."

"Probably because you weren't."

"I just wanted to see what he was up to. I didn't do too much damage. Slughorn made me inventory the first years' cupboard."

"You did that last month."

"I think after seven years he's just run out of ideas," Remus said, slurring his words. He shook his head and scrubbed at his face with his hands before he yawned and struggled to sit up. "He used to give it some thought."

"You're awake." Sirius gathered James' robe from where it fell onto the floor and passed it over to Lily. "You didn't eat much at dinner."

"Wasn't hungry."

"Not even for this?" Sirius produced an orange from his pocket and held it up with a flourish, knowing they were a favorite.

"Where did you get it?" Remus asked, his eyes going wide. He pushed up onto his elbows and then eased himself down onto the floor to sit next to Sirius, shrugging their hands off when both James and Sirius tried to help him.

"You won't enjoy it nearly as much if I tell you," Sirius said, winking at Remus as he began to peel the fruit.

"You stole it from Slughorn, didn't you."

"He'll never miss it." Sirius batted Remus' hand away when he would reach for the orange and finished peeling it in one long strip before he held out a section to Remus. Remus ate it quickly and reached for more. James watched as Sirius gave him another fat slice before he licked at the juice dripping off his fingers and then pulled Remus' leg out straight so that it wouldn't go stiff.

"He will, actually," Lily said. "I heard him asking Hagrid about good fertilizers because his tree isn't doing well. He said it had only produced two fruits so far."

"He'll still have one, then."

"Sirius--"

"Better enjoy then," Sirius whispered, offering another slice, which Remus took more hesitantly. "If our prim Miss Evans thinks I'm going to spend the whole of our holidays in detention inventorying the first years' cupboard then you should absolutely make it worth my while."

"I didn't say that but you'll owe Remus an apology if he spends it alongside you."

"I'm rather adept at apologizing to Moony. It's almost become an art. He forgives me anything," Sirius said as he offered Remus another slice of the orange.

Remus stared at him for a long moment, his thin face sharpening with some unspoken need that made James shiver before Remus went back to looking like he always did. "Shades of my madness, I'm sure," Remus said just barely at a whisper as he took the proffered slice.

"Mad about me," Sirius teased in an off-hand way but there was no joke in the way Remus blushed and ducked his head. Then Sirius could hardly seem to help himself as his eyes widened greedily, and, as James watched, he moved to tuck a strand of hair behind Remus' ear so that he could tenderly drag his wet fingers over the curve of Remus' neck. James averted his eyes, the moment suddenly too strangely intimate to watch, but he could now see that Lily was still riveted by it--by them--and he worried what she would think and wondered if she knew--if she could tell through some woman's intuition--the depth of Sirius' affection.

"Lily--" James began in a whisper, not knowing what he was going to say but desperate to protect Sirius' secret as willingly as he would Remus'. He was saved when the portrait swung open and Peter tumbled into the common room, his books clattering to the floor before he found his footing.

"Has she gone to bed?" Peter asked, looking around the room.

"Who?"

"Never mind. What have you got there, Sirius? Is that one of Slughorn's oranges?"

"How do you know about the oranges, Pete?" James sunk back into the corner of the couch and tipped his head back, relieved to have a distraction. "Rumor has it there's only one left."

"I guess he doesn't have any now." Peter picked up his books, cramming them back into his overstuffed bag before he tossed the whole thing toward the staircase leading to their room and came to join them at the fire. "We always had one in our stocking at Christmas even though they're impossible to find. My mum always managed. We'd have a wish granted if we could peel it in one strip. I never could."

"So you stole it?"

"Marit asked me to."

"You're stealing for Slytherins?" The sound of Sirius' voice was scathing, and when James turned back to him, he found Sirius offering Remus another of the remaining slices though his eyes were on Peter. 

Sirius had been furious when Peter had dumped his Hufflepuff girlfriend to start dating Astrid Flint's sister, Marit, a thin, sharp sort of a girl who had once (it was rumored) hexed another girl so badly when the girl did better than Marit on a project that the girl had to be sent home for the rest of the term. James wasn't actually sure that had happened since no one knew the other girl's name or in what house she belonged, but there was no doubt that Marit was ambitious, more so than her sister, and, if Peter was to be trusted (and he generally was in such matters, James thought) willing to go all the way, or would be soon.

"On that note," Lily said, "I'm off to bed."

"No goodnight kiss?"

"After you stood me up?" Lily shook her head gravely, and passed her hand over Remus head before she started to move away.

James grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss against her fingers. He was tempted to follow except that Sirius was looking rather murderous at the mention of Peter's current girlfriend. "I'll be more careful next time."

Lily didn't pull away but stroked her hand over his head, as she had done with Remus, smoothing where he knew his hair must be standing on end. Her green eyes were bright and fond, and James felt as though he'd done or said something particularly right. He wanted to ask her what it was that earned him that look--one that shot right through him and made him feel as though he was flying--because he'd do it again and again if he only knew. He watched her walk away, only turning back to his friends once she'd disappeared up the stairs to the girls' dormitories and Peter had flopped down beside him on the couch.

"So I take it your date went well if you've begun stealing fruit for her," James teased, nudging Peter's shoulder with his own.

"Not just any orange," Peter said to James. "It's some sort of special tree with healing powers from Alexandria or something, only Slughorn has mucked it up. I figured if it was just going to wither on the vine, yeah?"

"Exactly," Sirius said, still holding the slice out to Remus but Remus just shook his head.

"See? It's brilliant, and Marit was really excited about it, and with me, if you know what I mean. In fact, we're going out again on Friday night and I said I'd set her friend up with Sirius," Peter finished in a rush, poking the toe of his boot against Sirius' knee. "You'll go, right, only I've promised and you've got to do me this one favor."

Sirius looked up quickly, his eyes narrowing, and Peter quailed a bit against James' side at the sight of it. Remus took the opportunity of Sirius' distraction to steal another slice of orange from him without waiting and ate it quickly. Sirius leveled his look at Remus but Remus only laughed at him weakly and held out his hand for one of the last slices of fruit.

"It's the full, Peter," James said quietly, low enough so that only Peter could hear but Sirius and Remus both went still as the mention of it.

"I forgot. Sorry Moony."

"It's alright, Pete."

"I don't know how you keep up with it, mate. James gave me that lunar chart and I still can't remember half the time."

"I wouldn't mind forgetting it myself once in a while."

"Yeah, not as if you could though, right? It'd be great though. Then Sirius and me could go out tomorrow night and I could get laid instead of--"

"Instead of what, Wormtail?"

There was a dangerously sharp edge to Sirius' voice but James was looking at Remus, watching as something he couldn't quite name slid across Remus' features--guilt, maybe. Shame. Loneliness. Usually this was where James would jump in and save Peter from Sirius' temper, as he had always done in the past. Instead James kind of slumped into his seat and stared into the fire while Peter floundered, James' belated _knock it off_ not carrying much weight but enough that when it finally came both Sirius and Peter backed down. James watched as Sirius held up another slice of the orange to Remus but Remus shook his head, done.  

"C'mon. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get another for you," Sirius wheedled, his fingers dripping with the juice but Remus just gave him another weak smile and shook his head again.

"I'm really not very hungry."  

"I'll take it if he doesn't want it," Peter said without much conviction and Sirius ignored him.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Sirius asked Remus, and Remus nodded. Sirius took the peel and the remaining slices and tossed them into the ashes of the fire while Peter watched. Sirius stood up and reached to take Remus' elbow, James helping him to get Remus to his feet.

"We'll be up in a bit," James said, and Sirius nodded at him as he followed Remus from the room.

"I really did just forget," Peter said, once they were alone, and sounded so dejected that James took pity on him, his own anger falling away.

"He's just tetchy before the full. You know that."

"Which one," Peter huffed out, and James didn't bother to answer. Peter stewed for a few minutes more, his arms crossed as they both stared into the fire, before he abruptly stood, startling James from his thoughts. "I got the thing we talked about."

"What thing?"

"For the prank. Marit and I took one of the passages into Hogsmeade earlier and I bought it. Do you want to see?"

"In the morning, yeah?"

"Sure." Peter sat back down again, his elbows on his knees. "You're not mad at me are you?"

"No."

"Because I'll make it up with Padfoot. I'll apologize to Remus or something."

"It'll be all right. Don't worry about it. Just give it until after the full."

Peter nodded and they both sat staring into the fire until the clock chimed half past before Peter spoke again, more quietly this time. "Do you ever wonder what's going to happen after we leave Hogwarts? I mean with Remus."

"It'll go on like now."

"You mean, we'll just get together during the full."

"Why wouldn't we?"

"I don't know. I mean, werewolves have to register, yeah? He'll have to register and then everyone will know."

"Do you know who's on the registry now?"

"No."

"See, it won't matter if he registers. We'll keep him safe, just like we do now."

"Do you remember what Madame Pomfrey said, about werewolves not usually living very long?"

James did but he stared at Peter's milky blue eyes for a long time. They had never talked about the things they'd heard that day, not to each other and not to anyone. The thought had been bad enough when they were twelve and hadn't known all they did now. "That was a long time ago. She didn't know anything, didn't know Remus. It was way back in second year. He didn't have us with him."

"Yeah, but what happens if--"

"Don't ever think that, Peter. Don't ever say it, especially not to Remus. Especially not to Sirius. He'll be all right, and one day there might be a cure but until then we'll keep him safe."

"But what if we can't always be with him?"

"That's never going to happen. We'll always have each other."


	8. November 24-27 1977

Remus felt muzzy headed, as his mum would say, when he woke up; he always did after taking a sleeping draught. It was one of the reasons he hated them so much. He remembered swallowing it down and not much else, which he considered a true loss considering how he woke up--warm for a change and curled into Sirius' side. This was his one benefit of full moons, he thought, at least the only one he could usually remember, and he deemed it unfair to have no memory of it at all. Still, there were classes to get through, and he knew if he didn't get up now, it would be all too easy for Sirius to talk him into staying in bed all day. He wanted nothing more but he couldn't risk falling behind. Sighing, Remus untangled himself from Sirius' arms, purposefully not looking at Sirius' long legs or his smooth chest, and stumbled to the showers. He was gone before either James or Sirius were fully dressed, not giving either of them a chance to suggest he should stay behind. 

The day went about as well as he expected it would despite a headache pounding at his temples and his stomach queasy from the breakfast he hadn't eaten. He'd managed to avoid his friends, just wanting to get through the day, but couldn't avoid Lily. To be honest, he hadn't tried very hard. Now they were up in the boys' dormitory and Remus was lying on his bed, trying to rest though unable to sleep, as Lily sat on James' bed, flipping through one of his Quidditch magazines. She hadn't said anything in an hour, and that was one of the many things he liked best about Lily, she never felt the need to chatter to fill a void. He turned on his side and looked at her, and she looked up just then to smile at him.

"Feeling better?" She asked, her voice warm with compassion, though not pity--something else he appreciated about her.

"Not really."

"Of course not. I'm sorry, Remus."

"Don't say sorry. It's not your fault."

"No, but I'm sorry just the same. I hate that you have to go through this."

"Me, too." Remus sat up, sat on the edge of the mattress, and rubbed his shaking hands over his face. It was the waiting that was nearly unbearable; it gave him too much time to think, to remember how it was and how it'll be. He stood and paced the length of the room, wondering vaguely if Sirius would skip Quidditch practice to come to him. He rather hoped so, and that thought made his hands shake harder. "Would you mind if I smoked?"

"I don't care," she said, though Remus knew she did.

"I don't usually," he said as if to clarify, though she already knew it was a lie. He smoked way more than he should, riffling through Sirius' pockets during the breaks. It wasn't a habit if he didn't buy his own, he reasoned, which was good because he couldn't afford it.

He searched through the drawers of Sirius' bedside table but found only an empty packet and a cheap plastic lighter. There were none in Sirius' chest either, though Remus did change into one of Sirius' thick jumpers, quickly stripping off his own cheap, thin school sweater. He pulled the cuffs over his hands and the collar over his nose so that he could breath in deeply Sirius' warm, comforting scent. When he opened his eyes again, Lily was watching him closely though she said nothing.

Embarrassed, Remus paced the room again before standing in the middle with his hands on his hips. He still wanted a cigarette and didn't want to wait until Sirius came back to have one. He knew that James likely had a pack hidden away but knew, too, that James didn't want Lily to know he smoked at all, though James had rules--only when plotting and never alone, never more than one. Mostly he liked to tuck a cigarette behind his ear or pick apart the filter before it burned more than half down. Remus decided that it would be his deed for the day to keep that secret from Lily, and turned away from James' trunk to look at Peter's instead.

Peter, Remus knew, didn't smoke at all, at least not cigarettes, but he did have a joint tucked away in a rolled up sock. Peter wouldn't be much pleased if Remus took it, he knew; but with the ache pulsing through his body as the tide of the moon swung ever closer, it was easy to decide that Peter owed him for last night.

"Hey Lil?"

"Yeah?

"Are you here as Head Girl or as my friend?"

"I'm here as an agent of The Marauders," she said as she tossed down her magazine and laid across the foot of James' bed to smile at Remus.

"James or Sirius?"

"Both."

Remus smiled fondly and knelt in front of Peter's trunks, pushing the lid open and rummaging around. "Mischief is in order, then. They can't resist when they're together," he said, holding up the tightly wrapped joint.

"Is that what I think it is?"

Remus stood and went back to Sirius' bedside table to dig out the ridiculous Muggle lighter that Sirius was so fond of. Sirius didn't think magic enhanced weed, being a purist, he said, though he'd only had it less than a handful of times. He just liked Muggle things.

"Remus," Lily began, and Remus thought she sounded very young for a moment--the Lily of old who was more prone to scolding. "I don't think--"

Remus raised his eyebrow. "That's kind of the point when you're acting on behalf of James and Sirius, Lily. They would very much think this was a good idea if they'd known about it. In fact, they'd think it their duty to keep me company so I didn't smoke the whole thing myself."

"Where did Peter get it?"

"Peter's our emissary to the Hufflepuffs, some of whom have quite the side business going."

"And who are you a delegate to?" Lily asked as she joined Remus where he sat on the window seat fumbling with the lighter.

"The sane. James handles the gullible, and Sirius--" The lighter finally sparked to life, and Lily watched as Remus inhaled deeply, holding the spliff between his thumb and stained index finger. He closed his eyes, leaned his head back against the window, and held the smoke in for as long as he could. He felt Lily take the joint from him, heard her as she took a deep breath, apparently agreeing that James and Sirius would probably approve.

"Who does Sirius handle?" She asked after a few minutes of silently passing the joint back and forth with Remus.

"Hmm?"

"You said you handle the sane, and James the gullible. Who does Sirius handle?"

"Me," he whispered, his eyes still closed.

***

The meeting with Professor McGonagall had taken longer than Sirius supposed it would, eating away most of the afternoon as she decided his detention could be served then and there, never mind he had Quidditch practice. He was in a foul mood by the time he took the stairs to the dorm two at a time with James right behind him nattering on about plays and plans for the next game. There was music coming from their room--Muggle music, loud enough that the Head Girl would fuss, he knew, if she was there to hear it. He'd kill Peter if it was his doing, knowing it would disturb Remus from getting any rest, and his fingers twitched on his wand as he pushed the door open. He stopped short--surprised--when he saw it was Lily who was playing the music on Remus' charmed record player, a messy stack of LPs at her feet.

She turned when the door creaked open, smiling brilliantly at them both as she moved forward to grab James' hands and pull him into her dance. "I love this song," she crooned. "Dance with me."

James looked at Sirius, obviously as confused as Sirius felt, but he let himself be led forward. "What's going on here, Evans?"

"Remus wanted to listen to music."

"Did he?"

Lily hummed and wrapped her arms around his neck, moving in a slow sway against him. "I stole my sister's Joni album this summer, the one you said was crap."

"I didn't say--"

"You thought it," Lily said as she tapped her finger on his nose, laughing again. She wrapped her arms around him tight again, and spun them both. "Remus likes it, but he won't dance with me."

"Moony doesn't dance," Sirius said absently. He'd finally spotted Remus where he lay curled up in the window seat, and crossed the room to kneel on the floor in front of him. He tipped Remus' chin so that he could see Remus' eyes, see that his pupils were dilated. It was then that he spotted the remains of the joint in a saucer on the floor, along with the dregs of a cup of cold tea. He held it up so that James could see.

"Explains that," James said, but he didn't let go of Lily, only held her closer as they danced.

"She's pretty, isn't she?" Remus asked Sirius.

Sirius grinned at him, and pushed Remus' fringe from his bright eyes. "Have you been looking? James'll hex your bollocks off."

"He's nothing to worry about, or rather, I've not. She's not my type."

"So I've heard." Sirius pushed the saucer away and balanced himself to sit on the window seat next to Remus. They watched James and Lily dance for at bit. James was a truly awful dancer unless he was drunk but was still gamely leading Lily in something that resembled a waltz of sorts. Sirius was surprised when Remus sat up and wrapped his arms around Sirius from behind, to lean heavy and warm on Sirius' back. 

"What's your type, then?" He asked, not expecting an answer. He didn't expect Remus to remember he'd been asked a question. He was surprised when the answer came as almost nothing more than a puff of air against the back of his neck.

"Boys."

"I'd guess that much already."

"Tall boys," Remus slurred, his lips against the shell of Sirius' ear. "Boys with really nice hands."

"Pretty low standards, Moony. McKinnon fits the bill?"

Remus didn't answer. He only just rested his chin on Sirius' shoulder and sang along a bit off key with the record as if Sirius hadn't said anything. Sirius covered Remus' hands with his own, and listened, shivering a bit when Remus breathed out a laugh as James awkwardly dipped Lily. Sirius thought that perhaps he'd earned this bit of torture, and knew it unlikely that Remus would remember any of it in the morning after the full. He could have sat there until it was time to leave--and would have, if Peter hadn't barged into the room, letting the door bounce loudly off the wall.

"What's going on?" Peter asked, looking from James and Lily to Remus and Sirius, and back again. "You've nearly missed dinner."

"Peter!" Remus cried out brightly, standing and taking a stumbling step forward. Sirius quickly stood to catch Remus around his waist to steady him, and Remus leaned back against him easily. "Look everyone. It's the Founder of the Feast. Let's raise our glasses. Where's my glass, Pads?"

"Emptied."

"Shame."

Peter narrowed his eyes at Remus before he looked at his trunk. "Were you into my things?"

"Briefly." Remus tried to take a step forward, his hand lifted as if to make a point, but he was still tangled with Sirius. "Are you attempting to dance with me, Mr. Black?" Remus turned in Sirius' arms, wrapping himself around Sirius and taking his hand. "I get to lead. Alpha male and all that."

"Lead? You can hardly stand."

Peter came over to them, unwilling to let go his line of inquiry. "You were saying Remus."

"Was I?"

"My trunk?"

"Oh yes." Remus attempted to pull away from Sirius again but Sirius hung on tightly, swaying slightly as he tried to interest Remus in the dance again, which mostly worked. Remus took Sirius' hand once more and rested his head on Sirius' shoulder, closing his eyes and humming along with the music, Peter all but forgotten.

"Remus," Peter whinged again but he didn't get the same rise out of Remus as he had before.

"I did notice that your Zonko's Guaranteed to Wake the Dead alarm was missing, Pete," Remus said after a while but never lifted his head. "The one you'd modified? I feared that perhaps you'd been robbed and made sure your other valuables were secured."

"That was nice of you, Moony."

"I thought so, Pads."

"You should thank him, Pete." Sirius said, turning Remus so that Sirius could glare at Peter. Remus stumbled and laughed as they turned, and slid his hands beneath the hem of Sirius' shirt. His fingers were cold as they played along Sirius' spine, and Sirius' stomach flopped pleasantly at the touch.

Peter sighed and slammed shut his trunk to sit on the lid. "I was saving that," he muttered but was left to stew on his own. 

The two couples danced quietly for a bit longer, Sirius mostly just swaying Remus from side-to-side as Remus leaned heavily against him. After a while, the music stopped and the needle scratched repetitively at the end of the record. Lily tugged on James shirt and tapped his watch when he looked up. She nodded her head toward Remus and Sirius and James nodded back. It was time to go, nearly past time. Lily bent down to collect her records and slipped from the room as James put his arms around both Sirius and Remus' shoulders, hugging them both. 

Remus sighed heavily, and Sirius could fell when he sagged a bit, and held him tighter. "I don't want to go."

"I know you don't," James said. "We'll be there with you."

"You'll be there," Remus whispered against Sirius' neck.

Sirius nodded, pressing his lips against Remus' forehead. "Always."

***

The transformations were better with his pack but still painful. Coming back into himself, Remus twisted and turned on the floor, the pain nearly unbearable as his body reshaped itself from wolf to boy. As he lay in the dust, his mind still in the midst of the transformation, Padfoot stood over him, licking his neck in an effort to soothe the wolf and boy both until it was safe. When he was sure, Sirius transformed, kneeling on his hands and knees over Remus, still nuzzling Remus' neck.

"Are you all right?" He whispers, not moving until Remus nodded.

"My knee. I think I've wrenched it again."

"Up onto the bed. It's too cold down here."

"No." Remus curled his hands over Sirius' shoulders and held him close. It _was_ cold, the windows covered in frost, but Sirius was very warm, and Remus was suddenly painfully aware of being naked. "I'll need to go to the infirmary, and I can't get up to the bed on my own. Poppy will know someone helped me. Just get me a blanket."

"It really disturbs me when you call her by her first name," Sirius huffed out but made no move to get up. "I'll stay until she comes."

"No. You've all enough time to get back to the castle."

"Prongs and Wormtail are gone aleady. I'll hide. It'll be all right."

"Sirius."

"Shut it, Moony. I'm staying."

Remus stopped arguing, knowing it was pointless when Sirius had already made up his mind. He touched the mangled tin knight that hung from a cord around Sirius' neck, glad that Sirius would stay. When he looked back up, he found that Sirius was still watching him intently. "What?"

"I hate seeing you in pain."

"It's not so bad this morning, really. I'm tired more than anything."

"You ought to be. You led us on a merry chase. Nearly lost Wormtail toward the end."

"I didn't--"

"No. He fell off Prongs' antlers and got buried in a snow drift."

"I'll bet he wasn't much happy. He didn't want to come in the first place."

"Fucking pansy. I love running with Moony."

"Don't say that."

Sirius rolled onto his side so that he was half laying on top of Remus, and propped his head on his hand. His eyes were bright and shining, despite not having slept all night, and Remus thought he looked beautiful, certainly the best thing in the dim and decrepit house that served as his cage. 

"We went up along the ridge," Sirius said, whispering as if sharing a secret, "and howled at the moon for ages. It was amazing."

"I can't remember," Remus said sadly. He wanted to, desperately so, wanted to share in these adventures--to have that bit of Padfoot as well. He hated that the wolf had any part of him. Sirius stroked his hand through Remus' hair before he cupped his cheek, and Remus leaned into the touch. "I wish I could."

"I wish you could, too." Sirius brushed his lips over Remus' forehead, and then, as he started to pull away again, Remus curled his hand over Sirius' neck and pulled him back down. Sirius paused, just for a moment, before he kissed Remus gently, and then, as Remus kissed him back, more hungrily. They barely broke for breath as they touched one another, Remus' fingers dancing over Sirius' skin, tracing along sinew and muscle. Sirius kissed Remus' eyelids and his nose, his throat before his lips again, and Remus rose up to meet him, feeling himself harden as Sirius' thigh pressed between his legs. 

The wind rattled against the house, shaking its window and sending a gust down the long disused fireplace. Remus shivered, and Sirius pulled him closer with a hand on his bare hip as they continued to kiss until he barely felt the cold at all. When Sirius slid his palm over Remus' cock, Remus inhaled deeply, arching into the touch as much as he could, and Sirius, needing no other encouragement, did it again. It was strange and wonderful, the tug and pull on sensitive skin, familiar yet not, and Remus couldn't stop thinking about how it was _Sirius'_ hand. The house groaned and settled around them, the sound drowning out Remus' moans as his world condensed down to just Sirius and this moment. 

It was over too quickly, though Remus thought that it could possibly never last long enough to satiate his need for Sirius. Sirius was still kissing him gently, and staring down at him with something akin to reverence, and it made Remus blush and bury his head into Sirius' neck. He tried to think of something to say--anything would have done--but then he could hear the trap door rattling in the floor below them.

"Poppy," he whispered, clinging to Sirius for a moment before he shoved at his shoulder. "She can't find you here."

Sirius nodded, looking dazed for a moment, as if Remus was speaking Latin, before he grabbed the blanket from the foot of the bed and pulled it over Remus' body. Remus grabbed a handful of the rough wool to clean himself with, watching as Sirius stood to hide in a corner beneath the cloak. A moment later, Madame Pomfrey's bustled into the room and knelt at his side, pressing her cold hand against his warm cheeks.

"I don't like your color, Remus. You're flushed."

"I'm all right, really. I just--my robes, please. I couldn't reach them."

"Your breathing is too rapid, too," she said, ignoring him to feel his forehead for fever. "I hope you're not taking ill."

"I'm all right, really."

Poppy tutted, and helped him up, helped him into his robes before she walked him back through the tunnel and back to the castle. In the infirmary, she continued to fuss like a mother hen, settling him into bed and pouring potions down his throat. "Get some rest now," she said as she tucked the blankets around his shoulder. "It won't hurt you to spend the day here. It'll be quiet, at least until the game is over."

"Hufflepuff is playing Ravenclaw. I'd forgotten."

"Never you mind about Quidditch. It's peace and quiet for you, until I'm sure you haven't caught your death out there in the shack in this weather."

It was hours later when Remus woke again, and the sun was sinking below the horizon. He took a long time watching through half closed eyes as the last of the rays disappeared. His stomach growled, and he hoped Madame Pomfrey would be back around soon. He could hear her at the end of the room, the tinkling of glass on a tray and her soothing voice calming someone else's worries. He sighed, and settled back down into his pillows and blankets, drifting off again so that when the kiss came very gently on his forehead, so soft it could have been a gust of air, he almost missed it. He knew then that Sirius had likely been there all day hidden beneath James' cloak, watching him sleep.

"She's going to make me stay the night," he whispered, not opening his eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you?"

"I really am sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"Stop apologizing to me. I don't want you to be sorry."

"What do you want?"

"I know exactly what I want, Sirius. I'm just waiting for you to figure it out." Remus opened his eyes to nothing, the space next to his bed still quite empty, and he wondered if maybe he'd dreamt it.

In the morning, it wasn't Sirius at his side, but James. Remus picked at his breakfast tray, trying to make at least half of it disappear without his wand before Madame Pomfrey came back.

"Are you feeling all right?" James asked. He'd come early enough with a change of clothes that Remus had tried to slip out right then but Madame Pomfrey had caught them. She'd changed his bandages and tipped more potions down his throat before setting a tray full of food in front of him with a lecture on calorie expenditure and keeping up his strength.

"Tired," he answered as he speared another forkful of potatoes. "Poppy tried something new for my knee."

"Did it help?"

"A little. Hurt. Sirius wasn't there."

"I haven't seen him since last night."

"But you could find him."

"If you want me to." Remus shrugged as if it didn't matter. "Did something happen between you?"

"No," Remus said, but he flushed as he tried not to remember Sirius' hands on him.

"You're a terrible liar, Lupin."

"That's usually a good thing."

"Are you going to ask me who won the game yesterday?"

"I forgot about it."

"McKinnon asked where you were."

Remus turned his face away from James and looked out the window. The sun was shining and the sky was a brilliant blue. He knew it would be bitterly cold but he couldn't help but wonder if he might slip down to see Hagrid later in the day.

"I told him you'd be back tomorrow." Remus nodded absently that he'd heard and James patted his leg. "He's a good bloke. Probably if you told him the truth--"

Remus looked at James, shocked that James would even suggest it. "I can't do that. I mean, I like him but he's not--"

"Not about your furry little problem. I meant about Sirius."

"What? Sirius and I are just--"

"Don't Moony. I already told you that you're a terrible liar."

Remus shook his head and looked away again but said nothing.

"I'm sorry, Remus."

"It doesn't matter, James. I'm not like you, or anyone else. I can't be in love with someone, especially not him. It's impossible."

"I don't see where love is a matter of can or can't. You are, so why do you think you shouldn't be?"

"It's too dangerous, and besides it wouldn't be fair. Sirius needs someone who can take care of him. Someone who isn't a burden."

"He doesn't see you as a burden."

"Someone who isn't a--" Remus broke off and rubbed his hands over his face, taking in big gulps of air as he attempted to compose himself. 

James watched him, fascinated, as Remus attempted to shut down and James knew that in a few minutes, it would be like this never happened. "You know, it's amazing to me how alike the two of you are."

"How do you mean?"

James shook his head and stood up, the chair scraping along the floor a bit. "I'll find him."

"Don't."

"And we'll come back later to help you up to the tower."

"It's okay, James, I'm fine."

"You're anything but. Finish your breakfast. I'll find him."

Much later, Remus sat at a table in the common room with Peter, James, Sirius, and Lily as they studied after dinner. They hadn't spoken about what had happened, neither had said a word. There was too much to do now, Remus thought, he had an essay to finish and a quiz to revise for. Besides, Sirius was brooding, and there was no use talking to him when he got like that. It was enough that he was there and not hiding, though Remus knew that had more to do with whatever threats James had leveled at him than anything else. He wondered about it long enough to cause a large splotch of ink to form on the bottom of his parchment, and cursed beneath his breath as he reached for his wand. One of the third years interrupted him before he could complete the spell to say that Matt was waiting for him outside the portrait. Sirius stiffened at his side but still said nothing as Remus got up to talk with him.

"You missed the game." Matt leaned against the wall opposite the portrait, slouched down with his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah. Sorry about that."

"I noticed Black wasn't there either."

Remus shrugged. He certainly didn't know where Sirius had been, though Remus knew all his better hiding places. He was certain Matt didn't actually care about them.

"Is your knee bothering you again? Is that why you weren't there?"

"It is a bit but that's not why I wasn't there."

Matt huffed and pushed his hand through his curls. "I thought we had something good here, Remus."

"I'm not good for any one, Matt."

"Does that include Sirius Black?"

Remus stared at Matt for a long minute and then gave him a flat lipped smile before he turned to go back to the common room. Matt stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Wait! I'm sorry. Please talk to me."

"I'm the one who's sorry."

"C'mon. I love you. We can make this work."

"You can't possibly love me. You don't even know me."

"Remus--"

"I'm sorry. That was an awful thing to say. You really are better off without me." Remus found it was easier than he supposed to just walk away. He supposed he should feel guilty about it but didn't. His skin prickled as he came through the portrait and saw that Sirius was staring at him. It came to him now that he should have told Matt that he thought they should stay friends, that he wasn't so far off the truth--that it was impossible but not for any reason Remus was ready to admit to. It was too late for that, he supposed. He collected his books without saying a word to anyone and trudged up the stairs to his room to hide behind his bed curtains. 

Sirius watched Remus as he disappeared up the stairs, and then left the tower at nearly a run, ignoring James as he called out to him. Matt wasn't too far away yet and turned around at the sound of Sirius' footsteps, hope falling from his face as he realized who it was.

"Did he send you?"

"No," Sirius said.

"Oh. I thought--"

"Did you two break up?"

"You don't know?" Matt lifted his eyebrow and took a step toward Sirius, incredulous.

"You can't just give up. You have to try harder."

"I think this might have worked better if he'd come himself."

"It doesn't work like that with Remus. He just takes what he's given in life so sometimes the people who love him have to fight on his behalf." 

"And you love him." 

Sirius pushed his hand through his hair and backed up a step, the truth of it too much coming from someone so wholly unconnected with him. "I'm his best friend, McKinnon, since first year. I fight for him." 

"Then you think that his being with me is for the best." 

"I know that he likes you" Sirius hedged, "and I know that you treat him well. So." 

"I'll talk to him again." 

Sirius nodded. "When you do, it's probably best not to mention that I talked to you first, yeah?"

Sirius thought about that conversation for a long time before he headed back to Gryffindor Tower. He loved Remus, there was no question, and he couldn't stop thinking about what had happened in the shack. He hadn't meant for it to go that far, just as he hadn't meant to tell McKinnon to work it out with Remus. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn't even notice he wasn't alone in the common room (that he'd even managed to find his way back there) until Lily spoke.

"How do you do it, Black?"

"What?"

"Watch him be with other people."

"I want him to be happy," Sirius answered more truthfully with her than he would have with anyone else.

"He seems happy when he's with you."

"He's happy with Matt. I thought you'd like that. You hate me and he was your set up."

Lily came closer, her smile rather sad as she rested her hand on his arm. "I don't hate you, Sirius."

"You used to."

"Maybe when you were more interested in hexing me than talking. Maybe you've grown on me."

"When did that happen?"

"I don't know."

"It's not easy, Lily," Sirius said. "Nothing about this is easy, right? It's just that I'm going to do whatever I have to to make sure Remus is happy and safe."

"Even if that means sacrificing your own happiness?"

"I can't make him love me."

"James did with me."

"James has infinite patience."

"You do with Remus." Lily stretched up on her toes to kiss Sirius' cheek and then patted his shoulder before she started up the stairs toward the girls' dormitories. "Besides," she said, her voice floating down to him. "You don't have to _make_ him love you. He already does." She stopped, and leaned over the banister, her long hair falling over her shoulder. "But you knew that already, didn't you?"


	9. December 24-25

The house was on the edge of London, in a section of town Peter had never been to before and never wanted to visit again. It looked abandoned, rather like the Shrieking Shack, but Marit said that it was just the anti-Muggle wards. She was right, of course. Inside was like a fine hotel, or rather what Peter imagined a fine hotel must look like, but people lived here, though he wasn't sure who. It wasn't that kind of party, where you sat down to dinner and discussed whatever had been in that morning's _Daily Prophet_ , as he'd done at the Potter's twice before, once to celebrate the Potter's anniversary and another when James had been made Head Boy. The Potters were different, and Peter had only to mimic James in his fine dress robes as he picked through heaps of silverware and made what he hoped had been polite small talk with James' great aunt. James hadn't been invited to this party, and wouldn't have come if he had.

This was just a party, Marit had said, and she wanted him to take her, though she had performed a complicated bit of magic on them both so that he almost hadn't recognized his reflection. He'd become taller and nearly handsome, and she was quite pretty, especially in the dim light. The point was, however, that she was embarrassed of him, at least in front of her rich, pureblood, Slytherin friends, and he couldn't quite forget that as they stood in the middle of an enormous ballroom lit by fairy lights and floating candles making awkward conversation. He'd spent most of the evening planning how he would break up with her on her doorstep once he took her home, striking before she decided she was through with him. It wasn't like he was in love with her, not like James loved Lily, and it would be easier this way since Sirius hated her, which meant James and Lily wouldn't double date with them so they went out alone or with her friends, who were dull as the tomb.

It was late, and they'd been there for hours, before someone finally put on some music. Catarina and the Charmers belted out a lively version of "Lift Your Wand and Dance, Dance, Dance", and Peter took a step back from Marit, shaking his head because he didn't like to dance, not in public--and especially not disco, even after James and Sirius had tried to teach him and an equally reluctant Remus, though slow would have been all right. Marit rolled her eyes and took his hands, impatience with him in every line of her body as she began to dance the Hustle, her sparkly purple robes spinning up to show off her pretty legs.

"I'm going to find the loo," he shouted over the music, tugging his hands away more firmly, and she nodded once and then spun away. Her sister was near with her new boyfriend, a tall boy with long blond hair, and Marit began dancing with them, Peter already forgotten.

Peter watched them for a moment before he turned to weave his way through the crowd, moving through the ballroom and into a smaller maze of studies and lounges. He didn't recognize anyone but every now again got the impression that someone knew him--or rather, knew he hung out with James and Sirius. It made him stand a bit taller, as if they were at his side, and he walked with more purpose, as if he knew where he was going (he didn't) and what he was doing (that at least was clear--find a quiet place to floo or disapparate and leave). 

He couldn't find a floo, though, and quickly discovered that there were anti-apparition wards throughout the house, and had no clear memory which of a dozen hallways would lead him back out through the door they'd come in through. He was near giving up and heading back to the ballroom and Marit (at least then he could follow the truly awful music back to the dancers) when he came to a sweeping stairwell that looked at least vaguely familiar and let it carry him up to the next floor. He realized pretty quickly that he was wrong, that it had left him in what had to be the family's private living area, but before he could turn and flee, he finally saw someone he knew.

It always struck him as odd how very much alike yet different Regulus Black was from Sirius. It was in the movements more than anything else--how they walked and carried themselves, as if they owned the world, though Sirius did it with less conscious effort. Regulus was still handsome, too, with the same black hair (though trimmed short) and gray, intelligent eyes (though they never sparkled with any kind of mischief that Peter had ever seen) but his chin was less pronounce, his cheekbones less sharp. He never smiled, not like Sirius did, and even now he was scowling in Peter's direction.

"Pettigrew," Regulus bit out, and Peter jumped. He hadn't realized that Regulus even knew who he was though Peter could remember sharing a compartment on the Hogwart's Express with him the first time Regulus had come to school. "Lost?"

"No," Peter lied.

"Spying, then."

"Not likely. Why would I spy? I don't even know whose house this is."

"It's mine, of course, or at least it belongs to my family, and I don't remember you on the guest list."

"I came with Marit."

"She's still slumming then."

"Perhaps it's me whose slumming," Peter said, imperiously tipping up his chin as he'd seen Sirius do a thousand times before. Something about it made the corners of Regulus' lips tip up though he didn't smile outright and it felt menacing rather than welcoming.

"Did my brother send you?"

"I'm really not here to spy on you or anyone else, and I would gladly leave if I could find the way out."

"You are lost, then, and a liar."

"I'm not."

"I don't know how my brother stands the sight of you, though he's always reveled in low connections."

"He wasn't the one talking with Fenrir Grayback." Surprise registered on Regulus' face before it turned into something else--calculated. Ugly. For the first time, Peter felt truly afraid for a moment and wished he hadn't reminded Regulus of that day--of his part or of Remus. He had no doubt that Sirius would be furious if he heard of it. As it was, Peter took a step back toward the staircase, meaning to scurry back the way he'd come.

"You have been listening at doors, haven't you," Regulus said as he slid his hands into the pockets of his robes but thankfully didn't withdraw his wand. "Best not to repeat it, Pettigrew, especially not to my brother."

"I didn't hear anything, honestly."

"Exactly. Down the stairs and to your right. The house elf will show you the way out." 

Peter turned and nearly tripped over an ugly little house elf who seized him by his wrist and nearly dragged him from the house. The door slammed behind him as soon as he was through it, and Peter took in a gulp of the cold night air, turning to make sure he was truly alone. He found he was and that the house had sagged back into a derelict shack, all signs of the party gone. For a moment he thought he should apparate straight back to the the Potters and tell James what happened but as he rehearsed his lines, it sounded ridiculous. He hadn't overheard anything. He had nothing to report other than Regulus was just as mad as Sirius sometimes was, just as peculiar and paranoid. Instead, he turned on the spot and landed in his own room, shaking off Marit's strange magic and collapsing some time later in his own bed.

It was still dark when he woke up to the sound of James' owl rapping at his window pane. He pushed it open and Aether rushed in, a letter hastily tied to its leg. _Are you safe?_ it ran in James' scrawl and Peter fumbled for a quill, answering _yes_ before sending the bird back on her way. It wasn't until later, when he was more awake, that he began to think it curious but then it was Christmas and easily pushed from his mind.

Downstairs, he found his mum in the sitting room, her smoky grey cat wending its way between her legs as she sat smoking. Her head was tipped back and she had a flannel over her eyes, hungover no doubt. 

"Is there tea?" Peter asked, and his mum flinched but said nothing, her mouth a grim line. "I'll make some then, shall I?"

Peter put a cup of tea at his mother's elbow and a slice of toast from his own plate of baked beans and eggs, the only meal he could cook on his own, and sat on the opposite end of the couch to eat. The lights on their tiny Christmas tree flickered weakly, the spell weak as his mother never bothered with real fairies. There were four packages tucked beneath it, three from James, Remus, and Sirius, Peter knew because he'd put them there himself when he'd first come home a few days ago. "Is that mine?" He asked, pointing when his mum opened her eyes.

"It's not much," she said wearily. "I didn't have time what with everything going on."

Peter retrieved his small pile of presents and retreated back to his place on the couch. What was going on, he knew, was that his step-father had left with the bar maid, a squib, and took everything that had been in their Gringotts' account, leaving only his debt behind. The pub would be sold, and Peter wasn't sad about it. 

"It's all right," he said, turning the clumsily wrapped gift over in his hands. It was soft, so likely a shirt, and he put it aside.

"Did you have fun last night with Marit? Isn't that her name? I didn't hear you come in. Such a lovely girl." His mother pulled the flannel from her eyes and smiled in her slow, flighty way. Her eyes were blood shot and she swiped at them before patting at her thin, blonde hair. "She reminds me of that girl your brother used to date when he was in his last year. What was her name?"

"Kindred," Peter supplied absently as he picked up another poorly wrapped gift and read its card, _Peter from Sirius_. He was surprised to find a wallet inside, iridescent green dragon skin and really nice. He was even more surprised to find a voucher inside for Gladrags.

"Kindred, yes," his mother continued on in a drowsy voice. "I thought maybe he would marry her and settle down but of course there were so many girls interested in him, do you remember, Peter? He's so handsome and smart..."

His mother continued on and Peter mostly blocked her out, sometimes humming out an answer when she seemed to require one. His brother was a favorite topic at any time but particularly when his mum was feeling down. He wanted to ask if she had once heard from him for anything other than more money since he left-- _ran away_ , his mind supplied. James wouldn't have left, Peter thought, and then remembered again the strange note he'd received in the early morning hours and the even stranger conversation he'd overheard the night before.

"Has the paper come?" He asked, cutting across her monologue.

"It's just there," she said, waving her hand toward the floor with the paper lay discarded in pieces.

The headline was three inches high, _19 Killed in Overnight Raids and Dozens Injured_ , with a picture of a burning house over which wavered a strange green sign in the sky. Peter opened the page beyond the fold and read further, recognizing the name of one of the boys Remus tutored, one of a group of first years who followed him about like ducklings, and then another--a girl who had been in their Charms class two years ago, a Hufflepuff who had a laugh like tiny bells.

"Did you see this?" He asked his mum, turning the paper toward her.

"You're safe, Peter. It's not purebloods who have to worry."

"How can you be sure? My father--"

"You're father will protect you."

"He doesn't even know me."

"Of course he knows you." His mother sat up and shook the paper at him before dropping it back on the floor. "I promised I would never tell even you who he is but that doesn't mean I'm some kind of muggle whore--"

"I didn't mean--"

"He's promised to protect you as long as you stay out of it, and you will too--both my boys will. The Potters can't do that much by you no matter how much their son has been your friend."

"But mum--"

She stood and cupped his cheek with his clammy hand, her smile vague and her eyes gone watery. "After you leave school, he's promised to find you a job in the Ministry, and he'll get us a nice flat in London, I'll see to that. It'll just be the two of us until it's safe for your brother to come back."

"Is is quite so dangerous for him, do you think?" Peter asked as he sat turning James' unwrapped gift to him over in his hands.

"Of course, dear. He's quite important, not even able to tell his own mum all he did."

Peter let the sound of his mum's voice wash over him as she went on and on about his brother, his thoughts turning to this new information about his father. He found he didn't care--couldn't, it'd been so long that he couldn't care about a man he'd never met. He almost didn't believe her anyway. Instead, he picked up the paper and read it over again--nineteen murdered, just the beginning, it said, and he wondered _the beginning of what_?


	10. December 25

The last time Sirius had been sent to Professor Dumbledore's office, it'd been the worst day of his life. At least on that occasion, James had been at his side though it hadn't alleviated his worry over Remus, who lay fighting for his life in the infirmary. His skin had still tingled after James' hurried _Scourgify_ had rid him of the worst of the blood on his clothes before the moving staircase had carried them to the polished door and admittance into the office. Professor Dumbledore had offered them tea and quietly healed the cuts Sirius had made on his own hands, not asking any questions. It'd been a singular visit, comforting and unnerving at the same time. Dumbledore had merely commented on the very fine weather they'd been having, and inquired after James' mother and father--wondered about the next Quidditch season. Sirius had spent the quiet half-hour expecting to be expelled at any moment for using dark magic, and instead had gone away with his pockets stuffed full of candies and reassurances that Remus was strong and healthy, and likely to recover fully from his "accident."

James wasn't here this time, having gone home for the holidays, though reluctantly and only at his mother's insistence. She'd wanted all the boys to come stay with them in their rambling house in Godric's Hollow, but the full moon on Christmas night prevented Remus from traveling, and Sirius wouldn't leave Remus. In the end, James had gone home by himself but had sent loads of messages by his owl, Aether, including a rather cryptic one late last night (or early this morning, depending on how you looked at it) that said only, _Pete and Lily are fine. More soon. --Prongs_

Nothing more had come despite a rather insistent return owl of his own demanding an explanation. Instead, as he was returning to Gryffindor tower with a tray laden with food meant to tempt Remus' appetite, he'd been waylaid by Professor McGonagall, who had promised to deliver the tray herself as Sirius was wanted immediately by Professor Dumbledore. He'd protested but half-heartedly, and rather wickedly, actually, because he liked getting that tiny rise out of his favorite professor, though she'd only flicked her wand at the tray and rather sternly pointed him down the hall.

Professor Dumbledore met Sirius at the bottom of the stairs, his face a grave mask of concern as he spoke quietly with Professor Sprout. He waved Sirius upstairs, urging Sirius to make himself at home while he finished up his conversation, and Sirius stepped onto the moving steps by himself. Alone, he did what he didn't have the mind for on his last visit: he paced about the large circular room to look at the rather spectacular view of the mountains, poked at Fawkes where he sat on his golden perch behind the door, and inspected a particularly curious decalhydralon that whirled on its base, emitting little puffs of smoke at regular intervals. He reached out a cautious finger to nudge one of the tiny silver bells that hung from its base when a drawling voice startled him.

"You were taught better manners than to touch what didn't belong to you."

Sirius straightened and turned toward the desk to find the owner of the strangely familiar voice, and scowled when he found it came from the portrait of his great-great-grandfather. "Wotcher Phineas Nigellus."

"Impertinent boy."

"You're looking rather dusty," Sirius said as he came closer to drag his finger along the bottom of Phineas Nigellus' intricately carved gold frame.

"As a matter of fact, my frame was polished just this morning," Phineas Nigelllus replied rather stiffly, tugging at the lace around his cuffs.

Sirius leaned closer, his head tipped to the side as he searched for and found the family resemblance--the same jet black hair, though Phineas Nigellus' was done up in rather elaborate curls that must have been old fashioned even when the portrait had been painted, and the same grey eyes. He supposed they had the same nose, too, though it wasn't a close resemblance. His grandfather looked more like Regulus, Sirius thought, with his weak chin and perpetually sour expression. "I don't suppose you've seen my brother this morning," he said, the thought of his Regulus suddenly reminding him of James' hastily scrawled morning owl.

"As a matter of fact, I have. I gave him a stern admonition for coming in so late and disturbing me in my frame. In my day--"

"Never mind that. I suppose he was a right swot and gave you a proper apology."

"Of course. Unlike--"

"And an explanation?" Sirius interrupted.

"I hardly required one once he showed his quality."

"Of course," Sirius mimicked Phineas Nigellus' tone, lifting his chin in dismissal. He laughed out loud as Phineas Nigellus blustered, the long black feather in his painted hat shuddering as he shook his head.

"You could stand to take some lessons from your brother, young man," Phineas Nigellus finally spluttered in his high, nasal voice. "So often your mother has lamented to me the deep shame of your betrayal--"

All the laughter fell from Sirius and he hunched his shoulders against the mention of his mother, jamming his hands deep into his pockets. "I don't want to talk about her."

"Of course you don't. You would much rather wallow in your own self-pity. I well remember the day you stormed from Grimmauld Place, the birthplace of your ancestors. You were in tears then--"

"Wasn't."

"You were a sniveling, cowardly mess, dragging your trunk behind you in the dark of night, stealing away like a thief." His grandfather sounded jovial at the memory but it made Sirius shake with rage as he remembered that summer--the long nights locked in his room, the pain of the punishments as his parents decided that he would submit to their will by reason or force, and then finally, when nothing else seemed to break him, the threats against his real family, James and Remus.

"I left," Sirius said, his voice raising as he took another step toward the painting, "because your grandson performed an unforgiveable curse upon me."

"Unforgiveable," Phineas Nigellus spat. "Namby-pamby Ministry talk. In my day it was called discipline. Children respected their elders. Now you've rended your family asunder for what? To connive with that traitorous Potter boy? And Merlin only knows what you get up to with the half--"

"Don't you dare say anything about Remus."

"Does it have a name? I had no idea one called such a--"

"That's enough, I believe, Phineas Nigellus."

Sirius jumped when Professor Dumbledore laid his hand on Sirius' shoulder, biting back his reply as his hand curled around the knife in his pocket. He'd never gotten along very well with the portraits of his ancestors, Phineas Nigullus in particular, but it made him feel stupid and gullible to be caught bickering with a painting by the headmaster.

"Oh, fine Albus. Nevermind me, but in my day I would have never tolerated--"

"Yes, I know Phineas. Do rest yourself," Professor Dumbledore said gently as he steered Sirius to one of the high-backed chairs in front of his desk. "Come along and sit, my dear boy. Tea?"

Sirius watched as Professor Dumbledore arranged the tea tray that appeared quite suddenly on the edge of his desk, giving Sirius a few moments, he realized, to compose himself. He sat on his shaking hands, not quite trusting himself to speak yet and wishing harder still that James was by his side. When he looked up again, he found that Phineas Nigellus was quite asleep, the feather on his hat fluttering with each soft snore. "I'm sorry, Professor," Sirius whispered after he took a sip from his teacup.

"No need for apologies. He's actually rather fond of you, I think." Professor Dumbledore ignored Sirius' sharp look as he place a handful of biscuits onto a small plate and passed it along to Sirius. "Don't look so surprised. That portrait hasn't been so roused in an age."

"Professor--"

"They are, after all, just paintings, Sirius. Nothing more than impressions. Now come, enjoy your tea and tell me how Remus gets on this morning."

Sirius cast another glance at the sleeping image of his ancestor before sighed and took up his cup again. "He didn't sleep well last night, never does but then-- I had a strange owl from James, sir, before dawn..."

"Ah, yes, I had one as well, though less strange for me, I believe. What did your message say, if I might ask?"

"Only that Lily and Peter were safe. He didn't bother to say from what, though, and I haven't heard from him today at all. Do you know what he meant?"

"I do, and I'm afraid the news isn't good." Professor Dumbledore pushed away his cup and untouched plate of biscuits as he folded his hands on his desk. "There was an attack over night. Two of Hogwarts' students were injured. One--a boy named Jack Wentworth--was murdered."

"Jack? He was one of Remus' boys. He'll be devastated."

"I thought in this case, and James agrees with me, that it might be best if we didn't tell him until tomorrow."

Sirius folded his arms over his chest and bit on his lip. He hated the thought of Remus ever finding out, knowing too well the way Remus' shoulders would stiffen, his mouth flattening out as if bracing himself for a blow--and it would be. Remus was convinced that the only students he would ever be allowed to teach were these at Hogwarts, and he put all his efforts into doing it well. The children (as Sirius thought of them, mostly first and second year students who seemed so tiny to him now, smaller, he was sure, than he had ever been at that age) followed Remus about, demanding a lot of his time and attention, and he gave it freely, earning their respect and admiration. To lose one like this, Sirius knew, would hurt Remus deeply.

"I think you're right," he whispered, understanding now why there'd not been another owl from James. "You said it was an attack..."

"You've heard the name Voldemort?"

Sirius nodded once, sharply.

"You've heard the whispers, then, about what he means to do?"

"They're more than just whispers in my family. Do you know who was involved?"

"I know some of the names."

"Regulus?"

Professor Dumbledore sat back in his chair, his fingers tented beneath his chin as he regarded Sirius from beneath bushy gray eyebrows though his face gave away nothing. Finally, after a long silence, he sighed and waved his hand toward the teapot, which began to refill both their cups. "I'm not sure I can give you news about your brother. You may be in a better position--"

"I'm not. We haven't spoken in months, not really at all since I left home."

"Still, he's your brother--"

"James is my brother," Sirius cut across Professor Dumbledore's words. He sat awkwardly in his chair for a moment, wanting to be back in the common room with Remus. He almost laughed at the thought that he didn't need Divinations to know where this conversation was going. "There'll be others--Snape, Mulciber, Travers. They'll have been involved. Were more killed other than Jack?"

"Many more, 19 in all, and more injured."

"And they'll be allowed back in, the Slytherins."

"We don't know for sure that they were involved, Sirius. As long as there is no proof, then yes, they'll be allowed to come back to Hogwarts." Professor Dumbledore piled sugar into his cup, carefully stirring so as not to crash the spoon into the cup's delicate china edge. "If they're shown compassion, there may yet be a chance to change their course."

Sirius grunted out a harsh, humourless laugh, shifting in his chair again when Professor Dumbledore's eyebrows climbed. "It's too late for that," Sirius said. "Regulus has already been marked. Remus saw it on him last spring."

"It's never too late for someone to change if they wish it. Perhaps, if you spoke with Regulus...appealed to him as a brother."

"It's too late for that, as well."

"This is important, Sirius. In time, you'll come to understand just how important it could be. Jack wasn't the first to die, and he won't be the last. We have to take every chance we have to stop it, no matter how hopeless it may seem," Professor Dumbledore said as he leaned forward on his elbows. His half-moon glasses glinted in the light, and Sirius fidgeted in his chair, wishing once more that James--who always seemed to know what to say--were with him. He nodded rather reluctantly, and as soon as that battle was apparently won, Professor Dumbledore's mood changed and he began to ramble about the holidays and the feast that was yet to come. Sirius' thoughts were too occupied for him to answer with more than monosyllabic grunts to show he was listening, and he escaped as soon as his cup was empty once more.

Back in the Gryffindor common room, Sirius found Remus on the couch beneath a pile of blankets in front of the fire. He was asleep, his head pillowed on his hands. He made a tiny whuffing sound that wasn't quite a snore that Sirius found strangely endearing. Sirius sat on the floor to watch him, glad he didn't have to disturb him with the news that Professor Dumbledore had shared but he couldn't stop thinking about everything that had happened.

When they'd been boys, Regulus had followed Sirius like a shadow, one that had dissolved like smoke the moment Regulus had been sorted into Slytherin. Sirius felt as though Regulus had turned his back on Sirius and over the years, the gulf between them had widened. Sirius couldn't imagine a conversation between them that wouldn't end in a duel, especially after what had happened to Remus when Remus had found the werewolf Fenrir with Regulus. Sirius pushed it firmly from his mind, knowing it wouldn't matter until after the holidays, especially since they both had enough to worry about with that night's full, the longest of the year.

As if sensing his thoughts, Remus' eyes fluttered open, his smile soft and sleepy until it was split by a yawn. "You're back. You made me have tea with Professor McGonagall," his voice filled with accusations.  

"Minerva likes you. She practically begged me, and who am I to deny her the pleasure of your company, especially at Christmas."  

"She made me drink broth and have a slice of dry toast with hardly any butter on it and no jam."

  "Then I'm glad she came. I wouldn't have had better luck, with or without jam."  

"She left me a book, too."  

"You like books."

  "She wants me to write an essay on it."

  "I suspect you like writing essays, too."  

Remus studied Sirius for a moment, his mouth pulled into a frown but his eyes were bright. "You're being purposely obstinate."

"I was thinking the same about you."

"Where were you?" Remus demanded  , reaching out to curl his hand into the soft fabric of Sirius' shirt. 

Sirius let himself be tugged forward. "Professor Dumbledore wanted to see me."  

"Then he found out you and James..."  

"No, not yet at least. How did you find out? That was meant to be a surprise."  

"Exploding toilets are not my idea of a surprise."  

"When you're well, you'll think it's a grand idea." Sirius pushed Remus' overlong fringe from his eyes. "I'm cutting this when you're feeling better."

  Remus tried to duck his head away from Sirius' appraising glance but manage only to push against him like a cat looking for attention. "Why did he want to see you?" He asked, clearly not willing to let Sirius distract him too much. "Did it have to do with James' owl last night?"

  "I thought you were asleep."  

"There was a draft when you opened the window and I saw it was Aether. I figured the two of you were plotting something. By the time you came back to bed, I was almost asleep again."  

"Professor Dumbledore wanted to ask me about Regulus," Sirius said carefully, not willing to lie outright.

  "Is he in trouble?"  

"Maybe," Sirius said evasively as he turned so that his back was against the low couch. Remus snaked his arm out from beneath his covers and wrapped it around Sirius' shoulders, and Sirius tipped his head back to look at Remus. "Yeah, I think he is. He wants me to talk to him."

  "Will you do it?"   Sirius shrugged. He still didn't believe it would do any good. "He buys into it, the importance of blood purity and the view of muggles as creatures rather than beings. More than that, mother believes the Blacks are practically royalty, that we have a divine right to rule. He probably thinks that if Voldemort--"

  Remus flinched at the name, his blunt nails digging into the Sirius' shoulder. "They have a leader, then."

  "Dumbledore thinks so. It doesn't matter. I'm sure my parents have convinced Regulus that he'll be able to take over the world. The little fool always believed anything my parents told him." Sirius sighed and closed his eyes for a few minutes, blindly closing his hand around Remus' thin wrist. He rubbed his cheek against the soft, nubby wool of the old cardigan Remus wore, knowing that it'd been Remus' father's, already threadbare when he'd began wearing it a few years ago. It smelled like Remus now, warm and comforting, a world away from the sort of trouble Regulus brought.

Sirius turned and leaned on his elbows over Remus. He forced a smile, the conversation over. "Will you eat another slice of toast if I get you some jam?"

"Later, maybe."

"You look tired."  

"I am."  

"Sleep then. Budge up." Sirius crawled onto the couch next to him and wrapped his arms around Remus, tucking him in against Sirius’ chest.   It wasn't long before he felt Remus relax in his arms, the soft whuffing sound sending warm breathes against his neck. It was harder to push away the thoughts of his brother and the trouble he'd found but Sirius was determined, at least for tonight, to find whatever peace he could. As Remus sighed, his hands seeking the warmth of Sirius' skin beneath his shirt, Sirius settled, closing his eyes and chasing after whatever dreams they could find together.


	11. January

As Lily stood on the stairs leading down to the Common Room, she scraped her fingers through the heavy curtain of her hair then let it drop, rolling her shoulders. It'd been a long day at the end of a long week, and she was exhausted. It was beginning to feel like there was nothing but classes, homework, her duties as Head Girl, and dealing with everything had happened over the holidays--with the fear of what was coming. These would be her last few months at Hogwarts and every time she thought about it, her stomach dropped a bit. For at least the last two years, she and her friends had made plans and exclaimed again and again that they couldn't wait to leave, to really begin their lives. It was exciting and terrifying all at the same time, especially since the holidays--both the good and the bad. Suddenly she didn't want this time to end, but it had to, she wanted these last few months to be good--and not just for herself, she thought as she watched James tumble through the portrait with Sirius, Remus, and Peter--and she was determined to make them so.

"You're late," she teased, crossing her arms over her chest as she took the next step down.

"Perpetually," James called back as he smiled broadly at her. He broke off from his friends and crossed over to Lily, reaching for her, and she went to him gladly. "Missed you."

"We see each other every day."

"In class and prefects' meetings. At meals sometimes," James whispered, his lips against her neck. "Not the same."

Lily smiled, and closed her eyes, overwhelmed in the best possible way. "Where were you four? Causing mischief? We've barely been back a week."

"Remus has a pet project. We're helping."

"Sirius?"

"What?"

"Is Sirius Remus' project?"

James laughed out loud, and Lily took a step back, seeing in his eyes that he remembered Lily knew Sirius spent at least part of his time as a rather large, shaggy dog. "Not that kind of pet," he said. "He's formed a kind of dueling club."

"Do I want to know?"

"Think of it as more private tutoring. He's always done that."

"Is that what it is?"

James shrugged, his line of sight sliding past her to watch Remus as he talked with a group of first years who swarmed around him. "More or less. He's teaching the younger kids how to protect themselves. Just his way of dealing with Jack's death."

Lily took a step back and hugged herself, nodding. She'd been fond of Jack, too. "And you're helping him."

James shrugged again, looking at her again. "Of course. We all are but we're free now. Is everything ready for tonight?"

"Have you talked to Sirius?"

"Not yet but he'll come if I ask. You just need to work on Remus. If I do it, he'll be suspicious."

"Already in hand," she said, and they both look at Remus again.

***

Remus knew something was up the moment he saw James and Lily with their heads together. It was different from their usual--less kissing, more whispering. They looked up at the same time, a trick that used to belong strictly to James and Sirius, Lily's smile only slightly less worrying than Sirius' had ever been. Remus half raised his hand, forcing his lips into a smile that felt more like a grimace--that definitely became a grimace as they both waved back. He fled up the stairs.

"James and Lily are plotting something," he announced to the room as he came through the door.

"I thought girls were supposed to be sweet," Peter said. He had his shirt off, and a towel around his neck. Remus could see a bruise blossoming on his pale shoulder from where he'd fallen after one of the second years finally learned the blocking spell Remus had been teaching them.

"Has Lily ever struck you as sweet?" Sirius asked. He was shirtless, too, and Remus watched him from beneath his lashes as Sirius toweled off his hair. There were still droplets of water clinging to his shoulders. Remus didn't notice as Peter left for his own shower until the door clicked closed again.

"She can be," Remus finally said, though quietly as he forced himself to look away.

"To you."

"She said she'd let you borrow her Charms essay."

"After she found out that I was letting you borrow mine."

"Can I borrow your black jumper?"

"You're changing the subject."

"Did it work?"

Sirius smiled and nodded, digging out the requested item. Remus caught it one handed. He turned away and began to tug on his tie and unbutton his shirt. He couldn't stop thinking about the drops of water on Sirius' shoulder.

"Are you going out?"

"Yeah. Lily set me up with someone."

"That explains it then, yeah?"

"Yeah, I suppose." 

"Who with?" The bed dipped under Sirius' weight just as Remus reached for the jumper again. He pulled it from beneath Sirius' leg and used it to swat at his arm. Sirius grabbed it, his reflexes not quite what James' were but the momentum was enough to knock Remus off balance. He put his hand on Sirius' shoulder to steady himself, holding his breath a bit when Sirius' hand caught his hip in the wide span of his palm.

"With who, Moony?"

"I didn't ask. It's just a favor."

"What if I said I didn't want you to go?"

"Are you saying that?"

"James is looking for you, Padfoot." Sirius jumped as Peter stuck his head back into the room, and Remus drew back his hand as if scalded. "And Lily said it was time to go, Remus. I thought we were being suspicious of her?"

"We are." Remus forced himself to smile at Peter before he disappeared back out into the hall to finally take his shower, Remus supposed, and he tugged the jumper from Sirius' hands. He put it on and ran his hands through his hair. Only when he was finished getting dressed did he dare to look at Sirius again. "Do I look all right?"

Sirius stood and smoothed his hands over Remus' hair, tugging at where it was just beginning to curl at his collar, and then over his shoulders and down his arms, his fingertips pressing lightly against the pulse in his wrists. He stared at Remus, his wide, gray eyes dark as storm clouds, and Remus felt his mouth go dry as he swayed slightly, pulled by some invisible (inevitable) force. "I won't go if you don't want me to," he said plainly--evenly--feeling no uncertainty, not like he had when he was younger. That was gone. 

"I want you to have fun, Moony. You deserve that." 

Sirius smiled, showing a line of straight, bright white teeth, and Remus wondered if it was normal that he wanted to lick them.

***

"Hey Lily?"

"Yeah."

"Do you love James?"

"Maybe." Lily lowered her head, her steps slowing a bit as she walked alongside Remus. "I guess I do."

"What does it feel like?"

"I don't know. Like I want him to be always near, and when he's not, I think about him all the time. You're not going to tell him are you?"

Remus laughed quietly, and curled his fingers around her hand, bumping his shoulder against her own. "I think he knows already."

"I suppose. Anyway, it feels maddening and glorious and terrifying all at once."

"Oh."

"You don't agree?"

"How would I know?" It took Remus two steps before he realized Lily wasn't walking with him anymore, and he tugged at her hand. Woe be to James, Remus thought, if he ever thought to keep secrets. But then James never had to. "Right. It doesn't matter if I know, then."

"Nonsense. Why not?"

"I'm too dangerous to love," he said quietly--flatly, looking around to make sure no one else could hear though they hadn't seen anyone since they'd left the main halls.

"Do you really believe that, Remus?"

"Of course I do. It's true. Besides, what would I have to offer anyone? N.E.W.T levels that will mean precisely nothing in six months time because I won't be allowed a job, a body covered in scars, and the only thing certain in my life that I'll likely die young. I'm quite the catch."

"Do you ever say these sort of things to Sirius?"

"Of course not. He'd hex me."

"What makes you so sure that I won't."

"You're too kind to me. Even when we were children, you never hit me with one of the curses you'd throw at James and Sirius. Not even accidentally."

"Your heart," Lily finally answered. She linked her arm through his and began to walk again. "Your loyalty, your devotion, and your strength and courage. You know you're loved already for those things, and more--your intelligence, your kindness, your rather wicked sense of humor. Those are the things he wants, what he loves about you. You are everything to him, and he wants nothing more."

"He told you that?"

"Of course not. He doesn't have to. A witch knows these things," she said as she tugged him forward up the final winding staircase that led to the top of the Astronomy tower. "And what's more, it's all the things you love in him as well, and more."

"I thought you despised divination," Remus said, but he was shaken because she was right--of course, she was right.

"I do--thoroughly. This is not that."

"No?"

"No. I've made a study, you see, and tonight the experiment only needs bearing out." Lily pushed open the door, using her shoulder when it stuck a bit, and grimaced when it scraped on the stone floor of the tower.

"Careful, Lily. We'll have Filch up here." James took aim at the door, his silencing charm muffling the noise. 

"Took care of him, too, or at least Alice did earlier. Has him down in the kitchens with a doxy infestation in the pantries. He'll be there for hours so we'll have most the night." 

"Most of the night for what?" Remus asked but he suspected he already knew. He looked to where Sirius leaned against the wall, smoking. This was his favor to James, Remus supposed.

"You two are having a date," Lily said brightly. "It's my best set-up to date, I think. Two of my closest friends. A perfect match, really. I hardly had to do any work at all."

"It was either this or lock you in a broom closet." James wrapped his arms around Lily's shoulders and pulled her close. "Which continues to be an option. Or veritiserum in your pumpkin juice, which is Peter's idea, but we've opted for this instead. For now."

"Though I happen to know where Slughorn has some that he's brewed to sell locked up in his office." Lily closed her hands over James and smiled rather wickedly. 

Remus vowed to watch his glass in the morning at breakfast. "He does that?"

"The point is, it would be really easy to get enough to make you both--"

"It's no secret that Black's interested," Remus said, cutting James off. Sirius made no other move than to flick the glowing ember of his cigarette from the tower. "So veritiserum might be overkill there."

"But I don't think Black knows how you feel."

"I keep trying to tell her that men don't talk about that shite but--" James bit off whatever else he was going to say the moment Lily's heel connected with the toe of his boot. "What I mean is that it's healthy to discuss your emotions, lads, and I highly recommend giving it a go. Frequently."

"I'm willing," Remus said to the air, looking up at the stars as if it didn't matter either way. Inside, his heart was beating out a tattoo that he was sure Sirius could hear by the way Sirius was staring at him. "Not the talking bit but-- The date. Always willing to do a favor for Lily."

"Right," Sirius said as he rubbed his palms on his jeans. "Right," he repeated.

***

Five minutes into a very awkward _first date_ , Sirius had had enough. He hadn't ever given much thought to it before, but he was quite sure it wouldn't have involved James, Lily, or a cold rooftop. He tapped the toe of his boot against Remus' and nodded his head toward the stairs. James and Lily were involved enough with each other that they didn't notice when Remus grabbed the half-bottle of wine and followed Sirius back inside. They didn't go far, just far enough that they likely wouldn't be found--the small cupboard under the stair near the owlery. 

"It's freezing in here," Remus complained as he got on his hands and knees and followed Sirius into the tiny space.

"Would you rather go back with Lily and James?"

"No."

"Then budge up."

"We're too big for this now."

"Quit complaining. Just--here. Lean against me. We'll both fit." Remus protested half-heartedly as Sirius pulled and tugged him into the dark cupboard until he was sitting between Sirius' legs, Sirius' arms wrapped tight around his shoulders. "There. Not too big. I haven't been here in ages."

"I still come sometimes," Remus admitted quietly.

"I know."

"How? It never made it onto the map."

"Padfoot doesn't need a map to find you, and I like knowing you're safe."

"I can take care of myself."

"I know, just--shut up, yeah? I like knowing you're safe," he repeated. He was feeling rather tetchy about the whole night--out of sorts in a way that had less to do with James' rushed confession moments before Lily and Remus had turned up, and more to do with... Sirius shook his head and settled his arms around Remus a bit more firmly. "If you're too cold we can find some place warmer."

"This is fine."

"I can probably do a-- Here." Sirius conjured a small ball of green flame that he let hover just above them, its weak light giving off even weaker heat, but almost enough to warm the space a bit. "Better?"

"It's fine, Pads."

"So, what do you usually do on these _favors_ for Lily?"

"I don't know. Nothing. What do you usually do on your dates?"

"I don't have dates."

"You've gone on dates."

"I think about you a lot."

"On your dates?"

"Yes. Which is why I don't have many of them. It's awkward. I think about how I'd rather be back in the room with you, and I get accused of being distracted and disinterested. Which I am because I'd rather just be with you."

"All right."

"Is that all? Is that all you have to say?"

"I like being with you, too?"

"So then we'll just be together?"

Remus let the silence drag out between them and Sirius held his breath until he felt Remus nod. 

"All right," Remus said, his voice sounding a bit tremulous. "For now at least."

"What do you mean for now?"

"I don't know. For now. For while we're at Hogwarts because I don't know what's going to happen after."

"So once we leave here, you're done with me?"

"I didn't say that. I said I didn't know what would happen."

"Then let's talk about it."

"I don't want to."

"Why won't you talk about it?"

"Because there's nothing to talk about, Sirius."

"So in June, the world ends?"

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe for me. Look, I don't want to talk about it because I have no future. I leave Hogwarts and the protection that Dumbledore has given me is gone. I'll have to register. I won't be able to get a job or a place to live, not in the wizarding world, at least, and attending Hogwarts hasn't exactly prepared me to live as a Muggle."

"What are you planning to do?"

"I don't know."

"You'll live with me," Sirius said. "I'll take care of you."

"Sirius, I don't--"

"You don't want me?"

"I wasn't going to say that."

"So, you do want me." Sirius whispered his words against the shell of Remus' ear, and Remus nodded. "James and I already talked about--"

"Of course you have."

"We won't let you just give up, and I won't let you walk away from me."

"I'm not. I wouldn't."

"You are. McGonagall said that you were planning a lonely path and you didn't want to tell me."

"What?"

"At Christmas. In the infirmary. McGonagall said--"

"Damn pad foot. I wasn't." Remus stopped and rubbed his hands over his face. "It's not-- That conversation was private."

"I know. I'm sorry," Sirius said, but didn't sound very sorry at all. "I didn't mean to hear it."

"It wasn't about you, Sirius. It was about my mum."

"Your mum? What about your mum?"

"She's getting worse. I mean, she's been bad since my dad died but she's getting worse. She's afraid of the Ministry and what little she's heard about the war. She's not right. Her sister wants to take her away but she won't go. She won't leave me. She thinks my dad is still alive but a prisoner. She writes Professor Dumbledore nearly everyday, afraid that they've come for me. She cries all the time."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There's nothing you could do. You can't fix it. Nobody can."

"Aren't there places--hospitals--where she could get help? Where maybe they'd find a cure."

Remus shook his head sadly. "Dumbledore sent a healer to visit her. There's nothing anyone can do. She's just-- She'd be better off if I had never been born."

"Don't say that."

"It's the truth. She's always been fragile, afraid for me and angry with my dad. When he died, I don't know. It's like she feels guilty for being mad at him. She thinks there's something wrong with her because of what happened to me. She--" Remus was silent for a long time, his hands shaking. "There are memory charms. That's part of Professor McGonagall was talking about. Professor Flitwick is allowing me a special study, not that he knows..."

"Knows what?"

"I want to erase my mum's memory."

"Remus--"

"It would be like I was never born. It won't cure her but maybe it would set her mind at ease and give her some peace."

"But--"

"She deserves that."

"And then what happens to you?"

"I'll be all right."

"And that's all?"

"It's enough to be going on for now," Remus said but his voice had turned hard.

Sirius clutched at Remus' shoulder, holder him closer. "I didn't mean-- I don't agree, about your mum. She loves you--"

"I know she does. I love her, too. That's why I have to do this."

"I know. I'm not arguing with you. I'll help you. Whatever you need, I'll always be there. Do you see that?"

"I know, Padfoot. I know you want to be."

"Not just that I want to, Remus. I have to be. You and James, you're everything--my family. But James is sorted, right? Him and Lily. You _need_ me, despite all your _I can take care of myself_. You need me. No one _ever_ needs me except you, which means that I need you, too. Does that makes sense?"

"Yeah. It does."

"So, do you promise you won't leave me behind?"

"I was never leaving you--"

"You would if you thought you were being noble, or some rubbish. But I need you to promise that you'll never leave me."

"I promise, but you're going to meet someone one day, Sirius, like James did with Lily, and I don't want you to--"

"I already have, you idiot. That's what I've been trying to say." Sirius held Remus close, and pressed his lips against Remus' neck, then his jaw. Remus turned as much as he could in the circle of Sirius' arms, to look at him in the gloom of the cupboard. There was a look in his eyes that made Sirius feel needed, wanted, and more importantly, more elusively, loved. It went straight through Sirius, flopping in his stomach and wobbling in his knees, his toes curling in his boots--and he could tell by the way Remus reached for him (to steady himself, to seek the comfort that Sirius had always and would always offer), that he felt the same.

They shifted, twisting elbows and knees to find a better angle, the back of Remus' hand grazing the soft flesh of Sirius' wrist before Remus slid his cold, long fingers just beneath the hem of Sirius' jumper, and Sirius curled his palm over Remus' hip, his worn denims soft to the touch. This close, Sirius was more aware of the difference in their heights, of the pale, nearly translucent skin beneath Remus' eyes and the freckles sprinkled over his nose, of how he smelled (faintly of tea and milk, of magic and the forest at midnight).

Sirius moved his hand to press his fingertips along the boney protusions that made up Remus' spine, sliding across a thick scar he knew was there before his fingers found it because he already knew Remus' body by heart--had already mapped it, claimed it if not like this (his other hand sliding along Remus' neck as Remus watched his lips through half-lidded eyes like a man starved) then in every other way: through loyalty and friendship, through devotion. He kissed Remus then, tasted him, made a really embarrassing sound between a whimper and a moan when Remus slid his hand onto the back of Sirius' head and pulled him closer. It didn't take him long to decide that kissing Remus Lupin was the best thing he'd learned how to do in seven years at Hogwarts, but then he'd known that since he was 15 and had stolen their first kiss.

They spent hours snogging in the cramped cupboard, finishing the half empty bottle of 3 Witches Brew they'd lifted from James and Lily, and cuddling (actually _cuddling_ , not because Remus was frightened and in pain but because they'd wanted to and it was the best way to discover all the secret places that Sirius' diligent reconnoitering had failed to discover even after years of careful observation), before they stumbled back to the Common Room. They stood close, warming themselves in front of the fire, still kissing and touching one another, and Sirius didn't want the night to end because he was afraid that tomorrow Remus would have a reason why it shouldn't have happened at all. 

For now though, Remus had tucked his cold hands into the back pockets of Sirius' jeans, and was doing something incredibly interesting to Sirius' neck with his tongue and teeth. Sirius closed his eyes and hummed out his pleasure, almost missing when Remus whispered against his skin. He didn't miss it when Remus leaned back, catching Sirius' chin between his fingers.

"You're not listening to me at all, are you?"

"Of course I am. What did you say?"

"Are we going to tell James and Lily?"

"Not yet." Sirius suspected he wouldn't need to, that James would read it on his face over his soft boiled egg and toast soldiers, but wanted to have this just for themselves for as long as he could manage it. Sirius touched his fingers to his lips and smiled, excitement welling up like bubbles in his chest. "Let's not say anything yet. You know he'll take all the credit."

"We don't want that."

"Of course, we don't. His head is big enough as it is. Besides," Sirius said as he pulled Remus close, "I haven't played a good prank on him in ages."

"You are evil."

"Just one of the things you love about me." 

"One of many," Remus whispered against Sirius' neck, and Sirius clutched at him tighter. "I suppose we should go to bed."

"Not yet. Let's just..." Sirius pulled Remus to sit on the long, low couch nearest the fire and stretched out next to him. "It's all right, Remus, isn't it?"

"Is what all right?"

Sirius pushed his fingers through Remus' hair and then stroked his fingertips over Remus' cheek and chin, outlining his lips before he pressed a gentle kiss against them. "Us."

"Of course it is. A disowned heir to a fortune and a pureblood legacy and a penniless werewolf. What's not to be right?"

"You know I don't care about any of that."

"I know."

"And you won't change your mind tomorrow?"

"No."

"Even when James--"

"James has known for ages, hasn't he."

"Then, even when Peter knows? Or anyone else?"

"Are you planning to shout it from the Astronomy Tower?"

"I might."

"I'm not going to change my mind."

"So, it's all right, Remus?"

"It's all right," Remus said, as he settled onto his back, pulling Sirius along with him. Sirius went gladly, resting his head on Remus' chest. He listened to the steady rhythm of Remus' heartbeat as Remus carded his fingers through Sirius' hair, until they both drifted off to sleep.


	12. February 14, 1978

The air in the girls' dormitory in Gryffindor Tower was frigid, just like the rest of the castle, a winter storm having settled over the mountains, and Lily shivered, dreading having to leave her bed, where she had retreated after classes. There was to be a special feast for dinner, as there was every year for Valentine's, but this year was different for her. This year would be the first with James, and she hadn't said that out loud to anyone because it made her feel stupid and sentimental. She'd always hated Valentine's before, particularly because James and his friends always planned some ridiculous prank. He'd promised not this year, and so far had been true to his word, but just because she thought he was a good (excellent) kisser didn't mean she trusted him any further than she could hex him.

Alice was already getting dressed, and Lily watched as she carefully smoothed down her thick brown hair, frowning at herself in the mirror.

"What's wrong, Alice?"

"My nose."

"Your nose is adorable."

"Says the girl with the lovely, straight nose. I hate mine." Alice pressed the tip of her finger to the end of her button nose and crossed her eyes to make Lily laugh before she went back to combing her hair. When she was done, she turned to grab her cloak from the end of her bed, already heading toward the door. "It'll have to do."

"More than. You look really pretty."

Alice made a face but she was smiling. "Thank you. Are you going down to dinner, or have you convinced James to bring you something back?"

"I'm coming." Lily dragged herself up, pushing back her warm quilt, and sat at the edge of her bed to straighten her stockings. "But don't wait if Frank is waiting for you. You'll not be out late will you?"

"I won't be alone."

Lily nodded, acknowledging that _that_ was all she had been worried about. "What about--"

She'd been about to ask about their fellow roommates, Iana and Sabine, when the other girls tumbled into the room, giggling. They stopped as soon as they saw Lily, trading looks and smirks so that Lily knew she'd likely been the target of their gossip. It didn't bother her as much as she thought maybe it should.

The friendship between the roommates had been a bit strained since the holidays after Sabine had confided in Lily that she really had fancied Remus quite a bit, though Lily didn't believe her (not really because Sabine never dated anyone for long and she had been looking at a sixth year Hufflepuff long before Remus broke it off), and that the real reason she had ended things with Remus had been that he had called out Sirius' name whilst snogging her. 

While Lily didn't doubt Remus' feelings for Sirius, she had more faith in his discretion. Even drunk he was usually so self-contained that she couldn't see him making such a confession to Sabine of all witches. Lily thought it more likely that Sabine was angry that Remus had ended it with her after a few dates (his reason being that Sabine wasn't serious about her schoolwork, or his, and not, he promised, because Sirius hadn't thought her good enough though she certainly had her doubts about the real cause). Lily didn't care either way, and had dressed Sabine down, extracting a promise from her that she wouldn't say anything more about it, leaving off the lecture about solidarity amongst Gryffindors that had been building in her mind for weeks after. She'd heard nothing more about it, and knew that Sabine had kept her promise, and even the jokes about Matthew and Remus had tapered off, except from the Slytherins, who didn't bear listening to anyway. 

Still, she felt a distance between herself and Sabine, and Iana by default since she was Sabine's best friend, and it was easy to place the blame on something other than what she was afraid it would turn out to be--growing up and apart. Away. Lily shivered, rubbing her hands over her arms as she reached for her jumper and tugged it over her head. Sliding off the bed, she found her shoes and made her way over to the mirror to comb her own hair as Alice silently slid from the room.

In the reflection, she could see Sabine and Iana share another look before Sabine followed behind Alice, softly calling to her before the door shut and left the room quiet. 

"Peter told me that James is going to ask you to marry him tonight, Lils."

Lily looked over her shoulder to where Iana sat on her bed, barefoot with her knees pulled up to her chest. Lily smiled at her before turning back to the mirror. "He asks once a week at least and has done for years. I don't know why tonight would be any different."

"It's Valentines."

"He's got a match in four days against Hufflepuff. I promise you he's more concerned about winning that than about marrying me."

"That's not what Peter said and he's usually reliable about things like this."

"You mean he's a gossip." Lily lowered her head and began twisting her hair into a braid, thinking for the hundredth time that she might just vanish it all off. She could imagine the look on her mother's face, or better, Petunia's. 

"Well yeah. He's also how I found out that Sirius is off the market, supposedly for real this time."

Lily stopped the movement of her hands, glancing back up to Iana reflected in the mirror. "What did he say?"

"Nothing really. Well, he hinted at lots but those boys are ridiculous anyway." Iana was watching Lily back, and Lily was careful to make sure she showed nothing. "I mean, if any of them did half the things they said they did, they wouldn't have time to get top grades _and_ pull pranks _and_ play Quidditch."

"So what makes you think Sirius has time to date someone steady?"

"James does, and besides, it was the way Peter said it. I think it's serious. I mean, I think Sirius is serious." Iana laughed at her own joke and scooted off the bed to join Lily by the mirror, undoing all the work on the braid, ignoring when Lily rolled her eyes, before she nudged Lily out of the way and began on her own hair. "Wear it down, Lily. It's prettiest that way."

Lily sighed and shook her head, shook out the rest of the braid. She watched Iana preen for a minute, remembering quite suddenly when they'd both been in second year and more interested in writing songs for the band they were going to start than in boys. They'd had a name and everything. Lily even thinks she still had their old notebooks somewhere buried at the bottom of her closet at home. Stepping closer, Lily smoothed the comb through Iana's hair, smiling when Iana let her. 

"Are you heartbroken?" Lily asked for a while, watching Iana struggle for a second to remember what they'd been talking about.

"About Sirius?" She finally asked and Lily nodded. "I didn't want to date him, not again. I would have slept with him, though."

"Iana!"

Iana laughed again, high and clear, taking the comb from Lily's hand and making a clean part down the middle of her head. "I would have Lily. He's so sexy. I even offered once at a party when we were both a little drunk."

"You didn't!"

"Don't be such a prude. I know you've slept with James."

Lily could feel her cheeks heating up at the sly way Iana looked at her but didn't answer. It was true but she hadn't told anyone, not even Alice. "What did Sirius say?" she finally asked.

"Sorry, darling," Iana said in a husky voice, imitating Sirius and leaning in close to Lily. "I promised my mum I'd stay a virgin until after the wedding night."

"He didn't."

"He did, all low like that against my ear. I'd have fucked him right there."

"Iana!"

Iana laughed and turned away, pulling off her school jumper and digging in trunk for something else to wear. When she came up with a fuzzy pink sweater, she slipped it over head and smoothed her hands over her hair before turning back to the mirror. "C'mon Lily. Tell me how James was."

"No." Lily turned away, reaching for her cloak and pulling it around her shoulders.

"So you did sleep with him."

"I didn't say that."

"I would."

"Don't even think about it."

"I wouldn't. Well, I'd think about it but it wouldn't matter, would it. He'd never look at me or any other girl twice, which brings me back to my original question."

"I didn't know there was a question in there."

"Are you going to say yes?"

"Don't be ridiculous. It's _seventh year_ , Iana. There are more important things to worry about than whether or not I become Mrs. James Potter by the end of it."

"Like what?" Iana asked, looking honestly perplexed.

"Like getting through N.E.W.T.s for one."

"You don't have to worry about that, not really. You know this stuff."

"I do worry anyways."

"You would. What about after?

"After what?" Lily asked, though she knew exactly what Iana was asking.

"After we leave Hogwarts. You'll marry him then."

"I don't know. I haven't really thought about it," she said, trying and failing to sound off-hand. She had thought about it, frequently. She'd thought about what it would be like if she went off to university like her dad wanted her to and James entered the Auror's program, like he was sure to. Or if they would live together in London, like James wanted, the only question she had thought him actually serious about, maybe in a tiny flat somewhere with his friends apparating in constantly as she expected would happen. That thought hadn't bothered her at all; in fact, it had quite warmed her, knowing they'd be close. Knowing that Alice was likely to be in the Auror's program, too, with Frank, and that they'd knock about, seeing plays and going to concerts. Fighting a war that was sure to come.

Lily shivered again, realizing suddenly that Iana had been talking and she hadn't heard any of it, not really.

"You know he's the type to be married."

"Who?" Lily asked, knowing that Iana was likely still on about James.

Iana looked over her shoulder and rolled her eyes. "James, of course. That was absolute rubbish what Sirius said. He'd never settle down with just one person."

"You don't think so?"

"No. James definitely. Peter wants to, too. He asked me out but there's no way. I told him I'd set him up with Amelia Bones in Hufflepuff instead, but he said no. I don't know why not. She's not very pretty but she'd be good enough for him."

"Iana." Lily kept her voice gentle but still chiding, for Peter or Amelia's sake, she wasn't sure. Both, probably. She didn't know Amelia well but she knew Peter, knew he was loyal and funny and, most importantly, James' friend, and so hers, too.

"You know what I mean, Lily," Iana said, undeterred. "Sirius is gorgeous and shall forever remain single as a gift to women everywhere. It's not fair that one of us should possess him, I suppose. Merlin's gift, isn't he."

"He certainly used to think so."

"I saw him without his shirt the other day, mostly by accident. He's amazing."

"You are ridiculous."

"And then there's Remus."

"What about him?"

"I don't know." Iana was back to talking to her reflection in the mirror but Lily could tell that Iana was waiting for something--some reaction. Lily was determined once again not to give it to her. "I heard some rumors."

"From Peter?"

"No. He won't talk about Remus at all, which is really strange because he'll tell me anything about Sirius or James, down to what they wear, or don't, beneath their uniforms."

"So where did you hear rumors about him?" Lily asked, studiously ignoring the bait about James though she suspected that was Iana's purpose when the other girl turned slowly, shrugging before she grabbed her own cloak and put it around her shoulders.

"Around."

"The portraits? The ghosts? Fourth year Slytherins? Who?"

"Why do you care?"

"He's my friend, and I want to know."

"Will you tell me if they're true if I tell you?"

"Maybe."

"All right, though I know you're lying. I mean, it wasn't like his dating Matt McKinnon was a secret so everyone knows what he is."

"And what's that?" Lily asked, trembling now slightly with fear, hoping that Iana's thoughts were miles away from where Lily's had involuntarily gone--to full moons and pain. Even the business with Matt was safer ground. Muggle society may not approve but the wizarding world was less judgmental about that sort of thing, or at least they were more concerned with blood lines than anything else.

Iana shrugged again.

"He's always been a good friend to you," Lily reminded her, her mouth dry. She was suddenly tired of the conversation and tempted by what she knew Sirius' response to it would have been the moment Remus' name was brought up.

"Don't look at me like that. I don't mean it bad, Lily. Everyone _likes_ Remus, don't they? Everyone except the Slytherins and they don't like anyone. Everyone _likes_ him--I _like_ him--but everyone is saying that he has a thing for Sirius."

"Oh, is that all?" Lily was the one to laugh this time, though the sound was brittle to her own ears, and left a sour taste in her mouth. She was eager, just as suddenly, to be with James, Sirius, and Remus, even if they were planning to pull one of their stupid Valentine's pranks. She hoped they would, actually, though they (or rather, James) had promised they wouldn't. She hoped they'd let her help. "Maybe Sirius has a thing for Remus," she finally said, going for off-hand and missing the mark by miles, hitting flippant squarely instead. 

"Does he?" Iana looked eager and bright-eyed for half a second before deflating. "No, he doesn't."

"Why not?"

"Because he's Sirius Black," Iana said but she was measuring Lily's reaction again, and again Lily fought not to give her one.

"Maybe there's more to him than strong thighs around a broomstick and a pretty smile."

"I'd be really disappointed if there were."

"No, you wouldn't."

"Why are you defending him, anyway? I can understand Remus. You've always had a soft spot for him, even before James."

"He's--"

"I know, but what about Sirius? Everyone says--"

"Not with _everyone_ again," Lily said, walking toward the door but stopping when Iana grabbed her arm.

"Not everyone, but enough people, okay? Look, Sabine wanted me to say that stuff about Remus, all right? To wind you up, and I thought it was funny. It's not-- I don't care who he dates."

"All right."

"But what about Sirius, Lily. You never liked him, and all of sudden you're defending him."

"I have. I do, and it's not _all of a sudden_. He's--"

"He's what his family made him."

"Iana--"

"No, he's gorgeous, yeah? But I just said that stuff earlier to wind you up, just like the stuff about Remus. Sabine and I were talking about it--"

"This ought to be interesting then."

"We just-- We wanted to warn you. Everyone--I know, Lily," she said, tugging on Lily's arm again when Lily made to leave. "Listen, his brother is bad. The things they say about him, about the things he's does--black magic, really dark stuff. Everyone says that once we leave here that things are going to change."

"They already have, Iana."

"I know. I just want you to be careful. James won't see it, yeah? About Sirius."

"Because there's nothing to see."

"Okay. Listen Lily. We were friends--"

"We still are."

"Everything's changing."

"I know, but we can't let it change who we are."

Iana lowered her eyes and bit at her lip before she could bring herself to look at Lily again. This time when she raised her eyes, she looked less like the girl she'd become over the last few months--closed off and too old for 17--and more like the girl who'd penned lyrics with Lily while listening to Beatles' records and drawing hearts around Ringo's name. "Is that what James says?" 

Lily smiled and tipped her head, conceding the point and taking it a bit further. "It's what Dumbledore has taught him, and I trust Dumbledore. And James."

"And Sirius Black."

Lily nodded and smiled, sliding her arm through Iana's and leading her from the room and toward dinner.

Everything had changed, and would change, she knew that. She hated seeing it in her friends, the distrust and suspicion that had spread through the school since the attack during the holidays. She hated it though she understood it, understood where it came from. 

In the Great Hall, she finally released Iana after pressing a kiss to her cheek to let Iana know she was forgiven--that Lily wasn't holding a grudge even though they hadn't really fought. It still felt right, like the right thing to do--and watched as Iana bypassed the seat Sabine had held for her to sit nearer to where James and his friends had gathered, to where Frank and Alice were seated. She took her own place next to James, settling beneath the arm he drew over her shoulder in the same easy way he drew her and everyone near them into the conversation--leaning across the table toward Sirius to make his point, to smile when Peter made a joke, to laugh when Remus made fireworks explode around the room in a display that even Dumbledore applauded. Change, Lily decided then, wasn't all bad, couldn't be when it'd brought her this--this man and these friends. The rest didn't matter, come what may. They'd be together, and that was what was important.


	13. February 23, 1978

Regulus waited until he was the last to leave Transfigurations and everyone had gone down to lunch to make his way to the Restricted Section of the library. As he'd expected, he was nearly alone except for Madame Pince, who stood behind her desk like a sentinel, clutching her feather duster, and eying him suspiciously. He tightly clutched the signed note he'd wheedled out of Professor Slughorn in his fist in case she demanded to see it, as she sometimes did. Usually though, she left him to it because he was a good student, good at Potions, and careful with the books, and so it was today.

He slipped past her desk without a word and headed to the back of the stacks, past hundreds of narrow shelves lined with hundreds of thousands of books. During his first year, after Sirius had turned his back on him, Regulus had spent a lot of time hiding here, determined to read every book as he'd tried to do with his father's library but had only made it through halfway through the first shelf of Arithmancy texts before getting distracted and giving up. 

Now, most of his time was spent in the Potions' section, and he did love reading in the subject. He liked the precise and ordered nature of a spell as it brewed in a cauldron over an open flame, send up tendrils of blue or green or purple smoke. He liked that he knew the ingredients of twenty philtres by heart, could recite their uses in Latin and their remedies in Greek. He loved searching the library, discovering old, forgotten texts with cracked leather binding, their sheepskin parchment pages crawling with magic. He'd hide there some days still when he needed to be alone, just to read through a favorite book filled with elixirs and poisons that had been written in one of the ancient scripts that he'd have to spend hours deciphering. He even took time now to lift it from its shelf and breathe in the dusty smell of its pages, reluctant to carry on with the task that had brought him to the library in the first place. 

Through the spaces on the shelf he could see he wasn't as alone in the library as he thought. Patience Catchfly, a pretty little Ravenclaw fifth year, was sitting at one of the tables, her works spread out in front of her. Regulus had loved her once, and would sit for hours in the now empty chair by her side, holding her hand beneath the table as they studied. She would smile at him from beneath her pale eyelashes and sometimes, as he walked her back to the Ravenclaw Common Room, they'd stop to kiss. That all ended after the holidays when it was rumored he'd been part of the attacks that had killed some mudbloods. She wouldn't speak to him anymore because of who he was--of who he was rumored to be. He looked away from her, sliding the heavy tome in his hands back to its place on the shelf and rested his forehead again the crumbling spine.

He knew who he was--Regulus Arcturus Black, sole heir to his family's fortune, and even more importantly than that, to his family's legacy since his so called brother had abandoned them all in favor of his Gryffindor friends. Unlike Sirius, Regulus understood his responsibilities, which was why he told himself that he could barely spare a glance now in Patience's direction. He didn't have the time for that sort of thing now, not anymore, and certainly not for someone who couldn’t yet understand the importance of his task, his own importance in these changing times. 

Moving on quickly now, he carefully stepped past the ropes that separated the Restricted Section from the rest of the library, and walked quickly through the rows of books, looking for the one he needed. High up on the last shelf, he found it-- _Malicious Maladies and Relevant Remedies_ , a tattered book that looked as though it hadn't been touched in an age. The cover crackled when he touched it, stinging his fingers, and he drew his hand back before reaching again to lift it down. He looked first over one shoulder and then the other before he set it on the floor, crouching to dig out a spare bit of parchment and quill. He was there at Lucius' behest to get a specific spell that was needed for the cause, one that he wouldn't be able to easily explain away if he was caught with it, so he quickly copied it down and slipped it into his pocket. He jammed the book back onto the shelf, barely glancing at Patience in his hurry to be away.

He didn't stop until he was outside the Great Hall, the hand in his pocket clutching the parchment he'd written the spell on. It made him feel reckless to have it--just the words upon the paper, and he was careful to keep clear of any the professors. Now that he had it--now that he had read the list of ingredients and surmised the effects it was likely to have on the wizard it was used against, he felt weighed down, burdened in a way that he hadn't before, when he'd been chosen, and the desire to share his new knowledge was both foreign and nearly overwhelming. He'd been sworn to secrecy and yet he couldn't help scanning the room, searching for a friendly face, someone who could understand what had been asked of him. There were many at the Slytherin table who also carried the mark and who would have been happy to whisper and plan and plot like children at play. He didn't want that. His need was different, and for a second he closed his eyes and breathed heavily through his nose, trying to calm himself.

When he opened his eyes again, he looked this time along the Gryffindor table, to where his brother usually sat with his friends. He saw Potter and the other one, the short, stupid boy, but not Sirius or Lupin. They were together, he supposed, and he curled his hand in his pocket once more, feeling the edge of the parchment dig into his palm where he was crumpling it. Sirius could have been forgiven his friendship with Potter, who was at least the right sort of wizard even if he held the wrong sort of views. Their kind would be won over once the Dark Lord ruled. 

Lupin was different. He was smart and cunning, for a Muggle half-breed, though it was Sirius’ strange fascination since they were first years that was bothersome. It made Lupin dangerous, and something inside Regulus burned at the thought of Sirius trusting Lupin more than he trusted his own flesh. He felt desperate, suddenly, to talk to Sirius, to make him understand. His brother could still be saved, too, he was sure of it—had always believed it.

Breathing deeply once more and pushing Lupin from his thoughts, he took the paper from his pocket and smoothed it down between his hands before he folded it in half and then once again before tucking it into his bookbag between the pages of his thick Arithmancy text. He felt calmer then but his desire to talk to Sirius didn't abate though now it was a different kind of urgency. He wanted Sirius to tell him what was happening, to say it would be all right again one day, to say that they were still brothers. He wanted, strangely, to tell Sirius about Patience, and how he had truly loved her--loved her still, though he knew he couldn’t be with her, that he had to make that sacrifice. He wanted Sirius to understand that, especially.

Lunch was nearly over and the other students were beginning to rise from the tables and stream past him. He turned, headed up the flight of stairs and hurried to wait outside the door to the Charms classroom. He knew Sirius had class there next, and meant to catch him first. He wasn't sure what he would say but felt sure Sirius would know what to do even though they hadn't talked in years. They were brothers. They would always be brothers.

Clasping the strap of his bag, Regulus waited until he was sure he would be late to his own class if he stayed any longer but didn't care. 

Sirius never came. 

At nearly the last minute, Potter arrived with his arm slung around the mudblood girl that Severus had always been interested in and the other boy trailing behind them but still no Sirius or Lupin, and Regulus, feeling that strange boil of desperation well up again in his chest, stepped in front of them. 

"Potter," he said, biting off the word as if it pained him to say it. He looked down the hall, as if it didn’t matter in the least if Potter stopped to talk with him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Potter looked amused that Regulus had spoken to him at all. His voice, when he finally spoke, was drawl, a laugh concealed in each letter.

"Black."

"Can I have a word? In private?"

Potter looked at the girl, his eyes narrowed, and then to the boy before nodding. Regulus waited until Potter's friends went into the classroom and then followed him to the empty room across the hall. Potter left the door open and Regulus was tempted to pull his wand just to see what would happen. 

"I've been looking for Sirius." As soon as the words were out, Regulus felt stupid and impossibly young, especially as Potter raised his eyebrows and gave a little nod as if to say _what’s your point_. “I need to speak with him. It’s urgent.”

"He's around."

"He wasn't at lunch."

"He had something to do."

"Lupin wasn't there either." Potter just shrugged in answer, his hands on his hips, and Regulus noticed for the first time that he was holding his wand between loose fingers. "I need to talk with him," he said again.

"Lupin?"

"Don't be stupid. I just meant that I know they're probably off together somewhere. I just want you to tell me where I can find them. Him."

"I'll tell him to find you."

"But I don't suppose I should wait around for him."

Potter stared at him for a long moment and Regulus tried not to squirm under his gaze but it was hard. He tipped his chin up but kept his hands at his side, willing himself to relax but he knew he was shaking just a bit and hated it. 

Finally, Potter said nodded and said, "I can get a message to him but he's not likely to leave where he's at unless it's an emergency."

"It's family business."

"I was under the impression that he was no longer part of your family."

"He's still my brother."

James stared at him again, his head tilted to the side. "If you're in trouble, I can help."

"I don’t want your help.”

“But you want me to find Sirius for you.”

“I don’t need your help with this. I need—“ Potter raised his eyebrows again, his eyes wide behind his glasses, and Regulus bit off his words, surprised to find he was shouting. For a moment, he imagined what his mother would say and nearly laughed out loud if he didn’t felt just as tempted to cry. This was a mistake, he knew, and he couldn’t imagine what momentary madness had propelled him to seek Sirius out, of all people. 

“Actually, never mind.”

“Regulus—“

“This was a mistake.”

“I’ll find him for you.”

“He won’t come, not for me—not for anyone not admitted to your tight little circle.”

“He’ll meet you, Regulus, if you really need him,” Potter said as he took a step forward, reaching out to put his hand on Regulus’ shoulder. “C’mon, you know he will.”

“No, you were right.” Regulus shrugged off Potter’s hand and frowned at him, taking a step back. “He’s not part of my family, and I shouldn’t have come. It doesn’t matter anyway. I know what needs to be done.”

“What do you mean by that?”

Regulus ignored the question and turned on his heels to walk out of the room. “I’ll be late for class, Potter, and you already are.”

“Regulus, please. If you’re in trouble, I can help. Sirius will help you.”

That night, Regulus sent an owl to his father, the potion concealed in the lines as he had been taught. He said nothing of Sirius or Patience, only of his schoolwork, his professors, and to complain about the bitter cold that had settled in his part of the world. He missed London. He didn’t miss his parents, though he didn’t say that. 

As the owl took flight, Regulus watched for a long time until he could no longer make out the shape of the bird against the dark sky and watched the moon rise instead, round and sickly pale one night after the full. Sirius had never come to find him, and he couldn’t say that he was surprised. Potter would never understand Sirius the way that Regulus did—Sirius was weak, and a traitor. He would betray his friends as he had his family. The thought made him angry and sad because he didn’t really believe it but needed to because the alternative was to acknowledge that it was they who had turned their backs on Sirius. That it was Regulus who had been weak and a traitor to his brother, and he deserved now to be left out on his own with this burden. 

Regulus pushed his cold hands through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut, breathing in great gulps of icy air to stave off the sudden and unwanted tears he felt prickling behind his eyelids. It was too late to look back, too late to change. 

_I am Regulus Arcturus Black_ , he whispered as he lowered his hands to his sides, curling them into fists. _I know what I have to do._


End file.
